The Year in Review: A mixed bag

So finally its that time of the year.

I remember when I was ten years old, I watched my aunt sit at home on the 31st of December, looking at the walls of her house and recounting the many blessings she had during the year. What struck me the most was the serene expression with which she sat, contented with the year's events, quietly accepting every good and bad moment.

This left a profound impact on me and ever since I have followed in her footsteps.

2014 was an unusual year. It oscillated from rock bottom to euphoria so quickly that it gave me whiplash. Even though the year was not filled with many good moments there are quite some significant learnings that I had throughout.

I learnt that most relationships were a season and didn't last forever. It gave me a lot of inner peace to finally let go of certain relationships that were causing instability and that I was holding unto stubbornly. There are of course some people in my life whom I wish would last for more than a season and I pray that God honors this desire of my heart.

I realized who my true friends are. They say that friendship's truest test is adversity and some beautiful people really came through. In fact the biggest blessing that I had this year were these few people who went all out, patiently teaching me, correcting me, praying for me and helping me smile again.

I got the courage to make few major decisions, especially career decisions. Even though there is a bit of uncertainty, quitting my old job was the best thing I've ever done.

Lots of amazing times spent with the teens who are so vibrant and joyful that its infectious. I rediscovered the joy of ministry and the several retreats and moments we spent with each other throughout the year are truly memorable.

I decided to be in charge of my own happiness, decisively spending time with positive people. We did many things together, watching movies, sleepovers, random moments spent in the holy mobile. In addition I took many pictures and videos of these special moments to remind me later. I also cut down on the over-thinking and negativity a lot. Finally Growth!

I decided to allow my faith in love overcome my fear of rejection and I must say its paying off. I also learnt to embrace myself as I am, in my uniqueness and am at every moment truly trying to be wonderfully me. Being comfortable in my own skin is the best thing ever.

I had always had a huge anti-male streak in me. The men in my life were not exactly shining examples of humanity either so that didn't help much. However I believe God corrected those paradigms by introducing some wonderful boys in my life who are such gems of human beings that my prejudices about men no longer exist.

I learnt in the harshest way possible about the dangers of judging others. Suffice to say I will try my best to be open minded at all times.

I started writing once more after the longest hiatus in history. Blogging is something I really enjoy and a wonderful platform to express my chaotic thought process.

I truly treasure the times spent with Amu, Varsha, Achu, Aby and Joshua throughout the year. Every moment was beautiful and contributed towards healing my brokenness.

All in all I would say in spite of all the bad things that happened, this year was a beautiful year. It was a year that brought hope back into my life and I am looking forward to the new year with a lot of peace flooding from within.

Most of all thank you Jesus for constantly loving and being there for me.

Wish you all a Happy and Prosperous New Year!

The Useless Apology:

“I’m sorry.”

She repeated the apology with sincerity etched on her face. Wordlessly she picked up her bag and turned to leave. The guilt that had been plaguing her for a while disappeared. We’re all good now, she thought as she walked. She felt light, and happy. The apology had set her free. She could move on now.

His eyes followed her as she walked off happily. As she disappeared around the corner, a shadow fell across his face.

How many years of pain inflicted and wounds created. How many days of hurt given. And in a moment’s notice, a simple apology from her end and she was free. She was fine. She could move on and live her life.

What about the person left behind?

What about the person who’s trust was shattered? What about the person struggling to forgive? What about the person who has to deal with the toxic memories that resurfaces every once in a while?

Is this the end? Is this justice?

He snorted with grim amusement.

How simple to utter a word of apology and turn your back on what you have wrecked for so long.

How useless the apology that was not uttered at the appropriate time but years after the offence was committed.

How naive the mind that thinks everything is over with the sorry. How naive to believe that you are at peace with yourself without resolving to make amends, without mending the heart that you broke, without putting effort into making whole once more the person who is now afraid to trust.

Was the apology to cure your own guilty conscience or was it sincere understanding of what you did wrong? And does it end with understanding? Do you have no responsibility to attempt to restore what you took away?

It doesn't end with an apology. It never will.

They never came home:

Last night after I got home I set about reading the numerous articles about the school attack in Peshawar. A group of terrorists entered the school during class hours and started shooting in every class. They walked into classrooms asking kids which of their parents worked in the army. The naive kids raised their hands. They were immediately shot at point blank range.

Some kids tried to run and hide. Some splattered with the blood of their friends lay down on the floor pretending to be dead. So many little lives taken. My heart goes out to the little ones who were murdered. My heart breaks further for the survivors who were forced to witness such trauma at a young age. Forced to see friends and teachers getting murdered before their eyes, forced to face the mind-numbing fear of being the next target, forced to crawl down in terror in the place where they should feel the safest. At school.

The militants killed more than 140 people that day. The survivors will never be the same.

Apparently before releasing their guns into the vicinity the terrorists screamed "God is great!".

Pope Francis rightly said "Some of the best people in the world had no religion, some of the worst acts were committed in His name."

Although the majority sympathizes deeply with the nation, we can see subtle indications of a blame game taking shape. Under the guise of empathizing some remark that the nation is facing the karmic implications of the terror it inflicted on others. What goes around comes around they say. Some say that they should have been careful when they played with fire because it could burn down your own house some day. We see the self righteous people eager to blame the religion for this incident.

Strip down the ethnicity, religion, country, everything else to a core level and it comes down to this. Humans killing humans.

The terrorists had a motive. Their motive was revenge for their own families being targeted. Eye for an eye they say.

Funny it seems to me because they were only targeted as they had targeted others first. If you stuck by the eye for an eye principle the whole world would be blind.

When you kill all reasons, explanations, justifications and motives disappear. You stop being a victim. You just become a murderer.

It occurs to me how dangerous the ideology of self righteousness can be. How dangerous when you firmly believe that what you do is right and cannot be open to the possibility that you are wrong. How dangerous to assume that whatever you are doing is for the greater good. At what point can you draw the line between the greater good and the depraved actions of a mad man?

How poisonous religious texts can become when you take it upon yourself to interpret them. How an all loving, merciful God can become the justification for those who murder, torment and rape.

Where is the love?

People killing, people dying
Children hurt and you hear them crying
Can you practice what you preach?
Or would you turn the other cheek?

Father, Father, Father help us
Send some guidance from above
Because people got me, got me questioning
Where is the love?

Miracles in December:

It's that time of the year when a mysterious happiness takes hold of everyone. The time in which no matter how bad things seem, no matter how dire the circumstances its difficult to stay in despair. The air tingles with magic and a mystical hope seizes the heart.

The whole universe seems to be in harmony, rejoicing for some reason unknown. And the joy is infectious. Unknowingly as I sit under the lit up bridge, staring at the water, I smile.

The winter air is chilly. I shiver and draw my body closer to myself. I see couples walking hand in hand, warmed by the presence of each other. My heart twinges with longing for companionship. I brush that aside and focus on the magical atmosphere. The stars are winking at me again.

My thoughts turn to some amazing women I have met in my life. Holy women, women of God with so much faith and trust in Him that I can't help but marvel. Their greatest desire was to get married and they were always hopeful about the future. No matter how many years had passed without any signs, they held on with fervent faith that their desires would materialize.

Sometimes when it got hard to trust in the Lord they gave in to sadness of the soul. But right away they would pick themselves up and console each other. They would try their best to be satisfied in Him and trust in His time.

I wonder at times looking at them. Every now and then hopelessness engulfs me. I look up to heaven and wonder what God is doing, I wonder why He tests them this way.

Doubting Thomas has competition. I could easily give him a run for his money.

I sigh heavily. A verse pops into my my mind. Delight in the Lord and He will honor the desires of your heart. For it is He who gave you those desires.

Well, I think sarcastically, how nice of you to give them such desires and make them wait for so long.

Jesus is smiling annoyingly in that serene way. As if everything is going to be alright.

My longing betrays me. It shows that I need something much more than Him to be satisfied. I have yet to reach perfect love. After all perfect love would drive out all fear.

"I gave you those desires because I will fulfill them" He promises "I will not disappoint".

I trust you. I have to trust in you otherwise all hope is lost.

Like a little child making a wish I close my eyes and make a wish. Amaze me Lord, I say, amaze me beyond my expectations. Give those girls the guys they have been prayerfully waiting for so long. Let this be my Christmas miracle.

After all this was the month of the first miracle. When Love came down to rescue me.

So I wait patiently. For miracles in December.

Saudade:

Strangers
Acquaintances
Friends
Best Friends
Strangers

It's funny how these five little words can break my heart that way. There's nothing more painful than looking at a person remembering how much you have shared together and how close you were in the past and knowing that it will never return.

No word exists in English to describe this feeling but the Portuguese came up with a word. Saudade. It refers to a deep emotional state of nostalgia or profound melancholic longing for an absent someone or something that one loves. The feeling is accompanied by the repressed knowledge of knowing that the object of longing will never return.

That's how I feel right now. Saudade.

I reach with trepidation into my past. I flip through old pictures, messages and mails. Could it be that we were once so close, I marvel. It feels like ages ago, a lifetime away.

Not everyone is meant to stay in your life, I've been told. Some come in for a reason, a season, to accomplish something, maybe teach you a lesson or just simply be there when no one else was around. And once they fulfill that purpose, they leave just as suddenly as they entered.

"How do I know?" I think to myself. "How do I know if this person was meant to stay or leave?"

When the wrong person leaves your life, the right things start happening.

The right things are happening now, I realize grimly. So he was meant to leave. I've discovered new things, old things and good things about myself. I discovered that I am funny and playful. Discovered that I am quite capable of love. Found out that I'm not angry and unpleasant all the time but on the contrary quite fun to be with.

I see him talking and laughing with people. Foolishly I think of running towards him and whacking him on the shoulder playfully like I used to. I want to share the things that have been happening to me without a care in the world. I want to laugh and pull his leg like before. I want to pretend like none of this ever happened.

I restrain myself. Our eyes meet. I walk towards him with slow, paced steps. We make polite, insignificant conversation.

"How have you been?" he asks.

"Fine" I say. "No, I'm not fine." I think.

"I'm good." he says.

I fiddle with my hands. He shuffles his feet awkwardly.

"How's work? he enquires.

"Good" I reply. "How's college?"

"Not bad."

Silence.

I've run out of things to talk about, I realize. We smile awkwardly at each other. I'm torn between wanting to linger and getting away from there as far as possible.

His eyes speak volumes. I want to ask so much. What's been happening in your life all this time? I've missed you, I want to say. I wonder if he feels the same.

The look in his eyes. Something was different. He had changed. Sadder, more mature.

Well, I had changed too.

We part awkwardly. I walk slowly towards my car, my heart heavy. My throat itches painfully. Despite the sadness that envelopes me like fog; I'm glad. Glad that I feel pain at all. Glad that I have a healthy, good, strong heart that is full of love. One who didn't love cannot possibly feel this way.

Glad to be human. I know I am beautiful in my brokenness. I silently give thanks to God for filling me with love.

A drop rolls down my cheek and hits the pavement. How strange, I think as I touch my wet face.

It must be raining.

Veritas:

“You look so pretty today.”        

Outwardly she smiled. The smile didn't reach her eyes. Inwardly she discarded the compliment. It was difficult to judge if it was genuine praise or empty flattery. Too much trouble. Easier to not take it into account at all.

She was wary of compliments.

All throughout the day flattery came in from every direction.

“You are so smart.”

“You speak so well.”

“I love reading your blog.”

She smiled gracefully at all of them while mentally casting off the comments. Once in a while she could make out when a genuine compliment was being paid and she accepted it warmly. The moment of honest appreciation.

The others were as insignificant as chirping crickets.

White lies were harmless she had been told. A simple lie to make someone else feel better. To tell someone what they want to hear. I win some, you win some and we’re all happy right?

Wrong.

Compliments and appreciation were now meaningless. How would she know if someone meant what they said or if it was just a bid to make her feel better? White lies had slowly made its way into every social conversation making it impossible to distinguish the truth. Pleasantries to make oneself likable. Praise poured out from their lips while their hearts harbored envy and resentment.

When someone appreciated her now she was instantly suspicious about their intentions.

After all she had told white lies before to make others feel better. She had piled on the empty flattery. She had buttered people up to put them in their comfort zone and boosted their ego when she needed to get some things done. And people had believed her.

She had done it so many times. Why wouldn't others?

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Veritas is Latin for truth. Something that you rarely see nowadays. Truth is elusive indeed.

In a movie that I had watched recently a character mentions that he speaks the truth only 90% of the time. Telling the truth all the time was neither the smartest not the safest approach. Apparently sometimes people want to be lied to.

I dispute the veracity of that claim. After all doubting is in my blood. I find it hard to accept things I haven’t tried out for myself.

Fake personas have always bothered me. Pretending to like others when they actually can’t stand them. False words and emotions in social situations. Little white lies inserted here and there to impress and increase one’s own worth. False humility.

And the worst of all feigned goodness and holiness.

I yearn to see transparency in the people around me.

If you don’t like a person don’t make them feel like they are one among your favorite people. If you are upset don’t pretend like your life is a bed of roses. If you aren't particularly impressed with someone don’t spit out empty praise. If you’re frustrated or dissatisfied, voice it out instead of internalizing it. If you’re not very holy, don’t pretend to be.

If you can’t trust someone, tell them that you can’t.

Let your flaws be out there for everyone to see. Let people see you for who you really are and love you for it. Let people know the flaws in your character so that they can correct you and you can become a better person.

Because no matter how good you are at lying it won’t last. Eventually every pretense will fall apart and every lie will be revealed.

Every liar fears being lied to. Every liar cannot trust others and is suspicious of those around them. Because they have done it themselves. We hate certain things in others because we see the same things in ourselves.

A truthful person has nothing to fear. They don’t have to keep track of all the lies that they told, all the facades they held up, all the simmering resentment that could come bursting out anytime for the whole world to see.

Truth is harsh by nature. But you need not be brutally honest. You could always speak the truth with love while genuinely wishing the good of the other from your heart.

It won’t make you very popular but people will respect you for it. Most of all you can be assured that your character will help you find genuine, honest friends who will tell you what they feel about you. And I’ll take brutal truth over sweet lies any day.

I can honestly say that I haven’t been a genuine person all the time. I've done my share of dishonesty.

But I’m sick of lying. And I’m sick of the synthetic emotions, words, and expressions I see around me. Tired of the deceit concealed by wide smiles and the judgments concealed by silence.

I can’t change others but I can change myself. I must become the change that I want to see.

Imagine a world in which no one told lies. How honest and beautiful would be our interactions, how genuine our friendships, how much we would grow when our flaws were pointed out to us, how much more we could love and trust people around us.

Every advent I try something special. This advent I’m going to strive to be truthful. Not 90% of the time but 100% of the time. I want to challenge myself. After all we are called to be truthful.

I want to see if by changing myself I can see a change around me.

I’m up for the truth challenge. Are you?

The Loophole:

Every writer who writes fiction knows this. Whenever the writer creates a fictional universe they create some rules which the characters in the universe have to abide by. The author has full freedom to create the rules, no matter how crazy they are to set the premise. However once the rules are created, the scene is set and the characters start living by those rules, they cannot be meddled with or changed or dispelled.

In this fictional universe the author is the creator and master. Omnipotent in his kingdom, the author can do anything he wishes except for one thing. He himself must abide by the rules he created, he cannot break them. Since he stands for order in this kingdom, if he easily dispels the rules no one else will be prompted to follow and the whole kingdom will descend into chaos.

Thus said whenever rules are created in a universe care must be taken to avoid the rules from being too lengthy, descriptive and elaborate. The rules must allow a certain degree of freedom and flexibility and cannot be rigid. It cannot close every loophole because then the creator of this universe himself will become a prisoner to the rules. To retain mastery and omnipotence over his universe, the creator should have loopholes to change, append or modify and intervene wherever necessary.

When God created the universe along with the universe came a rule. All of the earth had to abide by a single rule, an unmovable, unshakable command. The price of sin is death.

Then Adam and Eve came forth and started living in this world governed by this single principle. However they were not mindless puppets of the Creator. They were liberal individuals with the full ability to exercise free will. Free will -  the ability to choose good or evil.

Immortal beings in paradise having every little thing they could ever ask for. However they would not have free will if they had no opportunity to do wrong. A good child is not a good child if he is in an environment where he can simply do no wrong. True goodness comes when both good and bad circumstances are present and the child chooses to abstain from wrongdoing despite having the opportunity to do so.

In the Garden of Eden temptation presented itself in the form of the the tree of knowledge and the deceitful snake. Adam and Eve had the ability to choose good or evil. And they made their choice. They disobeyed.

And the price of sin was death.

The rules that God the Father set when he created the universe had been broken. God who stood for order in this world could not break the rules that He Himself had set. If Order Himself dispelled the rules, the world would be thrown into chaos. If He broke the rules who else would abide by it? By nature everything that came from His lips were eternal, ever enduring like Himself and His Word came to fruition.

Adam and Eve were no longer immortal. Now they were destined to die a dreary human death. And their fruit, their children, all of mankind were destined to the same fate. Tainted by the same sin all were condemned to die.

God however with His unceasing mercy immediately focused all of Creation towards a plan for our salvation. Yes, He could not break the rule that He Himself had set but there was a loophole.

He loved His Creation so much He could not abandon us to our fate.

The price of sin had to be paid. But the rules didn't say by whom it had to be paid. Mankind was condemned to death and could not save themselves. But someone else could.

Father, Spirit, Son. Three distinct but in essence one.

An immortal being. One who could not die but would willingly pay the price. Whose death would be our salvation.

The loophole in the Divine Rule. Jesus.

And He came down from heaven. Fully human and fully divine. Mortal yet immortal. And he paid the price for all our sin. He came to save us who could not save ourselves.

Death could not kill Him who was immortal. Hell could not hold Him who was Divine. All had to bow in front of the power of God.

And we were free once more.

Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound
That saved a wretch like me
I once was lost, but now am found
Was blind but now I see

And Grace will lead me home.

Camaraderie:

He stood awkwardly near the two friends. Their closeness so apparent, the depth of their friendship undeniable. Both were known for being best friends, they went everywhere with each other, spent practically every living moment together. Regardless of which public or social setting they were in both friends always sought out the other and never left each other's side. They blocked out the world and stay put in their little bubble of friendship.

Which was fine of course. But as he stood near them he felt awkward and a little left out. It never felt like he was approaching a single person but a gang of two every time. As they shared their little inside jokes with each other, smirking at meanings and allusions only they would understand, he slipped away quietly. His presence went unnoticed by the two best friends who were too busy basking in the moment of camaraderie.

They just needed each other. Anyone who intruded felt like an outsider. Neither did either party try to step out and invite in other people on their own. Two peas in a pod, joined at the hip, inseparable.

Friendship was a gift, he thought to himself. True friendship was so rare, so wonderful, so beautiful. Their friendship was admirable, he tried to convince himself. Admirable that they were so close.

He was lying to himself again.

That friendship didn't feel wonderful to him. He never looked at them and felt happy thinking what great friends they were. It was a relationship that was exclusive rather than inclusive. The kind of relationship that somehow made others feel lonely and left out. That made bystanders feel like they didn't belong to this little clique.

It didn't seem like a healthy friendship. The kind that would help each other learn and grow. They trusted each other so wholly that they were blinded to the truth. They refused to listen to anyone else because they affirmed each other's opinions. Their unity was their strength, it was them against the world.

It was different. And not in a good way.

He didn't like this friendship. In fact he almost resented it.

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The kind of friendship we see above is highly unpleasant to be in the midst of. True friendship, like true love wins the heart and acknowledgement of those around them. It allows them to bask in their friendship and take joy in their closeness. It puts a smile on your face.

In essence the friendship we see above is not a true friendship. We see loyalty for the sake of loyalty not correction where its necessary. This relationship would stifle personal development because it tempted both to stay within their comfort zone of each other and rendered them blind to truth. It encouraged unteachability since both affirmed the other's opinions and were grounded in their fantasy. And neither seeked to actively create or retain new and existing friendships. It mattered not who they alienated, as long as they had each other.

A true friendship would generate positive emotions in a bystander, not negative.

I have come across many friendships in my life. Close friends whose closeness becomes apparent instantly.

I have always loved to see such friends. It was a joy to be in the presence of people who knew each other so well, so completely and for so long. Beautiful to see a relationship that managed to weather the ravages of time. Amazing that in-spite of trying times, they would be there for each other no matter what the circumstances.

Being in the midst of such friends lit up a warm glow in me. I basked in their friendship and love and somehow it never felt exclusive but inclusive. The whole world was a testament to their great friendship but everyone felt welcome to be a part of it and witness its beauty.

These guys didn't spend every waking moment with each other. In social settings they weren't instantly drawn to each other. In fact the moments that I did see them together in public were few and rare. Neither were their conversations with acquaintances all about "the best friend".

Sure they weren't together all the time. But the few moments they were, the silent love and understanding conveyed was enough for the bystander to notice. The playful bickering and jokes were such that anyone could join in and not feel left out.

In-spite of how close they were they were not blinded. They didn't simply agree to each other's opinions. They were the worst critics of each other and constantly corrected and rectified when they felt their bestie's were in the wrong. A healthy friendship that enabled both friends to grow, mature and become much better people.

True friendship enables you to grow. It is not one of simply agreeing with the other and making you feel good all the time. It is one where you can honestly, truthfully point out the flaws in each other and maturely accept your own.

The kind of friendship that would not make others feel lonely but make others want to recreate the type of friendship you have.

The kind of friendship that would make people smile when they look at you and silently thank God in their hearts for the wonderful relationship.

I pray that every friendship mirrors these qualities.

Love’s Labor’s Lost: A satirical review of Romeo and Juliet

Shakespeare’s Romeo and Juliet has always been described as an epic romance. I am unsure of how many people have actually read the complete play but for those of you who don’t have the time here is a brief synopsis.

This play made me unreasonably angry, to the extent that I wanted to pick up my laptop and fling it against the wall. Without giving too much away let’s get into the depth of the story.

We have our protagonist Romeo, a whiny teenager who’s seized by the throes of romantic passion for a fair maiden Rosaline. Rosaline belongs to the house of Capulet while Romeo belongs to the house of Montague, both houses sworn enemies of the other.

Rosaline’s beauty is legendary and regaled about in society. She is also an independent, smart, young woman who knows what is good for her and hence does not give Romeo the time of the day.

Romeo loves Rosaline with a passion that cannot be denied. He has never spoken to her or gotten a true measure of her character but sure her great beauty has rendered him a slave to love. We enter into the play with Romeo in the midst of depression since Rosaline refuses to return his affections. She also denies him with the excuse that she has sworn herself to celibacy for life. I would too if I was ever unfortunate enough to come across a vagrant like Romeo.

Romeo’s cousin Benvolio who has been blessed with endless patience and is a little slow in the head tries to lift Romeo out of his depression. Romeo responds with various declarations such as “I have a soul of lead/So stakes me to the ground I cannot move.” He whines eloquently for several paragraphs on how death is preferable since Rosaline cannot be his and how he has been badly wounded by Cupid’s arrow and how he’s sinking under love’s heavy burden. Much ado about nothing.

At this point Romeo is being a stick in the mud and I would have disowned him and publicly declared no blood relations with him.

Benovolio instead of thrashing his cousin as he should instead tries to get Romeo to go to a party where Rosaline is also present so that he may persuade her to accept him. Oh Benvolio. Your advice is as ridiculous as your name.

Romeo wearily agrees and goes with a heavy heart to the party where he meets Juliet.

Love at first sight.

Given the nature of modern feminists I am sure that Shakespeare is secretly glad he was born in the 1500’s where they cannot harm him.

Romeo being a profound character who only looks at what’s on the inside instantly falls head over heels for Juliet’s drop dead gorgeous looks. Juliet’s mother apparently didn’t give her daughter the talk on what kind of men to stay away from because Juliet return’s his affections ardently.

I wash my hands off you Juliet. You are beyond help.

Romeo then goes to the one character who is actually sober in this entire play - Friar Laurence, a beloved friend. He tells him that he loves Rosaline no longer and wants to marry Juliet that very day.

Behold the world’s biggest facepalm.

If Romeo was born in biblical times he would be a Pharisee.

Friar Laurence rightly points out that Romeo extolled eloquently on Rosaline’s virtues for days just to turn around and fall for Juliet at the drop of a hat. I knew I liked you Friar Laurence. I feel like we might be very good friends.

Romeo generates a weak defense for his deeds claiming that one was infatuation and this is true love. You don’t know the L of love buddy. Friar Laurence muses that Romeo may just be exchanging one infatuation for another. He chides Romeo for his drastic change of heart and comments that Rosaline was a wise little lady who knew that Romeo was shallower than a 5 cm swimming pool.

Hi-five and bro hug Friar Laurence.

Romeo declares that this love is mutual and persuades Friar Laurence into marrying him and Juliet. And the few minutes of sobriety dissipates into thin air as Friar Laurence agrees to marry them both.

It was good while it lasted Friar Laurence.

Romeo and Juliet continue their epic romance and exchange cheesy declarations that would render one lactose intolerant for life. Romeo exclaims”O that I were a glove upon that hand, that I might touch that cheek!”

“Oh that I were a glove upon that hand, that I may slap thy face.”

Now we descend into tested and tried Bollywood plot devices with both families opposing the union and a villain with as much character development as a table.

In the famous balcony scene Romeo and Juliet finally confess their love for another. Juliet says” Oh Romeo, wherefore art thou Romeo?”

Wherefore in old English meant why not where so Juliet was actually asking Romeo why was he Romeo.

I ask myself that very question. I know the feels bro.

Romeo and Juliet secretly wed and consummate their marriage. Juliet’s mother who is unaware of her daughter’s covert rebellion and her ability to make bad life decisions tries to get her married off to a suitable groom. Juliet opposes her decision but her mother will not be denied.

In despair, Juliet visits Friar Laurence for help. He offers her a drug that will put her into a deathlike coma for 2 days and offers to send a messenger to inform Romeo so that he can join her when she awakens. Juliet is discovered apparently dead on the night before her wedding and laid in the family crypt.

The messenger does not reach Romeo who believes Juliet is dead. Heartbroken, he goes to her grave where he encounters Paris, her fiancé. Paris rightly believes Romeo to be a vandal and challenges him to a duel. In the ensuing battle Romeo slays Paris.

And thus dies the second character who had started making some sense in this play.

Romeo, stricken by grief over Juliet’s death commits suicide. Juliet awakens and finding her lover dead once again proves her ability to make very bad life decisions by stabbing herself to death with his dagger.

"For never was a story of more woe / than this of Juliet and her Romeo."

How right you are Shakespeare. I woe the day I read this play.

History records this as an epic romance.

I record this as an epic fail.

Farewell:

So finally it has ended. One year working with one of the Big Four Audit firms. Funnily I was nostalgic and a little melancholy when I left. I thought I would be ridiculously excited but I will really miss the people I worked with.

Working with this firm was hands down the funniest experience I've ever had in my life. It’s a job where nothing is fixed starting from the office location, office timings, who you will be working with, the amount of time you will get in that client, work scope and so on and so forth. As a person who firmly enjoys routine and consistency I found it supremely disconcerting to be thrown back and forth every other week.

Every week I would be sent to some location in some other emirate that I was unfamiliar with. I don’t mind long drives but I do unnecessarily panic when I’m unsure of the way. Thank you GPS for always being there for me. It was actually fun getting lost a couple of times. Given the long distances that I had to travel I got to spend a lot of time in my lovely car – the holy mobile, listening to my praise and worship music and doing my favorite pastime – thinking. I also got to learn a lot of road ways that I otherwise would not have known.

Putting in long hours was exhausting. I realized that giving people more than enough time to work was counter-productive. Our work hours would start usually by 8:30 am and end around 8 – 9 pm in the night. However because we were so used to staying late and working that we would take things easy in the first half of the day and suddenly start working hard around 4 pm. If our work hours were restricted and we were forced to go home at 6 pm we would put in the same effort from start to finish.

I had various client interactions and it varied from client to client. We had some clients who were just so rude and unreasonable and we also had clients who were downright scared of auditors. It was hilarious to be referred to as Madam by people who were my grandfather’s age and to be brought coffee every two hours by the office peon. I had to suppress my mirth several times watching people squirm when I asked them questions because they were so scared of my position.

My colleagues were another level altogether. It’s difficult to remain in this field and retain your humanity because of the amount of pressure that is mounted upon you. The long work hours, the level of quality required and just the competitiveness that prevailed in this field was so high that there was a tendency to lose all the core values that make you human. Kindness, concern, and basic etiquette were all long forgotten.

I had some colleagues who were so ambitious that they never ever slept. Like zombies they worked day and night, ate lunch while working, barely ever saw their family, and it seems like they never ever went home. While their enthusiasm for the job was admirable I could not help but feel sad for these people who lived to work instead of working to live. They never got to enjoy their life and had lost sight of what was the true goal.

I had one true friend among all this. A female colleague who was there for me every time I needed her. We got thrown into this job with very little training and without her I could not have survived. We had much in common; we both were hard core fans of reading, literature and poetry. We also shared the same distaste for the rat race we were forced into. It was unreal to meet someone like her, a true gem of a person and I was glad for a friend like her.

Now as a department we never had fun. In fact we hated fun. On my last day there was a staff party being held and our administrators stormed into the room and tried to force us all to go for the party. We adamantly stuck to our seats because we wanted to work but our administrators were unrelenting. Finally we hid in the neighboring room so that we wouldn't have to go for the party. After two minutes the absurdity of the situation hit us and we burst into laughter. Only in an audit firm would we adamantly insist on not going for a party and try to work instead!

Stock count season was hilarious. We had to climb over boxes in dusty warehouses to count, and I had great fun with the forklifts. The forklifts had the unusual ability to go up while moving forward at the same time so I would spread my arms out and pretend like I was flying. Then I would remember that I was a professional and compose myself and return to my meek demeanor. Stock counts usually happened in the end of the year so while friends and family were having a blast during Christmas and New year we would be in some dusty warehouse counting boxes as the year ticked down.

My department had a shared passion for cricket to the extent that certain cricket websites were blocked in the office. We were constantly updated on match scores and during the T20 cup the rivalry between teams bordered on murderous. We would constantly call each other to rub unfortunate match scores in the faces of our colleagues supporting the opposing team. I never was a cricket fan but now I have fond memories whenever I remember the sport.

I must not forget my fossil of a laptop. It was so old, broken and chipped in several places; it wouldn't last even two minutes without the charger. Moreover it shut down routinely and lost all my data every once in a while. I called the IT guys more often than my mother because my laptop had so many issues. I wanted to donate it to Dubai Museum but the IT guys wanted it back when I left. I pray for the unfortunate person who gets to use it next.

All in all it was interesting experience. It was a hard slog and I’m glad it’s over but I will miss my colleagues. I remember each one of you fondly and will definitely pray for you.

Miles to go:

I attended a birthday party for two of my friends yesterday and I had a wonderful time. It was so much fun to just sit and mindlessly laugh and joke with my teens. Being with people who are much younger than me gave me the wonderful freedom to be myself. With older people I have to maintain my so called "image" which I could forego here.While we were laughing and joking around a couple of friends were clicking pictures and they captured some moments which were so real, not posed for the sake of the camera.

After I got home I took a look at the pictures. It was nice to see myself smiling genuinely for once. It had also been long since I had smiled like that. Usually I always have a forced camera smile and pity few out of most of my pictures have me smiling because I'm actually enjoying the moment. I felt happy for the me who felt genuine joy after so long and I've learnt to treasure and savor these moments.

Unbidden the little voice that I had been ignoring all this while came back. Something I had been wondering for a long time. I have recently been spending a crazy amount of time with the teens and I rarely take out anytime to just be with myself. The truth is I'm afraid. Afraid of what would happen if I just sat and thought as I usually do. So I have been postponing the moment to face reality. Like a coward I'm running away from my problems.

I've been using their smiles, laughter and energy to fill up the emptiness in me. I've spent practically every moment with them to avoid feeling lonely.

The woods are lovely, dark and deep.

I am tempted to stay camped in this comfort zone. To just put down my bags and forever postpone the moment in which I should face reality. Postpone the moment of healing because it's too much for me to handle right now. But life is a journey and this is just a rest station among many. To stay put here would be to ignore reality and stay in my fantasy. It would mean the cessation of life itself.

But I have promises to keep.

I have things to do, places to be in, responsibilities to handle. Other people who I need to spend more time with, I need to focus on my vocation, my career and most importantly my relationship with Him. I am sorely tempted to procrastinate and spend a little more time just being happy. A little more time in this Utopia instead of opening up once again the volume of hurt which I buried to shield myself. I need to allow healing to take place but before that I need to deal slowly with the things I've spent months running away from.

And miles to go before I sleep.

This happy place, these relationships that are bringing joy, these moments are so beautiful I just want to stay put forever. But I'm still on this journey and I have yet to reach my destination. I have many more miles to cover, many more people to meet, many more experiences to go through before I can rest. The woods entice me but I have miles to go before I sleep and awaken to eternal life. And we know that death is just the beginning.

I must move on.

"The woods are lovely, dark and deep
But I have promises to keep
And miles to go before I sleep
And miles to go before I sleep" - Robert Frost

Ethereal Beauty:

Oh Lord it hurts.

I was happy yesterday. So happy for one of my besties. Lovely girl with a rocking personality but not seen for who she is, but what she looked like. I was glad that someone finally noticed her glowing character, the amazing individuality, and her distinct personality. Glad that a decent one came along, not just for a mindless fling or meaningless passage of time but for a very real relationship, one that looked out for the future. Glad that he decided to see her for whom she is and appreciated the wealth of inner beauty that she possessed.

I always found her gorgeous. I thought she was so beautiful even with all her insecurities and her worries. She was funny, ridiculously funny, witty and sarcastic. So smart and intelligent that guys cowered when she took the stage. Her sheer presence was intimidating; she radiated authority, confidence, and absolute presence of mind.  We used to crib together about how people never wanted to look beneath the surface. We imagined together a lonely future, it was hard to believe anyone who would bother to stop and take a look at us, we were so used to being passed by. We high-fived each other saying that instead of being forever alone at least we could be together alone. Two crazy girls consoling each other knowing that we both were awesome but also hopeless for the future.

I wonder why it took so long for someone to notice what I had always seen. She was gorgeous to me inside out.

The problem with love these days is that society has taught the human race to stare at people with their eyes rather than their souls. Profound words by Christopher Poindexter that speaks to my heart.

So glad that she has finally found someone.

Why does my heart hurt this way I wonder. When I see the wealth of beauty hiding beneath people still out there, people who are regularly unnoticed and passed by just because their looks do not measure up to society’s skewed perception of beauty. My father always used to tell me that beauty is skin deep and I used to laugh thinking, yeah well tell society that.

It took me forever to accept myself. Forever to realize that who I am is not determined by what I look like, but by the strength of my character. Forever to realize that I don’t need the validation of a male counterpart when I already had the seal of approval from God. God does not make defective products.

Forever to realize that inner beauty radiates all the way to the outside but a lacking character can marr even great external beauty.

I have no illusions about my appearance. Maybe I’ll never find the one willing to look past it all but it’s no longer exhausting to love myself.

“I will love you, not starting with your skin or your organs or your bones; I will love madly first, your naked soul” – Christopher Poindexter

You are beautiful. Ethereally so. Not your face or your body, but your naked soul.

Mystical Serenity:

On weary days I walk along the sandy beach, trudging through the dunes. I sit facing the mighty sea and let the sand run through my fingers. The beach air gently lifts my hair as I gaze at the ocean. I close my eyes, tasting the salty sea mist.

Beautiful.

The setting sun in the horizon paints the sky with bold shades of red, orange and pink. The sea glimmers like a thousand gems, calm and dangerous at the same time. Mighty, unrestrained and free.

I feel peace envelope me as I take in my surroundings. As the waves hit the shore washing away the traces of the words I etched on the beach sand I feel my troubles ebb away. The weariness leaves my shoulders and nothing exists anymore except me and the sea.

I wonder what it is that people look for when they leave the worries of the day and seek out the sea. When they look for the quietness of the forest and try to disappear in the immense mountains. When troubled it seems that we want to be alone, away from noise and worldly things and we seek out Mother Nature. Because the vastness and beauty of nature makes us forget our problems for a little while. We are reminded of how small and insignificant we are, nothing but a dot in this vast universe and our problems no longer overwhelm us.

The evening turns to night and I lie back on the sand and look at the night sky. Stars twinkle at me mischievously as if they know all my secrets. My thoughts turn to loved ones who left the world. I imagine them enjoying in heaven looking down at me lovingly, watching my every move. I think of the amazing heavenly party going on upstairs. I think of my favorite saint St. Clare and wonder if she’s sitting beside me giving me the strength to keep loving when my own strength is insufficient.

The beauty of creation never fails to astound me. How beautiful then must be the Creator?

When I read a beautiful poem, the words leave a mark on my heart. The raw honesty of the verses, the emotion expressed in written words make me feel as if I saw but a glimpse of the soul of the author. The author whom I have never met and probably will never meet. But through his creation I get to know him a little better. And could creation ever surpass the creator?

Maybe we seek out creation because we want to be closer to the Creator. We find comfort in the beauty of nature because it’s an accurate representation of who He is. Through the art we come to know the artist. However none of these compare to the greatest masterpiece, the grand highlight of all Creation.

Me.

Crafted in the image and likeness of Him. Born with the essence of Love itself, to love and be loved. I need not look at nature to find Him. He is with me always.

He is in me.

And my restless heart finds rest in Him.

The Father's Song:

The little girl looked at her dad, a frown perpetually etched on his face. He always seemed so stern, so very serious. She continued playing as little girls do, under the watchful eyes of her father.

********************************************************************************

Frustrated, he let loose a sigh. This job was killing him. Waking up every morning, going into an occupation where his talents were barely utilized, never recognized. He wanted to quit this demeaning exercise, leave behind the mundane, mindless routine that robbed him of his joy.

Worry lines creased his forehead as he looked at his daughter. Consumed by anxiousness for the future, he bit back his dissatisfaction with his job. Never mind the toil, the insults, the lack of recognition and the long hours. Her future is what mattered.

His silent sacrifice went unnoticed as the little girl continued playing without a care in the world.

*******************************************************************************

She ran into the house delirious with joy, clutching a trophy. The very first trophy that she had won in school. Proudly, she presented it to her parents. Mom exclaimed with joy, lavishing praises and the little girl lapped it up eager to hear more. She looked hopefully at her dad who gave a barely discernible nod, absorbed in his newspaper. Disappointed, she trudged into her room, the trophy hanging loosely by her side.

She learnt never to expect praise again.

********************************************************************************

Extra- curricular activities, trophies, achievements, what good were they in the real world? He thought to himself. Better not to encourage it, education is what mattered the most. A secure future.

You will not lack anything, he silently vowed. You will not suffer what I have gone through. I will sacrifice anything to make sure that you shall not want.

Unbidden a smile crossed his face as he remembered her trophy. His chest welled up in pride. After all who’s daughter was she?

The little girl didn't see the grown man reveling alone in his daughter’s achievements.

********************************************************************************

She never saw. She never heard. The silent, countless sacrifices he made for her every single day. Hanging his head, biting back insults in front of his arrogant boss, not indulging in the smallest pleasures to save up for her education, meticulously planning her future, anticipating her every need in advance. Wherever he went he was absorbed by thoughts of her, care, concern and worry. As he lay down to sleep at night, it was she who kept him awake; her happiness was all that mattered to him. His entire life gone in a flash, forfeited to forge her path so that she may walk freely without worries.

He boasted about her to his colleagues. Proud of her every little achievement, he told everyone he knew about her high grades, her talents, her triumphs, her, her, her. He was so proud of her.

His little princess. His beautiful little girl. The daughter he loved so much.

He had never learned how to express love.

********************************************************************************

She never knew. She did not know how to see the love in the small things he did for her. She yearned for a warm hug, a word of praise, some form of recognition. She longed to hear that she was loved.

She looked for it elsewhere, outside. She looked to everyone who cared like she belonged. She got hurt over and over again because she tried to find love in the wrong places.

The little girl who didn't know how to recognize her father’s love.

The father who never knew how to express love.

The two who loved each other so much but could never tell each other just how much they loved.

The deadly silence that killed.

And then God intervened. He broke the barriers that stopped them from communicating, He crushed the misconceptions, He rolled away the stones that blocked her vision, He opened her ears and shattered her deafness. He bridged together the love that wouldn't have met otherwise. He touched her and healed her with His love and finally the little girl was able to experience her father’s love.

Both Heavenly and earthly.

She saw it in the countless little things he did for her, she heard it from the lips of others, she recognized his silent acknowledgement of her talents and abilities, she understood the magnitude of his sacrifice.

The love healed her. The craving deep within, the longing to be recognized, the aching need for affection now satisfied. Her father’s love was like a song, it enveloped her, comforted her, and made her whole. She stopped looking for love outside. She had it all along. As if love would ever want to hide.

She finally felt it. The music was with her always.

The Father’s song

The Father’s love

You sung it over me and for eternity

It’s written on my heart

Heaven’s perfect melody

The Creator’s symphony

You are singing over me

The Father’s song

(The last two verses are from Matt Redman's Father's song)

The heart of Evangelization:

Hey you.

Yes you. The lone stranger in the crowd. You who has till now not experienced God.

Today I want to tell you many things. How should I start?

Don't judge me for being a Christian. I don't approach you with an intention.

You are not an evangelization project. This is not a competition and your soul is not the prize. I don't turn people into projects. If I spend time with you its because I am genuinely interested in you. You collectively with your strengths and flaws, your talents, your unique thoughts, your weaknesses, the good with the bad. You just so perfectly you. The distinct soul within the very human body.

I respect you as a person, I attribute to you the dignity you deserve. You are a free thinking individual and I do not seek to impose upon you my ideals. 

I want to befriend you. But I don't have a hidden agenda. I don't keep a scoreboard of those who I have evangelized. 

I won't judge you, criticize you or condemn you. I won't correct you according to my perceptions. I can't. After all I have sinned too. And all sin is the same in the eyes of God. In fact I am more accountable, my sin is greater for I know that what I do is sin.

Sometimes it may appear that I act morally or spiritually superior to you. Correct me with charity. I am not superior. We are after all partners in the same journey. Equals. It matters not how many years lie between us, it matters not how much more time I've spent journeying with the Lord. What matters is that we are all still on the journey and we remain equal in His eyes until we reach our destination.

I am not on a superior spiritual plane all by myself. If that thought ever occurs to me know that I am beneath you not above.

We at every moment will be equals. I can learn from you as much as you can learn from me. Let us learn and grow holier together. Let us ask doubts and question. Every opinion, every thought you have matters, no question too dumb, no doubt too trivial. After all what is knowledge? If I have everything in the world and have not in my heart love, I am nothing.

I cannot be responsible for your personal salvation. I cannot take upon myself the burden of your soul. Not because I don't want to. I can't. But I will point you in the right direction. I can show you the one who will be your salvation. I am a mere beggar showing another, where to find bread.

Never be in awe of me or anyone else. Let no earthly being be your standard or else you will be dissapointed. Your standard is Him and Him alone.

At every moment the overriding emotion that motivates me will be love. Not a sense of duty, or obligation. When I call you, message you, come to speak to you I don't do it with the air of someone who ministers to you. I don't check up on your spiritual life like an obsessive preacher, I am not your mentor, I don't come to help you. I don't pity you or thrust unto you my sympathy. You don't need my sympathy, my pity or my help.

I come to you with love. Genuine concern as a friend. And at all times that will be what motivates me.

When you're upset I won't sprout bible verses like a fanatic. Not a motivational article or an inspirational quote. I won't choose the cowards way out. I won't hide behind verses and articles but never ask you how you are, what you need, how I can help. I won't assume what is best for you, I will always ask you what you want.

When I share knowledge with you that's because it inspired me too. And I want you to know about it.

I will be with you, hold you if you want to cry, be a listening ear in the middle of the night. Before I impose my theology upon you, before I drown you with my advice I will ask you if you are okay first. Feel free to speak, cry and rage out. After all am I not your friend?

If I have no words to say I will silently stand by you. You will not go through dark times alone just because I am unsure what to do.

If our friendship is threatened, do not fear. I won't leave you. I won't believe others mindlessly, I will not judge, I will not cling on to paradigms. I will first and foremost come to you and ask you directly. Speak out even if you are afraid of hurting me. Because truth hurts but silence kills.

If you ignore me I will ask what is wrong. I won't give up on you.

I love you. Not just because I am called to love you. Duty plays no role in this. I love you because you are you. Because the essence of my Creator is love and His essence flows within me. With the same love that formed you, He loves you through me and I love you too.

I want you to have eternal life. Yes I want you in heaven with me. Not because your soul is an additional feather in my cap, not because its a personal victory for me to lead you into heaven. Because heaven wouldn't be heaven without you. 

I love you friend. At every moment in my heart is love.

And that is the core of evangelization. Not pretty words and magnanimous acts. Not great theology and supreme knowledge. Not impossible phenomenons and miracles. The heart of evangelization is love.

Sincere love will always make itself known. It will neither hide nor go unrecognised.

If you can recognize my love come, lets journey together. Let's go rock this heavenly party.

And let's take along with us as many as we can.

Shattered:

He gazed at her lovingly. She was like a bird with a broken wing. So much sorrow and pain contained in one body. So broken, so shattered, so delicate, so very flawed. So very human.

So beautiful.

He wondered what happened to her. What was it that turned her into a shadow of the loveliness that she once was. He wondered who was responsible for breaking her. Because that’s how she seemed to him. Broken and vulnerable.

Unbidden a male instinct rose within him. Protectiveness and a desire to shield her from pain. He wanted to be the medicine, the cure for her sorrow. He decided that he would heal her, he thought he could save her.

He called her day and night. He checked on her every now and then. And slowly the wall of protectiveness and mistrust that she had built around herself crumbled. She started speaking, confiding deep, dark secrets that she had harbored for so long, too long.

He reveled in the knowledge of her being, every time she spoke he felt himself grow closer to her. Her past came tumbling out and he put the pieces of the puzzle together. He encouraged her slowly and watched with pride as she learnt to live again. Prouder than a father who watched his baby’s first steps.

She started smiling once more. The brokenness was fading, the past was getting cleansed. He instilled hope within her.

His pity and empathy morphed into an emotion that he didn't recognize. He had gotten so close to her, life seemed impossible without her. Every day he missed her, even when she was with him. His soul ached for her, his being yearned for her affection. The hole in his heart grew wider, an ache that could not be satisfied. He loved her.

She was healed. She could walk once more on her own. She needed him no longer. 

He had tried to heal her. But now he was scarred.

He was broken.

He needed to be healed.

********************************************************************************

An all too familiar story?

The temptation to heal another exists every moment. Witnessing the brokenness of a person can instinctively cause you to want to take away their pain, to help, to save.

Unfortunately you can’t help. You can’t save them. And you definitely cannot heal them. Not as long as you think that it’s you doing the mending. You have to take yourself out of the equation. There is nothing you can accomplish with your own power.

Every human being has been given a certain amount of happiness, peace and joy. And your lot is enough to keep you happy in life. However when you decide to save someone else or heal someone else you inevitably end up scarred yourself. Because humans can only transfer joy, they can’t multiply it. We are like leeches, sucking the happiness out of each other leaving both parties unsatisfied.

You can transfer your happiness to them. But then you will lose your peace. Someone else might come along to mend your brokenness. And in the process you might snatch away their bliss. And this vicious cycle will continue. It won’t work, your efforts are in vain. Because no matter how hard you try you can’t heal and you definitely cannot save. 

Because you are not God. Stop trying to play God.

Only He can heal, only He can save. Only He can multiply. He can heal through you. And if you let Him you will not lose your serenity in the process. Be a willing instrument and allow Him to multiply your joy, your bliss, your happiness and spread it to others. He will make you a channel of His peace.

And others will be healed. Not by you, but through you.

By Him.

Don't come back:

He sat on the whitewashed bench surrounded by trees and gazed into the clearing. Not a single soul up and about, he was alone. He sat there bathed in moonlight, attuned to the sound of chirping crickets. The night air blew gently on his face as he tried to put words to the emotions that serenaded him. It had been so long since he experienced peace like this, golden peace, free from worries, so long since he had been happy, so gloriously happy.

“It’s been almost 2 months” he marveled, two months since the turmoil ended, and happy days were upon him, two months free from the agonizing pain of the soul, two months since he had ripped off his insecurities and finally started to accept himself for who he was.

Two months since he rediscovered how to love.

He felt empowered; emboldened by the knowledge of who he was, by the acceptance of self. He closed his eyes and breathed in the night air, reveling in the tranquility that was so palpable that he could almost taste it. An angelic smile graced his face, the first in many years that was inspired by true joy.

His phone vibrated on the bench disturbing the peace. He eyed his phone warily, the source of disruption.

A message from her.

He tensed while reading it and sighed in annoyance. As always she knew how to get on his nerves with her smugly superior statements. As he leaned forward to delete it, the memories he had been repressing surfaced once more in full force, he remembered the times he was reduced to the significance of a stranger- ignored and walked past like he never existed, the toxic friendship that had poisoned his trust, the tearing pain of being alone and her blank face that was always there to witness his failures but never his triumphs.

The ghosts of the past were upon him once more.

He gasped as a searing pain hit his chest, frantically he tried to stem the flow of memories that rushed forward, but it was unstoppable, he was seized by the torrent and he let it have their way. He rode the waves of emotion; limp as a puppet, the jarring sounds filled his ears, getting louder every instant. And just as suddenly as it came, it was gone. The noise faded, the pain receded and he was alone again.

He felt weak, small, insignificant and diminished in worth. Once more he felt like a child caught in wrongdoing, once more he tried to make himself invisible, unseen, he wished the earth would open up and swallow him.

“What is it about her?” he wondered “Why does she have so much power over me?”

He stared glumly at his lit up phone. The wounds were much deeper than he had realized, it would need much more time to heal.

It was foolish to forget the torments of the past. Folly to assume that years of pain would be erased by a few days of happiness. He was back to the start.

Two hearts separated by distance under the same night sky. One heart missing a friend.

The other hoping fervently that she would never return.

Gemstones:

Within you lies a gem. An uncut gem, rough yet priceless beyond measure. The gem gleams with brilliance unseen. However you mask it. Every time you underestimate yourself, every time you think you are not worthy, every time you put yourself down, you set yourself limits so low that anyone could easily surpass you, you draw boundaries for yourself and stay put neatly within your comfort zone while opportunities wave at you from the outside.

You who hang your head in shame in front of the jeering crowd, you whose fingers tremble whenever you attempt to show who you really are, you who are afraid of rejection and bullying, you who are terrified of humiliation because its happened too many times before, you who has failed over and over again and been ridiculed, take courage for the race is far from over.

You who were not judged by your strengths but by your weaknesses, how could you possibly succeed? Can a fish be judged by his ability to climb a tree? Your unique talent which was hand - picked and bestowed upon you, the endeavor that only you could ever excel at, let that be the standard by which you are judged.

Every harsh word that makes you withdraw into your shell, every jealous person who hates your success and undermines you, every time you succumb to the trap of self pity, every time you believe the lies of the devil, you cloud your gem from within . The you that cannot see your own brilliance, the you that clouds your own gem and covers it with dirt so that no one may ever see its radiance, do you not see the folly of your actions?

Do you know not that every obstacle faced means that whatever you’re doing counts? Do you know not that if you make no enemies and constantly try to please everybody you no longer remain on the right path? Do you not know that the path to righteousness is narrow and covered with weeds?

Do you not know that we all are part of a greater struggle and that you are never truly alone? Do you not know that our suffering unites us with the one who suffered the most for our sake? Do you not know that you are no longer a victim of circumstances; you are now an heir to the kingdom of God?

Do you not know that you are backed by the most powerful, the Almighty God himself? Do you not know that the gem within you is a fragment of His brilliance, pieces of a broken star, God’s power waiting to be unleashed within you?

You who cannot believe in your own goodness, I tell you to believe. You are wonderful, beautiful, talented, unique, hand crafted by the Almighty, a one of a kind masterpiece created to glorify Him. Your inspiration comes from Him and you are His instrument, you are His weapon against the darkness and through you people will see the light.

You are distinct, exquisite like a snowflake, none like you has ever walked this earth and none like you ever will. You were specifically engineered to tackle a certain loophole of the Enemy’s with your unique talents and skills, never underestimate the power of one human being wielded by the Almighty Himself.

Unleash the potential within you, lift your weary head, raise your eyes and look upon the brand new horizon. No longer will you be beaten down and haunted by the ghosts of the past. Today is the day you take charge, today is the day you start living the way you were meant to live, today is the day you claim your inheritance as an heir to the kingdom. Today is an opportunity to put forward in motion a single step, to engineer change and leave a lasting legacy.

And you a mere human, you are capable of this because of the gem that lies within you. The power of God Himself, His Holy Spirit and unmerited grace.

Your trials cut and shape the gem within you, your pain smoothens the rough edges, your suffering washes away the cloudiness, and it’s brilliance cannot be beaten, it shines with a radiance that can no longer be subdued.

You are wonderful, you are beautiful, you are worthy.

You are you. And you are enough. You always were.

And at the end of this weary road lies peace and tranquility for ever more.

Alone in a crowd:

That's right. I'm an introvert. A hard core introvert. I prefer reading to watching a movie, I prefer a few close friends instead of an enormous group, I prefer staying home and just talking late into the night instead of going out or partying. And I love this aspect of my personality, I love being an introvert.

I've never wished I was an extrovert. To me the life of an extrovert seemed strangely flashy and empty. Being an introvert I always felt gave me the opportunity to build deeper, intimate, long lasting connections with people rather than a wide range of acquaintances who wouldn't give a whit about you if you disappeared.

However even among introverts I'm a little special. I'm some sort of a super introvert. I can sit in silence for hours. I enjoy my own company so much its almost unnatural, my brain is my best friend. I spend ages thinking about any topic that seizes my fancy and when I've thought all I can about it I move on to the next. There's nothing I enjoy more than thinking.

This means though that ordinary people rarely understand my thought process and even find it a little weird. There are a measly few people like me who can actually resonate with me and find that connection. Measly few who enjoy over-thinking as much as I do.

The relationship between St Francis and Claire has often been mistaken as romantic affection yet it runs way beyond that. What struck Claire like a bolt of lightning when she saw Francis was the similarity. For the first time as she saw him preach she realized that she had met someone who's love for God mirrored her love for God. She was so used to being alone, she never felt like anyone ever understood the extent of her longing and desire for God and when she met Francis she finally saw in him someone who matched her desire. And the connection between these two resonated deep and struck a wonderful chord somewhere in the universe. This was no childish fancy, no teenage romance. It was something much more than romance, an understanding so deep that from it emanated the purest form of love. It was a marriage of mind and soul, something that transcended mere physical intimacy.

I've always been alone in a crowd. The few times I've tried to explain myself to people who I thought were like minded ended in abject failure. I'm yet to meet that one person who would completely understand and appreciate the way I think and the person I am. I'm one half of a pair and I feel incomplete.

The longing to be understood and seen for the person I am in entirety is so deep that it overwhelms me.

I wonder what would happen when I finally meet him. I imagine that when we meet time would stand still and somewhere in the universe a wonderful chord will be struck. And it will seem as if we've known each other forever. intimate friends whose love transcends a single lifetime.

Hey, a girl can dream. I'm a princess of the Almighty why should I settle for anything less?

Behind the Mask:

You walked into my life. You looked me up and down. My face, my body, my physical appearance. You listened to my words, you observed my mannerisms, you glanced at the façade I put on, but you didn’t glance through. You quietly stored away what you gleaned; you assumed and presumed, you passed judgments. You stuck firm by your convictions, stubborn in your belief that you understood me, that somehow you knew me better than I knew myself. And I laughed at your foolishness, your childish presumption.

Satisfied that you had learnt all there is to know about me you walked away. Without ever knowing who I am, you decided that you never needed me in your life based on what you saw, what you heard, what you believed. And yet again you stood firm, you were an impenetrable fortress, denser than a forest you refused to see the light.

“Fool” I whispered quietly “I let you see what you wanted to see, I let you hear what you wanted to hear. You never saw me for who I am, you never tried to crack the mask, to stare deep into the swirling galaxies in me, to gaze at the beauty within and now you never will.”

You who chose to listen to others over me, who chose to believe others, you who never strove to see the truth for yourself. Let this be your curse, you who willfully blinded yourself. You will never see.

If you ever saw my naked soul, you would weep unceasingly over what you lost.

And after giving it my all, satisfied; I move on.

Joy is in my heart:

A friend of mine had recently given me some constructive criticism and asked me to focus on my positive experiences instead of the negative ones. I dodged the proverbial bullet with my regular excuses that happy times were far and few in my life and the unhappy ones were those that brought about significant learnings. However in hindsight I realized that I remember such few happy times because I rarely dwell on them and I have decided to document some of those memories here to remind me later.

I've been through 2 generations of change. Two generations of friends turning over and moving on to better things and each time I've spent a lot of time staring at the doors that closed behind me and have never been able to  see the many new doors that opened up in front of me. A close friend of mine always said that friendship is a season and while a part of me agreed, a major part of me always wondered why it couldn't last longer. What about people who managed to remain friends forever? In my life it seems they slip in, we spend a few good moments, a lot of unhappy ones, I get some great paradigm shifting experiences and then they disappear.

A new chapter has begun. I tore out the old pages and started filling in the blank new pages. Even though October is towards the end of the year it feels like the beginning of a new year for me. New friends, new beginnings, a fresh new start and an infinitely more positive self.

Last week I finally resigned from a job that I detested. I've always wanted to do something unusual like being a lawyer, or a detective (don’t laugh), or forensics or writing or teaching. The thought of an ordinary desk job always gave me a headache but the paths to doing what I've really wanted to do always appeared to be dead ends. So I quietly followed the structured career plan my dad had in store for me and ended up in the most dreaded of all careers – Auditing.

I remember in the start of the year I had written to God and asked him to please help me get out of this job and this wonderful, romantic boyfriend of mine actually listened. My dad finally let me resign and is actually willing to sit down with me and listen to what I want to do with my life. Thank You Lord!

One of the reasons my friendships seldom last is my inability to show love. My lovely sister has always been able to see through the façade and witness the real love I have in me but she also constantly reminds me that love that is not expressed is not love at all. So I have really been trying to express love, I finally told my strict dad that he was my hero and that I loved him, I told my sister who’s always been pestering me for affection, and for a few weeks now I've really been trying to show people how much I love them. It was hard at first but the joy that comes afterwards cannot be replaced.

It is truly in giving that you receive.

I had an amazing weekend with two treasured friends. One of these guys is the longest friends I’ve had, he’s managed to stand me for 5 years and this road trip to Ras Al Khaimah was the best time for me. We went to support a retreat musically and had such a wonderful time. Music is an integral part of who I am and this is the first time I've been able to connect with friends through music. We spent hours late into the night jamming and just cracking lame jokes. I felt like for the first time I was just so free and truly myself.

People always have issues with my music taste especially when they get into my car. Because in my car its 24/7 praise and worship. But with these awesome guys we sang along to every song on that CD all the way to and back from RAK. It was just such an amazing time, I was supremely tired by the end of it but it will definitely be a treasured memory.

I was told that I am loved and I really believed it. I thought I had lost the ability to love but it’s waking slowly inside of me again.

I've had many, many negative experiences in the past but I've seldom regretted them simply because I've learnt so much through them. I've always had an ability to empathize deeply because of my several experiences and God has really been using that to listen to people, spending time with them, getting to know them better, praying for them and comforting them.

God has been reminding me firmly not to slip into my old cycles again and these continuous reminders have really kept me on track so far.

I've been working on my terrible habit of putting on a façade and now I’m trying every moment to be truly, genuinely myself. And the freedom that comes along with that is so sweet; you can only make genuine friends when you are being genuine yourself. It’s stunning to realize that after revealing my true character people have fallen in love with who I really am instead of who I want them to perceive me to be.

I spent another two days with the Thomas sisters just hanging out together and watching movies. We watched Lucy and Barbie in the dreamhouse (of all the lame things that we could watch together) and we had a fantabulous time together. I've always wanted to be a part of household full of girls and the weekend was like a dream weekend.

Last night when I was helping one of the younger ones with her homework she looked at me and told me “Pratibha, you have this way of making boring things interesting”. What a melting the heart moment.

In the past 2 months so many amazing things have happened, and so much to look forward to in the future. I feel like I’m about to burst with joy and it seems as if happiness has found its way into my life again.

Old friends have gone, new friends have come. The page turns over and a fresh chapter begins. Everyday is a brand new day to do something new and worthwhile and live joyfully instead of merely existing. After all the glory of God is a human fully alive and finally I’m alive again.

Thank You Lord.