The Foolish Dream:

“To live without hope is to not make unrealistic demands on life. It is to live without myths, without consolation. “– Albert Camus

“Hope is the worst of all evil, for it prolongs the torment of men.” - Nietzche

Long back, when I was 17, I shared the same life view as these illustrious people. I accepted with great indifference my lot in life. Dreams and hope created illusions, desires that I would have to thirst after; it was a barrier to staying content. Happiness was acceptance of the futility of life as I knew it.

It is with this mindset that I entered the teens group, the ministry had just been founded and was trying to establish its roots. Little ministries slowly started popping up from within like the miscall ministry and the library ministry. Inevitably it became a need to start a music ministry since a lot of our prayer meetings involved joyful, action songs. A few of us recognized this and took up the responsibility.

Three of us ragtag musicians who were complete amateurs would meet up for practice every week in my house. Although I enjoyed practice I was left with a sense of dissatisfaction as I kept comparing our little, unprofessional music ministry with the classy, professional ministry the youth had and wondered when we would ever get to that level. I always had the niggling thought at the back of my head that we needed more members, more vocalists and instrumentalists for this to turn into a full, fledged ministry.

It was at this time that one of the more ambitious members of the ministry kept talking about his dream to start a band. Naturally I was amused. Since I love being pessimistic, I laughed at the fact that we don’t even have a proper music ministry forget a band. Our skills were far from excellent; in fact none of us had even had formal music training and had picked up the essentials of the instruments by ourselves. I laughed at the hope he harbored, the foolish dream.

Looking back I realize that this guy’s dreams were met with a lot of laughter, jokes and contempt. It was the kind of dream that little kids have when they are too young to know that the practical feasibility of their dream materializing was impossible. And I followed the crowd’s herd mentality. I shook my head believing this to be an impractical endeavor. There is nothing more poisonous than the foolish dream, I was convinced.

A few months later this guy had started recruiting some potential members for his band. This was a source of great bemusement for me, was he so blinded that he thought this could actually materialize? Was he deaf to the concerns of those around him? Did he not see how impossible it was for a teenager who only knew a few chords on the guitar to form a fully fledged band?

Regardless he carried this band along slowly and steadily in the face of obstacles. This was his ambition, his hope, his dream and he seemed immune to what others thought of it. To me it looked like a lone man’s struggle, he was swimming against the tide and sooner or later the tide would overwhelm him.

He started practicing in earnest with the few people he had approached. Their skills were not up to par but there was a semblance of a band that had now started emerging. Over the years old members were switched, new ones were recruited and the seemingly amateur band had racked up some crazy skills.

Their hard work slowly started paying off, their progress was exponential; they had graduated from the amateur band I knew. This was no longer a fleeting, teenage dream of an ambitious boy; it had become a reality.

Today this band is comprised of the most talented individuals I know. They have recorded several originals, they play live for retreats and programs all over the country and it’s an additional feather to their cap that all of them are so young, the majority just on the cusp of adulthood.

When I think of how this all started, the hope of a starry eyed teenage boy who decided to swim against the tide, I allow myself a small smile. What a funny way for God to teach His daughter, the power of hope.

“Listen to the mustn'ts, child. Listen to the don'ts. Listen to the shouldn'ts, the impossibles, the won'ts. Listen to the never haves, then listen close to me... Anything can happen, child. Anything can be.” –Shel Silverstein

God's Great Dance Floor:

Last night God made one of my secret wishes come true. I've always wanted to watch fireworks with my teens and while we were at the parish festival watching the grand finale suddenly fireworks started shooting from the church roof. It was a magical moment because I was watching fireworks light up the night sky surrounded by people I deeply love. At that moment I felt an overflow of love from my heart and the memory was seared into my brain. I wanted the moment to last forever.

Humans have a tendency to have a wide array of relationships. But even among those relationships some are special; we give more weight and importance to certain people. We form attachments, romantic bonds, familial bonds, fast friendships. We have layers and levels of friendships, some mere acquaintances and some best friends for life. We form cliques and groups, some more intense than the other. We always have a favorite among favorites.

While these are perfectly normal it’s also the reason while we feel alone so much. No one wants to be second best. We want to be the most special, the most important, and the most loved with everyone. And we probably have this desire because it’s built into us.

As I danced the night away with my teens I realized this is what heaven is like. No special bonds of family or love or friendship exist. Every person is equally special, equally loved, no one greater than the other. The random stranger on the street would be as important to me as a family member. Everyone is the most preferred, the most special, the most loved. Best friends for an eternity. No one is alone.

I got a glimpse of heaven last night. And this is how I imagine it to be. All of us together, rejoicing in an atmosphere so thick with love, grooving to the choirs of angels on God’s great dance floor.

The light at the end of the tunnel:

“Never allow your fear of rejection overcome your faith in love.”

I had recently read this statement somewhere and it affected me very strongly on a personal level. Let me explain.

Growing up I was always highly cynical, suspicious and generally distrustful of people. It seemed like everyone had an ulterior motive, relationships were a transaction and even the strongest friendships could dissolve at the drop of a hat. My silent observation of the many relationships I saw around me only sought to reaffirm my beliefs. I had slowly started building up walls around myself based purely on what I had seen rather than experienced.

After a while I started experiencing such relationships. With dwindling faith I moved from one friendship to another seeking someone, anyone who could prove me wrong. But I was disappointed time and again. With every friendship that dissolved at the slightest sign of trouble, I laid another brick on the wall. Finally by mid July last year the walls I had been constructing for years reached completion. I couldn't bring myself to care for anyone else and other people’s affection for me could no longer penetrate. I was numb.

I sat alone in the towering fortress that I had built. I felt triumphant that I had been right all along, yet perversely miserable at my condition. This was not a battle I had wanted to win.

Now I had a certain unicorn in my life. A wonderful friend who was always so positive, all flowers and rainbows and exuberant happiness all the time. From the beginning I mistrusted her and her overwhelming affection for me. I wasn't sure why but I couldn't bring myself to believe that she actually cared. This was all a pretense, a facade, I convinced myself. The truth is I couldn't accept the love which I felt I didn't deserve.

This friend of mine tried several times over and over again. With time, my mistrust only grew. I was seeking the ulterior motive behind her actions. Surely she’ll get tired of keeping up this act I believed. But almost a year passed and she was still at it, still telling me that she cared and that she loved me. I have no idea what divine strength she possessed to keep going. I was by no means an easy opponent.

I don’t know how and why but one day it suddenly struck me. Out of the thousand stray arrows that just whizzed by, one hit bull’s-eye. Somehow she had found a crack in the fortress and the walls came crumbling down.

Sincere love will always be recognized. There was no spectacular event or revelation that struck me. Just one day I was suddenly convinced that this was no pretense, no facade, this was the real deal.

I truly believe that it was God and only God who let this happen. That thanks to this one beautiful friendship I was no longer numb and could start trusting in people again. If her perseverance could get through to me then why wouldn't mine get through other people? I started to have faith in love once more.

Sometimes I wonder what would have happened if she ever allowed the fear of rejection to overcome her. If she had gotten sick of my indifference and given up. I would still be in that fortress, numb, unhappy and unable to love. And she would be a statistic. One of the many faces who had given up on me.

A lot of the unhappy people we see around us today are victims of circumstances. They've built up countless walls around them and maybe they turned out that way because there wasn't a single person around them to persistently try to be there, to tear down the walls of mistrust, who never gave up.

There is no such thing as an impenetrable wall. You see even the most pessimistic person wants to believe in love, they want to be proved wrong, they want to have hope.

You must allow your faith in love triumph over your fear of rejection. You must be the light at the end of the tunnel for someone trapped by the walls that they themselves built. You must keep fighting for and believing in the power of love. You must be for someone out there, hope.

And whenever you attempt to do the Master’s will, a power will be given to you to equal the duty.

P.S: This post is dedicated to the unicorn. I am always thankful for having you in my life. You are truly a blessing.