On the road to Reconciliation:
Forgiveness. The magic word.And perhaps the most misunderstood word of all time in the English language.
Most people tend to equate forgiveness with reconciliation. They think forgiving is to resume the original state of the relationship, the same trust, the same love just as it was before. However forgiveness is just a step and reconciliation is the journey.
To forgive means to let go. It means I will not harbor what you did in my heart anymore. I will not hold it against you and I will not bring it up in the next argument to poke at your wounds. To forgive does not mean to forget. It means that the deed is done with, I have let it go and I will not seek revenge even petty revenge for what you once did. Forgiveness is hard though. When that bad memory crops up you consciously have to make the decision to forgive again. When Jesus said that you have to forgive seventy times seven times I don't think he meant the number of offences. Sometimes you have to forgive the same person for the same deed over and over again. Some days are good when you feel peaceful and you are willing to forgive. On bad days you want to be petty and unforgiving. Forgiveness is a constant everyday battle for some of us, when we wake up in the morning we have to consciously reforge the decision to forgive.
Reconciliation is however something altogether different. Reconciliation means that the slate is clean, your past is erased. Reconciliation means Reunion. Once again we enjoy the original state of friendship, the same trust once more, the same love we once shared. Reconciliation is what happens in the confessional. When Jesus wipes my past clean, when he says its all forgotten and once again the heavenly friendship is resumed just as it was before. Jesus does not merely forgive, he reconciles.
However being human beings forgiveness is hard enough, forget reconciliation. Most of us don't want to forgive. Even if we do we think it stops with forgiveness. We rarely aim for reconciliation. Maybe its because we believe in the lies of the Devil and think its impossible. Maybe we've been hurt too much and we don't want to try again. Either way the primary cause for foregoing reconciliation is fear and hopelessness.
I had some friends who hurt me and I had hurt them in return. When we sat together one day to pray though I wasn't in a forgiving mood. My heart wanted it but unconsciously past events kept cropping up. Everyday I was reliving the pain of the past and I was struggling to forgive. Reconciliation? Bah forget it.
But that day as we sat together I realized that we all were changed. That I wrongly believed that I alone was suffering. We all were hurt, we all had trust issues, we could no longer be the free loving open individuals we were once in the past. It haunted me to see my struggles mirrored in their faces. And that prodded me towards forgiveness. Understanding begets empathy and empathy stirred the small, flickering flame of love in my heart once more.
Everyday when I wake up now I have to consciously make the decision to forgive. Some days are harder than most, when I'm irritable and assaulted with negative events. That's when I run to God and offer up my heart on the altar in the clouds and ask God to hold me and help me forgive. And for that day, just that golden day I can forgive.
And the day will come when I don't have to struggle to forgive anymore.
Maybe we can't forgive because we set out standards too low. Because our benchmark is not reconciliation but forgiveness. Let's raise the bar and set higher standards. In our quest to become Christ like let's aim to reconcile and then maybe we'll be able to forgive.
Wednesday 27 August 2014
Saturday 23 August 2014
Hubris:
Hubris. The Greek word for deadly pride. It refers to the belief that things would be done much better if you were in charge. And its my fatal flaw. It always has been.
Everyone's a critic. I'm no exception. Specially when it comes to ministry I find that I get excessively critical and I have always thought that it stemmed from a genuine desire to do good. And it does in part but it also stems from a sense of self righteousness. Pride in my own abilities and the misguided belief that everyone is wrong and I am right.
I wonder if I was actually right this time. Whether what I'm saying for the good of the ministry is really necessary for the ministry. Or is it the ego of being part of it for five years that makes me think I'm in a position to change things when its not done to my liking. I don't know.
If this is pride Lord, show me that it is my pride. Kill my pride and make me humble.
God is so funny sometimes. He does things and I have no idea what He's doing and why and after years I see that everything was part of a grand scheme. Every event that happened was one move of a master strategy that spans my whole life. And I have no idea what's happening when its happening but like a chess Grandmaster he has already planned 20 moves in advance. And when I see segments of His plan I am in awe of his brilliance.
I saw a part of His master plan yesterday. Like a completed puzzle a few things that happened for 2 years clicked in and suddenly made sense. He has such a roundabout way of making me do things I don't want to. But He always right.
And I am delighted. Like a child watching a magic trick unfold. Like watching a Christopher Nolan movie. I always felt like He was laughing at me when things were happening but now I am laughing with him. You are truly funny Lord.
Hubris. The Greek word for deadly pride. It refers to the belief that things would be done much better if you were in charge. And its my fatal flaw. It always has been.
Everyone's a critic. I'm no exception. Specially when it comes to ministry I find that I get excessively critical and I have always thought that it stemmed from a genuine desire to do good. And it does in part but it also stems from a sense of self righteousness. Pride in my own abilities and the misguided belief that everyone is wrong and I am right.
I wonder if I was actually right this time. Whether what I'm saying for the good of the ministry is really necessary for the ministry. Or is it the ego of being part of it for five years that makes me think I'm in a position to change things when its not done to my liking. I don't know.
If this is pride Lord, show me that it is my pride. Kill my pride and make me humble.
God is so funny sometimes. He does things and I have no idea what He's doing and why and after years I see that everything was part of a grand scheme. Every event that happened was one move of a master strategy that spans my whole life. And I have no idea what's happening when its happening but like a chess Grandmaster he has already planned 20 moves in advance. And when I see segments of His plan I am in awe of his brilliance.
I saw a part of His master plan yesterday. Like a completed puzzle a few things that happened for 2 years clicked in and suddenly made sense. He has such a roundabout way of making me do things I don't want to. But He always right.
And I am delighted. Like a child watching a magic trick unfold. Like watching a Christopher Nolan movie. I always felt like He was laughing at me when things were happening but now I am laughing with him. You are truly funny Lord.
Wednesday 20 August 2014
And it wanders...
Martin Luther King Jr. was responsible for the Protestant Reformation. And as a hardcore Catholic I do find myself annoyed with him for creating one of the greatest church divisions in history. I wonder why he couldn't work to reform from within and chose to leave the Church instead. But on days like today I feel like I can sympathize. I feel his discontent as he gazed at the Mother Church, I feel his unhappiness as he looks at the atrocities committed by those in power, I feel the helplessness of only being able to watch and not being able to do anything to transform. I doubt the decision to leave the Church and create his own was an easy one. I imagine that he spent days and nights tossing and turning over in bed and I see him asking himself " I could work from within to ignite change but must the cost of change be my salvation?"
Because you see one man pitting himself against the strongly bureaucratic, hierarchical Church is no easy feat. And in the process he feared he would grow disillusioned and apart from Him. It was no easy choice to make, to leave behind the traditions he so loved.
And today as I look in dismay at my ministry I am faced with a similar decision. I could work from within to ignite change but must the cost of change be my formation?
And thus my mind wanders.
Martin Luther King Jr. was responsible for the Protestant Reformation. And as a hardcore Catholic I do find myself annoyed with him for creating one of the greatest church divisions in history. I wonder why he couldn't work to reform from within and chose to leave the Church instead. But on days like today I feel like I can sympathize. I feel his discontent as he gazed at the Mother Church, I feel his unhappiness as he looks at the atrocities committed by those in power, I feel the helplessness of only being able to watch and not being able to do anything to transform. I doubt the decision to leave the Church and create his own was an easy one. I imagine that he spent days and nights tossing and turning over in bed and I see him asking himself " I could work from within to ignite change but must the cost of change be my salvation?"
Because you see one man pitting himself against the strongly bureaucratic, hierarchical Church is no easy feat. And in the process he feared he would grow disillusioned and apart from Him. It was no easy choice to make, to leave behind the traditions he so loved.
And today as I look in dismay at my ministry I am faced with a similar decision. I could work from within to ignite change but must the cost of change be my formation?
And thus my mind wanders.
Sunday 17 August 2014
Theater:
Every movie has a set of characters. We have the protagonist whose life and struggles we focus on, whose choices create the central conflicts within the movie. The lead always has a loyal, unswerving sidekick, the kind of best friend we'd all die for. We have the romantic interest who brings a little more drama to the story. Then we have the antagonists who are actively plotting the downfall of the main character. There are some mindless characters provided for comic relief, however they are rarely memorable. There are the characters that are important to the protagonist, so integral to his life but in the end they disappoint him by never coming through in times of need, by missing the climax altogether. Then there are the scene-stealers who are absent for the most part of the movie but show up in a pivotal moment and steal the show. Last and definitely the least are the extras who act as the crowd who are neither focused on and are alas forgotten.
In this drama called life in which I thought I was the protagonist you can observe all these characters. There were people who I was excessively focused on, people who my life revolved around the whole time. And I expected their life to revolve around me as well. However they surprised me by not being there during extreme circumstances when I was taxed to the limit. This forced me to reorder priorities and learn how to handle things on my own instead of waiting for people to help. It propelled me into action. It taught me that I probably give undue importance where it is not necessary and tend to ignore people who really want and deserve my attention but never receive it.
There was an antagonist and man was he powerful. He was a masterful strategist. He was so cunning, he messed with my mind, and drowned me in negativity. He made me see everyone as my enemy. He had such a strong hold over me but I never realized that he was there. If I had maybe I could have thwarted his attempts to unsettle me. Ephesians 6:12 says that we battle with spirits. What an epic battle. I was swept off my feet.
There was a sweet romantic interest. Completely one sided from me of course. But it was so beautiful and romantic. I started feeling hopeful about love again. We had some few magical moments every year, days spent together when the facade would drop, and we were completely ourselves without the masks, the attitude, the barriers/paradigms. When we felt this perfect resonance and harmony and we were so in tune with each other's thoughts. When we sat in amiable silence next to each other just enjoying the other's presence. And for those few days I felt so needed and so loved. But reality taps at my shoulder. The dream has ended, I must wake .
There were quite a few scene stealers. An unexpected friend who jumped into my life out of nowhere and wow what a perfect match for me. I felt like finally I had met someone who could understand my weird thought processes and who enjoyed over-thinking. And it was a much needed female presence that I desperately lacked. I enjoyed arguing about doubts and exploring my faith together with her. I grew holier in prayer and with little snippets of encouragement. It was a connection I had never had and one I will treasure all my life. Another amazing friend who I had barely noticed until now was such a savior. He helped me mend a broken friendship, one that I thought I had lost for good. He constantly looked out for me so tenderly. And of course my favorite, solid friend who's so constantly reliable by always being there no matter what. Even though we don't share the same wavelength and probably never will nevertheless, this guy is too amazing.
And of course the best friend worth dying for. Except He died for me first.
It was sobering to realize that even though I thought I was one of the main characters in the lives of people who were terribly important to me, I was just another comic relief character or worse a faceless extra. The knowledge was revealing, and sometimes saddening. Maybe I had asserted too much importance to myself. And maybe this had caused me to have unreasonable expectations from them when I was not important to them from the beginning. Truth does hurt, but it sheds light and creates self awareness which is instrumental for growth.
All the world is a stage and men, merely players.
Every movie has a set of characters. We have the protagonist whose life and struggles we focus on, whose choices create the central conflicts within the movie. The lead always has a loyal, unswerving sidekick, the kind of best friend we'd all die for. We have the romantic interest who brings a little more drama to the story. Then we have the antagonists who are actively plotting the downfall of the main character. There are some mindless characters provided for comic relief, however they are rarely memorable. There are the characters that are important to the protagonist, so integral to his life but in the end they disappoint him by never coming through in times of need, by missing the climax altogether. Then there are the scene-stealers who are absent for the most part of the movie but show up in a pivotal moment and steal the show. Last and definitely the least are the extras who act as the crowd who are neither focused on and are alas forgotten.
In this drama called life in which I thought I was the protagonist you can observe all these characters. There were people who I was excessively focused on, people who my life revolved around the whole time. And I expected their life to revolve around me as well. However they surprised me by not being there during extreme circumstances when I was taxed to the limit. This forced me to reorder priorities and learn how to handle things on my own instead of waiting for people to help. It propelled me into action. It taught me that I probably give undue importance where it is not necessary and tend to ignore people who really want and deserve my attention but never receive it.
There was an antagonist and man was he powerful. He was a masterful strategist. He was so cunning, he messed with my mind, and drowned me in negativity. He made me see everyone as my enemy. He had such a strong hold over me but I never realized that he was there. If I had maybe I could have thwarted his attempts to unsettle me. Ephesians 6:12 says that we battle with spirits. What an epic battle. I was swept off my feet.
There was a sweet romantic interest. Completely one sided from me of course. But it was so beautiful and romantic. I started feeling hopeful about love again. We had some few magical moments every year, days spent together when the facade would drop, and we were completely ourselves without the masks, the attitude, the barriers/paradigms. When we felt this perfect resonance and harmony and we were so in tune with each other's thoughts. When we sat in amiable silence next to each other just enjoying the other's presence. And for those few days I felt so needed and so loved. But reality taps at my shoulder. The dream has ended, I must wake .
There were quite a few scene stealers. An unexpected friend who jumped into my life out of nowhere and wow what a perfect match for me. I felt like finally I had met someone who could understand my weird thought processes and who enjoyed over-thinking. And it was a much needed female presence that I desperately lacked. I enjoyed arguing about doubts and exploring my faith together with her. I grew holier in prayer and with little snippets of encouragement. It was a connection I had never had and one I will treasure all my life. Another amazing friend who I had barely noticed until now was such a savior. He helped me mend a broken friendship, one that I thought I had lost for good. He constantly looked out for me so tenderly. And of course my favorite, solid friend who's so constantly reliable by always being there no matter what. Even though we don't share the same wavelength and probably never will nevertheless, this guy is too amazing.
And of course the best friend worth dying for. Except He died for me first.
It was sobering to realize that even though I thought I was one of the main characters in the lives of people who were terribly important to me, I was just another comic relief character or worse a faceless extra. The knowledge was revealing, and sometimes saddening. Maybe I had asserted too much importance to myself. And maybe this had caused me to have unreasonable expectations from them when I was not important to them from the beginning. Truth does hurt, but it sheds light and creates self awareness which is instrumental for growth.
All the world is a stage and men, merely players.
Saturday 16 August 2014
Secrets and Lies:
I can never understand how God works. But He works in the most mysterious way possible. I was supposed to go away for this weekend to attend a formation training in another emirate. Somehow though I just couldn't bring myself to go, the thought of leaving made me feel very unpleasant and at the last minute I changed my mind and ended up in a friend's house. We sat up chatting late into the wee hours of the night, rambling about any topic that caught our whims and fancies and suddenly out of nowhere one friend started sharing about a vision she had two years ago.
As she shared, my spine stiffened and my breath caught in my throat because I could see the vision as she was speaking. She saw a vision about three elders ministering to a group of teens on a rooftop. It was daytime and slowly it became dark. After the praise and worship ended the teens were sent below and two of the elders followed them downstairs. However the last one suddenly turned and stared directly at her and his face was that of a demon. I was so scared by this time, I could barely think straight but somehow I felt the time she received the vision was important. So I kept asking her when did you see this, which month was it and she said it was November 2012. How well I remember that time.
It was about that time that two of our treasured elders, people who founded the ministry and were pillars of the ministry were leaving us. They left the ministry in the hands of a few of us who grew up in the teens and were great friends. However as soon as they left problems started plaguing us.
2013 was a year full of struggles. The year started with a fight and ended with a fight. Throughout the year a bunch of us who were so close to each other and who were in charge of the ministry were arguing constantly, fighting and blaming each other. There was so much negativity and pride, resentment, envy, bitterness, self righteousness going on. Accusations were flying around and endless confrontations were held throughout the year. But no resolution appeared. The worst part being we were so blinded by our pride that we didn't see that we were being manipulated by a grand puppet master. The struggles continued into this year with me spending the first eight months in major depression.
As I was seeing the vision, I realized that the elders in the scene were us. The ministry ran fine and whoever attended never figured out what was going on behind the scenes. When the demon turned to look at me I felt like his smile was mocking. He was saying that he had already sowed the seeds of discord and disunity among us. And it was so true. Because October 2012 is when all our problems really started. The vision was meant to serve as a warning but we never knew. We were so content with blaming each other and fighting, so blinded to the truth that we played right into the hands of the evil one.
And he played so well. He sowed lies and deceit, misunderstandings and unforgiveness. No wonder he is called the Father of Lies. Our friendship was so strong and instrumental for leading the ministry. And the devil chose to attack that holy friendship to tear the ministry apart.
I think the evil one's biggest trap is that we rarely realize that he's there working behind the scenes. And when we finally overcome that trap we might feel tempted to wallow in regret, guilt and shame regarding the past. That's the trap laid within the trap.
It was no coincidence that I didn't go away this weekend. It was no coincidence that I ended up in this friend's house and I heard this. It was no coincidence that a vision seen 2 years ago was randomly shared now. Because that was God's way of telling us that we need to sit in prayer. That we need to intercede strongly that all the bondages built over the past years get broken and that healing begins in each of our hearts before we all go our separate ways. And I'm so thankful that inspite of all the struggles God never allowed the friendship to get broken. And after spending two days in constant prayer I have mentally received closure regarding the past two years. The realization put so many events in perspective, the last vestiges of unforgiveness have been swept away and finally my heart is peaceful.
The Divine Healer has begun healing. And He will complete the good work that He has begun in us.
I can never understand how God works. But He works in the most mysterious way possible. I was supposed to go away for this weekend to attend a formation training in another emirate. Somehow though I just couldn't bring myself to go, the thought of leaving made me feel very unpleasant and at the last minute I changed my mind and ended up in a friend's house. We sat up chatting late into the wee hours of the night, rambling about any topic that caught our whims and fancies and suddenly out of nowhere one friend started sharing about a vision she had two years ago.
As she shared, my spine stiffened and my breath caught in my throat because I could see the vision as she was speaking. She saw a vision about three elders ministering to a group of teens on a rooftop. It was daytime and slowly it became dark. After the praise and worship ended the teens were sent below and two of the elders followed them downstairs. However the last one suddenly turned and stared directly at her and his face was that of a demon. I was so scared by this time, I could barely think straight but somehow I felt the time she received the vision was important. So I kept asking her when did you see this, which month was it and she said it was November 2012. How well I remember that time.
It was about that time that two of our treasured elders, people who founded the ministry and were pillars of the ministry were leaving us. They left the ministry in the hands of a few of us who grew up in the teens and were great friends. However as soon as they left problems started plaguing us.
2013 was a year full of struggles. The year started with a fight and ended with a fight. Throughout the year a bunch of us who were so close to each other and who were in charge of the ministry were arguing constantly, fighting and blaming each other. There was so much negativity and pride, resentment, envy, bitterness, self righteousness going on. Accusations were flying around and endless confrontations were held throughout the year. But no resolution appeared. The worst part being we were so blinded by our pride that we didn't see that we were being manipulated by a grand puppet master. The struggles continued into this year with me spending the first eight months in major depression.
As I was seeing the vision, I realized that the elders in the scene were us. The ministry ran fine and whoever attended never figured out what was going on behind the scenes. When the demon turned to look at me I felt like his smile was mocking. He was saying that he had already sowed the seeds of discord and disunity among us. And it was so true. Because October 2012 is when all our problems really started. The vision was meant to serve as a warning but we never knew. We were so content with blaming each other and fighting, so blinded to the truth that we played right into the hands of the evil one.
And he played so well. He sowed lies and deceit, misunderstandings and unforgiveness. No wonder he is called the Father of Lies. Our friendship was so strong and instrumental for leading the ministry. And the devil chose to attack that holy friendship to tear the ministry apart.
I think the evil one's biggest trap is that we rarely realize that he's there working behind the scenes. And when we finally overcome that trap we might feel tempted to wallow in regret, guilt and shame regarding the past. That's the trap laid within the trap.
It was no coincidence that I didn't go away this weekend. It was no coincidence that I ended up in this friend's house and I heard this. It was no coincidence that a vision seen 2 years ago was randomly shared now. Because that was God's way of telling us that we need to sit in prayer. That we need to intercede strongly that all the bondages built over the past years get broken and that healing begins in each of our hearts before we all go our separate ways. And I'm so thankful that inspite of all the struggles God never allowed the friendship to get broken. And after spending two days in constant prayer I have mentally received closure regarding the past two years. The realization put so many events in perspective, the last vestiges of unforgiveness have been swept away and finally my heart is peaceful.
The Divine Healer has begun healing. And He will complete the good work that He has begun in us.
Tuesday 12 August 2014
Help me Love, Lord
I'm facing one of those days when its really difficult to love. When love is not returned in the measure its given and casual replies which border on indifference are tossed back at me, I can't help but get disappointed. My heart is overflowing but my excitement is doused because love is unrequited. But then anyone can love someone who's perfectly nice and lovely to them. The challenge is loving even when you are met with complete indifference. Help me to love like you Lord. I'm too imperfect.
I'm facing one of those days when its really difficult to love. When love is not returned in the measure its given and casual replies which border on indifference are tossed back at me, I can't help but get disappointed. My heart is overflowing but my excitement is doused because love is unrequited. But then anyone can love someone who's perfectly nice and lovely to them. The challenge is loving even when you are met with complete indifference. Help me to love like you Lord. I'm too imperfect.
Monday 11 August 2014
The Science behind Heartbreak:
I've had my share of broken relationships. And there are several types of relationships that could be broken but today I want to deal specifically with boy-girl relationships.
Boy - girl relationships are the most curious thing I've ever come across. I've seen close friendships that I'm sure would evolve into something romantic but remains platonic for a lifetime. I've also seen romance arise out of the most unexpected relationships, relationships that I had assigned to merely a close brother-sister type of friendship. The complex nature of boy-girl friendships make it difficult to toe the boundary line. Frequently we find the lines between friendship and romance blurring.
But relationships whether platonic or romantic can be broken. And the trauma that develops from it can last a lifetime. When it comes to a cross gender friendship though, majority of the times the brokenness arise from the different natures of men and women.
Lets face it. Men and women are fundamentally different. Women are deeply emotional and perceptive. Men, well not so much on the emotion. When something significantly wrong happens within the relationship, when an issue that could affect the state of the friendship occurs - the woman is mostly the first to notice it and bring it to attention. This is where a woman's perceptiveness comes into play. She starts noticing the smallest things, seemingly innocuous things and assigns a positive or a negative intent to it. She builds her case slowly, storing away events in the mind. And when she can no longer ignore the issue, she brings it up outright.
Now men, you guys are seriously awesome. And we can't live without you. But you guys are also remarkably dense. And when a girl is seriously discussing an issue with you, you tend not to take it very seriously. Sometimes you don't even give her an opportunity to vent things out.You're probably wondering - it's such a small thing, why is she bringing it up? It may annoy you, but sometimes you do the gentlemanly thing and pretend to listen. However that creates more problems than it solves because you can't rectify a problem if you don't know what the hell it is.
So while a girl is constantly trying to get confrontational and ringing relationship alarm bells, the guys tend to ignore it thinking it will pass eventually - its just a temporary phase of craziness. They don't pay attention to what the girl is saying and frequently forget that she just needs to talk things out seriously. Don't get me wrong, its not that men do not care - its because women and men are fundamentally wired differently from the beginning, men get in touch with their emotions much later than women while woman are more concerned with the here and now.
When a girl's bid for attention gets ignored often enough, she moves on to other tactics. She might start ignoring the guy. Ignoring a person is 90% of the time a bid for attention - just a way to ensure that the other party gets the point that this is serious and we need to talk before we resume the original state of friendship.
Sometimes this works and there are some guys who genuinely get concerned and clear out the issue. However other times they either ignore them back because of pride and ego or try to gloss over the issue and resume the original friendship without tackling the crux of the matter. And if this happens constantly women feel their worth diminishing slowly, they lose hope in the relationship and slowly start pulling away.
Now this phase is really critical in a friendship - when the girl starts pulling away and the guy does not react in time, the girl's affection can slowly turn into hatred. At this stage the friendship can still be salvaged because she is not devoid of emotion, however if allowed long enough hatred eventually empties out and she becomes indifferent. That is, it no longer matters to her if this guy is a part of her life or not. If he suddenly left her life today, she would not be affected. She simply does not care for him anymore.
Now most often this is the time when a guy notices that something has gone wrong and the friendship is not the same anymore. He might try to resolve problems, he will want to talk things out and somehow get back the normal state of friendship but it no longer works. Once the woman is indifferent, he can move mountains for her, he can even die for her and she will not be moved. It's not that she does want to - she just can't bring herself to care. That's why the opposite of love is not hatred, its indifference.
Timing in a relationship is critical - let's imagine a plant that hasn't been watered for a while. The leaves lose their shine and start to droop. If the owner realizes this is time and waters it even after two weeks, the leaves will improve slowly and eventually the plant will be restored to its former glory. However if left without water for too long and the roots start to wither and die all hope is lost. Even if all the water in the world is poured into the pot - the plant cannot recover.
Its the same with relationships - once you lose that critical timing in a friendship you cannot salvage even the remains. What you're left with is two broken hearts and emotional trauma that will resurface whenever you deal with the opposite sex.
Girls - never give up hope and don't cut people out. Relationships are tricky things and once broken are not easy to restore. I'm sure if the men in your life knew how much you were hurting they would never put you through it - they never seek to hurt you intentionally. It's our tendency of thinking too much, of assigning negative intents to innocent actions, or keeping a record of wrongs that often deteriorate the relationship.
Guys - when a girl needs to talk, please respect her. Even if you think the issue is stupid, small and does not deserve attention, understand that women are emotional beings who are driven by emotions and constantly need confirmation and assurance of love and care. When they bring up an issue, they are dead serious and they truly believe that the whole relationship hinges on how you tackle it. And if they cut you out - go after them, never ignore them back.
After witnessing a lot of broken friendships and dealing with the same trauma myself I realize how beautiful friendships and relationships truly are. I also realized that friendship is truly a gift from God and I should treasure it. I realize that one small action, one wrong word can cause a misunderstanding that lasts a lifetime and creates bondages that take forever to break. And I pray for all broken friendships today that the God who restores may see fit to restore them, heal the indifferent hearts and break the bondages that keep them chained.
Proverbs 17:9, Love prospers when a fault is forgiven, but dwelling on it separates close friends.
I've had my share of broken relationships. And there are several types of relationships that could be broken but today I want to deal specifically with boy-girl relationships.
Boy - girl relationships are the most curious thing I've ever come across. I've seen close friendships that I'm sure would evolve into something romantic but remains platonic for a lifetime. I've also seen romance arise out of the most unexpected relationships, relationships that I had assigned to merely a close brother-sister type of friendship. The complex nature of boy-girl friendships make it difficult to toe the boundary line. Frequently we find the lines between friendship and romance blurring.
But relationships whether platonic or romantic can be broken. And the trauma that develops from it can last a lifetime. When it comes to a cross gender friendship though, majority of the times the brokenness arise from the different natures of men and women.
Lets face it. Men and women are fundamentally different. Women are deeply emotional and perceptive. Men, well not so much on the emotion. When something significantly wrong happens within the relationship, when an issue that could affect the state of the friendship occurs - the woman is mostly the first to notice it and bring it to attention. This is where a woman's perceptiveness comes into play. She starts noticing the smallest things, seemingly innocuous things and assigns a positive or a negative intent to it. She builds her case slowly, storing away events in the mind. And when she can no longer ignore the issue, she brings it up outright.
Now men, you guys are seriously awesome. And we can't live without you. But you guys are also remarkably dense. And when a girl is seriously discussing an issue with you, you tend not to take it very seriously. Sometimes you don't even give her an opportunity to vent things out.You're probably wondering - it's such a small thing, why is she bringing it up? It may annoy you, but sometimes you do the gentlemanly thing and pretend to listen. However that creates more problems than it solves because you can't rectify a problem if you don't know what the hell it is.
So while a girl is constantly trying to get confrontational and ringing relationship alarm bells, the guys tend to ignore it thinking it will pass eventually - its just a temporary phase of craziness. They don't pay attention to what the girl is saying and frequently forget that she just needs to talk things out seriously. Don't get me wrong, its not that men do not care - its because women and men are fundamentally wired differently from the beginning, men get in touch with their emotions much later than women while woman are more concerned with the here and now.
When a girl's bid for attention gets ignored often enough, she moves on to other tactics. She might start ignoring the guy. Ignoring a person is 90% of the time a bid for attention - just a way to ensure that the other party gets the point that this is serious and we need to talk before we resume the original state of friendship.
Sometimes this works and there are some guys who genuinely get concerned and clear out the issue. However other times they either ignore them back because of pride and ego or try to gloss over the issue and resume the original friendship without tackling the crux of the matter. And if this happens constantly women feel their worth diminishing slowly, they lose hope in the relationship and slowly start pulling away.
Now this phase is really critical in a friendship - when the girl starts pulling away and the guy does not react in time, the girl's affection can slowly turn into hatred. At this stage the friendship can still be salvaged because she is not devoid of emotion, however if allowed long enough hatred eventually empties out and she becomes indifferent. That is, it no longer matters to her if this guy is a part of her life or not. If he suddenly left her life today, she would not be affected. She simply does not care for him anymore.
Now most often this is the time when a guy notices that something has gone wrong and the friendship is not the same anymore. He might try to resolve problems, he will want to talk things out and somehow get back the normal state of friendship but it no longer works. Once the woman is indifferent, he can move mountains for her, he can even die for her and she will not be moved. It's not that she does want to - she just can't bring herself to care. That's why the opposite of love is not hatred, its indifference.
Timing in a relationship is critical - let's imagine a plant that hasn't been watered for a while. The leaves lose their shine and start to droop. If the owner realizes this is time and waters it even after two weeks, the leaves will improve slowly and eventually the plant will be restored to its former glory. However if left without water for too long and the roots start to wither and die all hope is lost. Even if all the water in the world is poured into the pot - the plant cannot recover.
Its the same with relationships - once you lose that critical timing in a friendship you cannot salvage even the remains. What you're left with is two broken hearts and emotional trauma that will resurface whenever you deal with the opposite sex.
Girls - never give up hope and don't cut people out. Relationships are tricky things and once broken are not easy to restore. I'm sure if the men in your life knew how much you were hurting they would never put you through it - they never seek to hurt you intentionally. It's our tendency of thinking too much, of assigning negative intents to innocent actions, or keeping a record of wrongs that often deteriorate the relationship.
Guys - when a girl needs to talk, please respect her. Even if you think the issue is stupid, small and does not deserve attention, understand that women are emotional beings who are driven by emotions and constantly need confirmation and assurance of love and care. When they bring up an issue, they are dead serious and they truly believe that the whole relationship hinges on how you tackle it. And if they cut you out - go after them, never ignore them back.
After witnessing a lot of broken friendships and dealing with the same trauma myself I realize how beautiful friendships and relationships truly are. I also realized that friendship is truly a gift from God and I should treasure it. I realize that one small action, one wrong word can cause a misunderstanding that lasts a lifetime and creates bondages that take forever to break. And I pray for all broken friendships today that the God who restores may see fit to restore them, heal the indifferent hearts and break the bondages that keep them chained.
Proverbs 17:9, Love prospers when a fault is forgiven, but dwelling on it separates close friends.
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