God's Great Dance Floor:

Last night God made one of my secret wishes come true. I've always wanted to watch fireworks with my teens and while we were at the parish festival watching the grand finale suddenly fireworks started shooting from the church roof. It was a magical moment because I was watching fireworks light up the night sky surrounded by people I deeply love. At that moment I felt an overflow of love from my heart and the memory was seared into my brain. I wanted the moment to last forever.

Humans have a tendency to have a wide array of relationships. But even among those relationships some are special; we give more weight and importance to certain people. We form attachments, romantic bonds, familial bonds, fast friendships. We have layers and levels of friendships, some mere acquaintances and some best friends for life. We form cliques and groups, some more intense than the other. We always have a favorite among favorites.

While these are perfectly normal it’s also the reason while we feel alone so much. No one wants to be second best. We want to be the most special, the most important, and the most loved with everyone. And we probably have this desire because it’s built into us.

As I danced the night away with my teens I realized this is what heaven is like. No special bonds of family or love or friendship exist. Every person is equally special, equally loved, no one greater than the other. The random stranger on the street would be as important to me as a family member. Everyone is the most preferred, the most special, the most loved. Best friends for an eternity. No one is alone.

I got a glimpse of heaven last night. And this is how I imagine it to be. All of us together, rejoicing in an atmosphere so thick with love, grooving to the choirs of angels on God’s great dance floor.

The light at the end of the tunnel:

“Never allow your fear of rejection overcome your faith in love.”

I had recently read this statement somewhere and it affected me very strongly on a personal level. Let me explain.

Growing up I was always highly cynical, suspicious and generally distrustful of people. It seemed like everyone had an ulterior motive, relationships were a transaction and even the strongest friendships could dissolve at the drop of a hat. My silent observation of the many relationships I saw around me only sought to reaffirm my beliefs. I had slowly started building up walls around myself based purely on what I had seen rather than experienced.

After a while I started experiencing such relationships. With dwindling faith I moved from one friendship to another seeking someone, anyone who could prove me wrong. But I was disappointed time and again. With every friendship that dissolved at the slightest sign of trouble, I laid another brick on the wall. Finally by mid July last year the walls I had been constructing for years reached completion. I couldn't bring myself to care for anyone else and other people’s affection for me could no longer penetrate. I was numb.

I sat alone in the towering fortress that I had built. I felt triumphant that I had been right all along, yet perversely miserable at my condition. This was not a battle I had wanted to win.

Now I had a certain unicorn in my life. A wonderful friend who was always so positive, all flowers and rainbows and exuberant happiness all the time. From the beginning I mistrusted her and her overwhelming affection for me. I wasn't sure why but I couldn't bring myself to believe that she actually cared. This was all a pretense, a facade, I convinced myself. The truth is I couldn't accept the love which I felt I didn't deserve.

This friend of mine tried several times over and over again. With time, my mistrust only grew. I was seeking the ulterior motive behind her actions. Surely she’ll get tired of keeping up this act I believed. But almost a year passed and she was still at it, still telling me that she cared and that she loved me. I have no idea what divine strength she possessed to keep going. I was by no means an easy opponent.

I don’t know how and why but one day it suddenly struck me. Out of the thousand stray arrows that just whizzed by, one hit bull’s-eye. Somehow she had found a crack in the fortress and the walls came crumbling down.

Sincere love will always be recognized. There was no spectacular event or revelation that struck me. Just one day I was suddenly convinced that this was no pretense, no facade, this was the real deal.

I truly believe that it was God and only God who let this happen. That thanks to this one beautiful friendship I was no longer numb and could start trusting in people again. If her perseverance could get through to me then why wouldn't mine get through other people? I started to have faith in love once more.

Sometimes I wonder what would have happened if she ever allowed the fear of rejection to overcome her. If she had gotten sick of my indifference and given up. I would still be in that fortress, numb, unhappy and unable to love. And she would be a statistic. One of the many faces who had given up on me.

A lot of the unhappy people we see around us today are victims of circumstances. They've built up countless walls around them and maybe they turned out that way because there wasn't a single person around them to persistently try to be there, to tear down the walls of mistrust, who never gave up.

There is no such thing as an impenetrable wall. You see even the most pessimistic person wants to believe in love, they want to be proved wrong, they want to have hope.

You must allow your faith in love triumph over your fear of rejection. You must be the light at the end of the tunnel for someone trapped by the walls that they themselves built. You must keep fighting for and believing in the power of love. You must be for someone out there, hope.

And whenever you attempt to do the Master’s will, a power will be given to you to equal the duty.

P.S: This post is dedicated to the unicorn. I am always thankful for having you in my life. You are truly a blessing.

The Useless Apology:

“I’m sorry.”

She repeated the apology with sincerity etched on her face. Wordlessly she picked up her bag and turned to leave. The guilt that had been plaguing her for a while disappeared. We’re all good now, she thought as she walked. She felt light, and happy. The apology had set her free. She could move on now.

His eyes followed her as she walked off happily. As she disappeared around the corner, a shadow fell across his face.

How many years of pain inflicted and wounds created. How many days of hurt given. And in a moment’s notice, a simple apology from her end and she was free. She was fine. She could move on and live her life.

What about the person left behind?

What about the person who’s trust was shattered? What about the person struggling to forgive? What about the person who has to deal with the toxic memories that resurfaces every once in a while?

Is this the end? Is this justice?

He snorted with grim amusement.

How simple to utter a word of apology and turn your back on what you have wrecked for so long.

How useless the apology that was not uttered at the appropriate time but years after the offence was committed.

How naive the mind that thinks everything is over with the sorry. How naive to believe that you are at peace with yourself without resolving to make amends, without mending the heart that you broke, without putting effort into making whole once more the person who is now afraid to trust.

Was the apology to cure your own guilty conscience or was it sincere understanding of what you did wrong? And does it end with understanding? Do you have no responsibility to attempt to restore what you took away?

It doesn't end with an apology. It never will.