Unconditional Love:

I was recently reading about the wonderful story of St. Francis and St. Clare - two individuals who loved each other so deeply that it was rare to find that kind of love even among married couples. While I was reading about their story I came across this beautiful incident that really touched me. Once while Francis and Clare were travelling together they came upon an inn, the innkeeper glanced at the two dressed up in religious clothing and muttered indignantly that it was scandalous that a man and women were using religion as an excuse to wander around together. On hearing this Francis was deeply disturbed and quiet as they continued travelling. He looked at Clare and said - "Do you know what people are saying about us?" Clare was stricken by his tone while Francis continued "You should go on towards your convent, I will go my own way". Clare asked desperately " When can we meet again?" Francis looked at the mountain which was covered in a thick layer of snow as they were in the depth of winter and said "When flowers bloom on this mountain we can meet again". Registering his meaning Clare heartbroken turned around and walked towards home. Suddenly the snow melted and thousands of flowers bloomed on the mountain. Clare joyfully gathered them and ran towards Francis. Francis gazed in wonderment and was satisfied. God had approved their friendship.

Isn't that just beautiful? Both Francis and Clare had such pure hearts and so much innocence when they met each other, but they were put down by what others perceived and muttered. However God who sees the heart knew that their hearts were pure and approved the friendship. No matter how wrongly accused we are we can take comfort in the fact that our Divine Creator knows all. We don't need to wage a battle to prove our innocence, He will fight for us and ensure that Justice is meted out. 

Another thing that struck me while reading this was the extent of St Clare's love. Francis even though he loved her deeply maintained tremendous reserve when he was with her. He was always worried and concerned about what others would think and kept her at distance. In fact he was sometimes so harsh that he was chided by his fellow brothers for being so strict with Clare. He rarely showed her how much he loved her. What I love about Clare is that she disregarded this, she never took offense, she never let pride get in the way. She loved him regardless, she wore her heart on her sleeve and displayed her affection openly. In fact anyone else in Clare's place would have taken offense easily, would be hurt and withdraw because of pride, they would withhold love if it was not being returned to the extent that it was given. But Clare loved unselfishly, openly and gave her love freely as a gift.

If we take offense easily in a relationship, that is pride. If we withhold love when its not being returned, it defeats the nature of love. Love is self denying, it is gift given regardless of the circumstances and cannot be taken back. It is a decision to love through good and bad, happy and sad. Just like there is no such thing as a tall, short man, there is no such thing as a selfish love. Both words contradict each other. Love cannot be hidden either. If its not expressed and the other person never ever knows, it is not love. Yes love hurts. As C.S Lewis once wisely said when we choose to love we make ourselves vulnerable. But the only place where we can be safe from the pangs of love besides heaven is hell. And as Mother Theresa once said if you keep loving there will come a point where there is no more hurt just love.

I wish I could love like Clare. My pride and hurt has destroyed many of my relationships and I have come to a realization that I have loved selfishly i.e. I have not loved at all. But the beautiful part of being human is that we can always pick ourselves and try again, its never too late. Every saint has a past and every sinner has a future. And every sinner can become a saint.

 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Love never fails.(1 Corinthians 13:4-8)

Radical Change:

I entered the ministry at the young, misunderstood age of 17 years old and I have been a part of it for 5 years. However for someone who has been in the ministry for so long my spiritual development is woefully slow. Why, you ask? By nature I am the kind of person who has a lot of desires to do many things but fear, doubt and indifference gets in the way whenever I'm about to start a new endeavor. Doubt if I can accomplish anything, fear that I won't be accepted and ridiculed and indifference to cope with the other two that plagued me.

My theory in life so far has hence been this. Don't dream high, don't dream big. Do everything in moderation, extreme moderation, don't attempt something new, don't dare, just aim to survive. I grew up in the age where you can do whatever you want to do, you can be whatever you want be was the overriding theme in all the movies we watched, all the songs we listened to and all the books we read. This unnatural train of thought crept into my spiritual life as well. I was awed by people I saw around me, I was awed at the things they did for the Lord, I was amazed by their faith and certainty that the Lord will come through at all times. And a seed of hope was planted in my heart that maybe one day I could be like this. So tentatively I started considering God as someone who could pull me out of this state of ambivalence. Someone who could possibly allow me to have dreams without the fear of failing, someone who could accept me for all I am, someone who could instill hope in me when I started to doubt myself.

However my theory of life didn't allow me to do so. I believed in extreme moderation so I set extremely low milestones for myself. Just go to mass once a week. Pray once in a while. Read the bible when you're in trouble. And as such I was left behind as all around me were able to achieve great spiritual heights. Sometimes a great retreat would come along and I would be filled with fire, but it would die in the next few weeks. I wasn't convinced about my faith. And like this I would have highs and lows, highs and low, always in between, neutral and the voice of moderation. I was always straddling the fence neither here nor there, not too much in the world or with the Lord, I would just slip into whichever was the most convenient depending on the circumstances. And I blamed Him all the while. I blamed Him for not holding onto me, for not filling me with fiery zeal, for not going all out for convincing me about Him, I accused Him of neglecting me while I should have been accusing my half heartedness, and my fickle mind. I thought by being indifferent and not choosing either definitely I was playing it safe. I was neither bad nor good, neither hot nor cold, I was lukewarm. I wasn't hurting anyone by not making a choice so it's all good, right?

Wrong. My favorite person in the world Venerable Archbishop Fulton J. Sheen once said this "We have the choice to be either a saint or a sinner, up the peak of eternity or back into the chasms of despair and frustration. But we wrongly believe that we have another alternative, namely indifference a state of suspending animation without choosing to live against God or for him. But hibernation is no escape; winter ends, and one is then forced to make a decision—indeed, the very choice of indifference is itself a decision. White fences do not remain white fences by having nothing done to them; they soon become black fences. By the mere fact that we do not go forward, we go backward. There are no plains in the spiritual life, we are either going uphill or coming down. Furthermore the pose of indifference is only intellectual. The will must choose. And even though an “indifferent” soul does not positively reject the infinite, the infinite rejects it. The talents that are unused are taken away, and the Scriptures tell us that, “But because though art lukewarm, and neither cold nor hot, I will begin to vomit thee out of my mouth” (Rev. 3:16).”

This blew me away. It was against all that I had thought so far. It wrecked my whole belief system and brought me down to my knees. The time had come for radical change. But in order to implement this change I had to battle with the three forces that have been keeping me back my entire life. Fear, doubt and indifference. It was then that I realized that the three theological virtues faith, hope and love were the exact opposites of these forces. The opposite of intense doubt and questioning was faith, the opposite of my fear that things will go wrong was hope that all was for the best, the opposite of indifference that was slowly numbing me was love. So now I'm ready for radical change. Armed with these three and ready to make a choice. I choose to be a saint.

"And now these three remain faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love." - 1 Corinthians 13:13

Fear: The Facts

Today a friend of mine got into my car with me. A rather cautious person, she sorely lacked faith in my driving and that reflected in her repeated warnings as we were on the road. Frazzled by her concern my already questionable driving skills took a dive and we almost met with an accident which I was only able to avoid by the grace of God. Now I am not the best driver in the world and I frequently attempt a lot of dangerous stunts while driving like texting, answering phone calls, searching for things in my handbag(I'm not proud of it) and I've had many close shaves but nothing quite as bad as the one we almost had today. Throughout the day as we drove around I was constantly on the edge, simultaneously affected by her lack of trust in my driving and the close shave we nearly had. Surprisingly though the minute she left my car, I regained my confidence and was able to drive quite normally. That's when I realized something. Fear can affect people. Her fear had affected me.

When another person is fearful and lacks trust in you, those unspoken things still has the power to affect you. For instance when you choose to love someone you take a risk. The risk that your love might be unrequited, the risk that the other person might leave you for someone else. When you're afraid of getting hurt in a relationship, and you lack trust in the other person, these emotions can and will reflect in that relationship. Subconsciously the other person will be aware of your fear and can pick it up in the little things you do to prevent yourself from getting hurt. Your lack of trust in them can wound them and keep them on the edge. They will become afraid of hurting you and question themselves. You become like a porcupine, shrinking into a ball to avoid getting hurt and exposing sharp prickles that can hurt others. Eventually your worst fear will come true. 

In a universe of balance however, if we believe in something the converse must be true. So if negative emotions can affect us negatively we must believe that positive emotions can affect us positively. When a person indicates unswerving trust in you, you are strengthened by their trust in you and spurred to go to great lengths to maintain that trust. Similarly when a person demonstrates great love for you, you are somehow touched by that and inspired to keep it that way. How you approach a relationship will determine the state of that relationship. This applies to everything in life.

Approach everything with a positive attitude. Your negativity can induce it everyone around you but when you're positive and you take a risk in loving others, you will be rewarded for that risk. Hope is a wonderful thing. Keep hoping and never stop. Dance like no one's watching, sing like no one's listening, love like you've never been hurt and live like it's heaven on earth. Try to see that silver lining. It in only on the darkest night that you can see the brightest stars.

Matters of the Heart:

A new beating heart is a beautiful thing to behold. Why? Because this new heart is full of hope, this heart hasn't experienced anything yet, this heart is waiting to go out into the world and face new, possibly exciting things. A new heart is innocent, forgiving and pure.  The heart may get hurt several times in the first few years of life but the heart endures patiently, loving and hoping. The body heeds the heart without complaint when we are young but a strange thing happens when we’re adolescents. The mind interferes with the heart. War ensues, logic against emotion. The heart is torn in several directions wanting to do nothing more than to endure patiently but the mind does not allow it.

When the heart is hurt, the mind uses cool logic. “Give up” the mind whispers, “Don’t hope or you’ll get hurt again”. The heart resists but the mind is stronger, more focused, more powerful than the flimsy heart. The mind allows pride to take seed, validating the course of action by calling it “self respect”. The heart struggles and eventually wins but it is greatly weakened by the struggle. The heart waits but it gets hurt again. The mind raises its hackles and attacks once more, the heart grows colder. The heart waits yet again and at the final strike love turns to hate.  The mind collects reasons to fuel hatred. “See what all he did” the mind whispers “You have endured for too long”. However all hope is not lost since great hatred can only exist where great love once did. The situation can still be salvaged. But the waiting is unrequited, hope turns to despair and hatred crystallizes into venom. A shard of ice pierces the heart leaving a scar. The very first scar on the heart that was once flawless. The venom empties, indifference sets in but the scar remains.

Time passes and once again the heart tries to love. However this time love is different. It is no longer encompassing, unconditional, overflowing love. The heart that once loved freely is ruled by fear, fear of getting hurt again. The heart withholds, not understanding that perfect love drives out fear. The heart has become stingy and miserly in giving. At the first sign of struggle the heart feels like giving up, the waiting reduces, dread increases. Once again the heart gets struck but the pain is lesser. The sensation is numb, the scar grows wider but the heart ceases to feel. The pure beautiful heart is no more. Instead we find a stone cold heart, indifferent and incapable of love.

Many times in our life we get hurt and endure it, but each time our heart grows colder until in the end there is nothing but emptiness. We cannot give what we don’t have. We literally become incapable of love. Giving and receiving. And when we don’t give love we end up hurting someone else. Another heart is scarred and the cycle of abuse continues.

Deep down in our hearts all of us want to be loved. The rich guy in the luxurious mansion, the homeless guy shivering on the street, the barbarian in prison, the calculating teenager, all of them desire love. That’s because the need for love is built into us. We were created to love and be loved. And that desire will be forever unsatisfied as long as we look around us to quench the ever increasing need. Because that desire for love is nothing more than a desire for God. God is love.

The power to break this cycle of abuse lies with you. Fill your heart with his love and you will have plenty to give others. The scars left by love can also be healed by love. And those that you heal will go out and heal others. Ultimately there will no more tears, no more sadness, no more pain because love really is the solution to everything.

I hope that you go out today and love someone who doesn't deserve it. I hope that you won’t judge that person for being the way he is because maybe he can’t give what he doesn't have. I hope that your love heals many hearts and the cycle of abuse is broken for good. I hope that the God shaped hole in your hurt is filled with the God shaped God.

I hope that one day we can all meet in heaven. And the pure hearts can rejoice once more, having driven out fear for good.

The Year in Review: Baggage Claim

"I am a flower quickly fading, here today and gone tomorrow
A wave tossed in the ocean, a vapor in the wind"

This verse from a favorite song always serves as a reminder of how insignificant my life is. Here today and gone tomorrow. My life may be as insignificant as a vapor in the wind to the world but to me its everything. Every moment counts.

When I look back at this year and try to recall the moments of true happiness, there are few that I can recall.The times I spent with close friends just being together. It was never the conversation that made the moments special. Just being there with them made me feel at peace. The times I spent during DTP with the kids. Watching them blossom beautifully, watching them getting healed, watching them grow slowly but surely into men and women of God, knowing that one day they will be on the front line in the battle we Christians are waging against the world. The times I spent making new friends, getting closer to a few people who were just mere acquaintances before. The times I spent listening to the troubles of people who trusted me enough to tell me the deepest secrets of their life. The times I spent with one special friend whom I trusted beyond anyone and to whom I bared everything and showed myself when I was the most vulnerable. The times I spent with a blessed friend who became close recently and was an inexpressible comfort to me when no one else was around. The times I could help people and glow in satisfaction when I felt useful. The times when I learnt a small, simple song on the piano and felt wonderful.

I received a lot in terms of what the world would define as success. I got a new car, a first class degree from my university, a dream job in one of the Big Four companies, an education which will be completely paid for. But when I look back these would not be among the treasured moments that I had. I refuse to define happiness the way the world defines it, I find happiness in these small moments.

The times of conflict and strife and unhappiness far exceed the moments of peace and happiness. The times when conflicts with friends could not be resolved. When a close friend told lies like the truth, lies that became the truth. When he pretended like nothing ever happened and chose to ignore issues while I was affected. When another close friend refused to trust me and defined the boundaries of our relationship through gender. When he refused to let me lean on him for emotional support that I desperately needed. When my fellow members in the ministry refused to lend a helping hand and watched while I was swept into keeping ministry afloat. When friends decided to stay silent and let hurt feelings turn into venom. When friends took a step back from me thinking that it was for my own good. When friends used me over and over again, when they disrespected me as a person, when they assumed that I would go grovelling. When I ran after people like a dog and they didn't bother and still don't. When friends knew how hurt I was but refused to apologize.When my elders deserted me and didn't even call me once.

Most of all my relationship with Him. One step forward, two steps back. I have become bitter and cynical. It was too difficult to live the way he expected me to live. Sometimes I felt neglected by Him. I saw my friends grow in faith, faith which I have never had. Doubting is second nature to me. Denying myself to an extent that I lose myself, I don't think I'm capable of that. I grew disillusioned with Him. I still am. But I still love Him and for that I'm thankful. And I know he loves me.

The baggage that I piled for many years is getting heavier. This year I added a lot more to the existing baggage. So I have made some decisions. A decision to leave behind the friends who hurt me and don't care. A decision to leave behind the guy who was my first love. A decision to detach myself until I fall in love with Him. A decision to be with the teens to help them grow and to grow myself spiritually. A decision to let go of hurt and hope in the one thing that lasts forever. A decision to wipe the slate clean and start afresh next year. A decision to let go.

A decision not to deal with baggage. That baggage can remain unclaimed.

Revenge? After all they say, the best revenge is living well.