Death of a dream:

I never thought I would know happiness
I assumed that life had been good enough to me
I was satisfied materially
I had everything that I wanted physically
So it made sense that I had to go without something else
When people sat with friends and chatted late into the night with their lovers
I watched them with resignation knowing that it would not happen for me
Yet uselessly the hope stayed, longing to be fulfilled
And tiny dreams sprung from it only to be shattered instantly
Without giving me time to hope
But one day I started dreaming a beautiful dream
A dream I have never dreamt before
And in this dream everything I've ever wanted came true
And it kept going on and on
Till I thought I would never wake
And the hope I had been crushing valiantly for so long
Came bursting forth from within
The more beautiful the dream grew
The more afraid I was
Because a happy dream makes you unhappy when you wake
So now I stand before the cliff
Wavering on the edge
Reality waits for me below
And I stand here wondering when I will be woken up
It might be today
It might be years from now
But I know that whenever it may be
I will wake up in tears
Mourning the death of a dream

Memory:

Sometimes death is a monster ravaging and destroying everything in it's path.

Sometimes death is agony and torment, long, drawn out and painful.

Sometimes you can death looming in the distance, steadily approaching, the bravest man's nightmare.

And sometimes death is a quiet phone call in the middle of the night.

She was a small, thin girl. Small but certainly not shy. She had a loud voice that rang out clearly and a definite opinion on the matters of the world. She was calm and liked to take things as they came. We were frenzied and harried, we ran about at the speedy pace the world demanded from us. We were afraid of being left behind if we weren't fast enough. She was calm though, the eye in the midst of the storm that swept us off our feet while she remained in the center, serenely unaffected.

I was a rowdy teenager fresh after my first experience in a co - ed school. I bullied people mercilessly, was the bane of existence of all teachers, a repeat offender when it came to delaying homework submissions, the student who spent more time standing outside class than in. I preferred to call myself an outstanding student.

I had my little gang during the bus ride back home, my trio of friends who I spent time with. I noticed her but rarely spoke to her. She was small, with a stooping stature, her too thin frame made her an oddity. I seldom saw her with other people, she spent most of her time by herself. On the rare occasions that we spoke I was rude, tremendously rude and scarcely repentant about my attitude. When I couldn't be bothered to speak, I ignored her outright. It barely affected the way she treated me however. She greeted me the same as always, tentatively reaching out to me in friendship, wishing me Merry Christmas before winter vacation as if nothing ever happened.

Then things slowly started changing. From being the little kids who sat in the front of the bus we became the seniors. We were thrilled, lords of the coveted back seat, free to bully an terrorize the little ones as we pleased. There were five of us altogether, two girls from my year, her and another girl from Grade 7. The four of us sat together, squeezed into the same seat uncomfortably while she sat by herself in the backseat. She wasn't cool enough for the cool kids and so I decided that she wasn't cool enough for me either. I made no effort to include her in the conversation or speak to her as one of us. I had grown older but I had not grown up.

Still she was the same, always smiling, always cheerful, never resentful. I naively wondered if she was one of those people who never knew hatred, who found it impossible to take revenge, the kind of people to whom loving and forgiving came naturally without a second thought. Naive because I now know that loving and forgiving is difficult even for the best of us.

We graduated together and we spoke once on the phone afterwards. She had called me to tell me that she had got a pretty good percentage in her board exams. And I was truly happy for her, the pangs of conscience had started pricking me way too late and I was glad that good things were happening for her.

Over the years we had encounters, far and few in between, we stopped by to catch some moments here and there. Moments that I rarely gave any thought to other than the occasional pricking of my conscience for the way I had treated her in high school.

I met her a week ago while I was rushing home after mass. I gave her a quick casual hi and hurried away as usual. If I knew that it would be last time I would ever see her, I would have stopped a little longer, would have told her that she was a wonderful human being for never resenting me after all that I had done. I would have told her all the things that my ego never allowed me to tell her before, the things my brain tricked me into believing were issues so old that she would have forgotten them by now.

They say that time and tide wait for no man.

You made this sad, ugly world a little more beautiful to live in. And now that you've gone it's all the more drab and lonely for it.

I hope the wind is in your hair and the sand is at your feet. I hope you are running free as you always wanted to, in green pastures looking up at the endless sky that stretches up above you. I hope that you are lighting up heaven just like you lit up the darkness on earth.

And for now this wretched earthling bids you farewell.

Until we meet again.

The Year in Review: Changing Destiny with Hope

I can’t believe that 2015 flew by so fast and that it’s 2016 already. It’s crazy.

For me 2015 was an extremely funny year. It was a year in which I got struck again and again with blows from the most unexpected places especially from people who were close to me. And I guess if all this had happened in 2014 I would have defined it as the worst year of my life but interestingly 2015 has been the best year in all my 22 years.

Some of the positive things that had happened:

Loving can hurt - I started testing out my theory of loving inspite of getting hurt. Which meant that when I got hurt I tried my best not to dwell on it and consciously act how I would act towards someone I really loved. It worked wonders. True some people tend to take advantage of the perceived weakness but the people that truly love you will treasure you for it. Remembering that to love is to be vulnerable helped.

Happiness - I realized that happiness takes effort. I had to go out and do things to make myself happy even when I didn’t feel like it. I had to call up a friend or hang out somewhere peaceful or read a book or simply sit in prayer when such thoughts intruded. It’s the easiest thing to sit by yourself and whine and moan about your state of affairs which achieves nothing. Forcing myself into action, wearing that smile when I had no reason to smile all contributed towards erasing any self pity I was wallowing in.

Reading – I threw myself into reading with gusto this year and I read a record number of books including a bunch of books I have been desperately wanting to read for the longest time and I had the most magical time.

Dad’s recovery – This was one of the greatest miracles that happened last year. From the beginning to the end it was a series of miracles and through the whole affair I could see God’s hand moving beautifully instilling hope where there would otherwise have been despair.

My new job – I absolutely love my new job and I have been blessed with amazing and caring colleagues who make work something to look forward to than something to dread.

Amazing friends – It was the presence of these friends that made it possible for me to carry forward this year, they were constantly pulling me out of my misery and I am so glad I could spend so much quality time with them this year. Like Winnie the pooh says how fortunate I am to have something that would make saying goodbye so painful.

Midnight mass!!! It was one of things on my bucket list for the longest time and I finally got to take that coveted football field picture with all my friends! It was one of the best nights ever!

Summer camp – This was a funny one but I wanted to prove to myself that I am capable of handling a bunch of kids since the last time was such a miserable failure and I am happy to report that it was a resounding success! My group came second overall and I was over the moon.

Rediscovering childhood – There was something freeing about not being concerned about how people perceive you and this year especially I decided not to let such things affect me. I felt like I was rediscovering my childhood and it was plain awesome.

God – And how can I end this post without talking about my wonderful God? He’s been too amazing to me this year and I am so so thankful for everything I have been blessed with.

I think what made this year so different was the presence of hope. Every day had it’s ups and downs and some days had more downs than ups but realizing that it was just a bad day not a bad life made all the difference. Not dwelling on unpleasant things, constantly pushing myself into the pursuit of happiness and the presence of wonderful friends who journeyed with me made each day full of hope, each day something to look forward to. My cup overfloweth.

Wishing you all a happy and blessed 2016!

                                                                  Midnight Mass Club!