The Science behind Heartbreak:

I've had my share of broken relationships. And there are several types of relationships that could be broken but today I want to deal specifically with boy-girl relationships.

Boy - girl relationships are the most curious thing I've ever come across. I've seen close friendships that I'm sure would evolve into something romantic but remains platonic for a lifetime. I've also seen romance arise out of the most unexpected relationships, relationships that I had assigned to merely a close brother-sister type of friendship. The complex nature of boy-girl friendships make it difficult to toe the boundary line. Frequently we find the lines between friendship and romance blurring.

But relationships whether platonic or romantic can be broken. And the trauma that develops from it can last a lifetime. When it comes to a cross gender friendship though, majority of the times the brokenness arise from the different natures of men and women.

Lets face it. Men and women are fundamentally different. Women are deeply emotional and perceptive. Men, well not so much on the emotion. When something significantly wrong happens within the relationship, when an issue that could affect the state of the friendship occurs - the woman is mostly the first to notice it and bring it to attention. This is where a woman's perceptiveness comes into play. She starts noticing the smallest things, seemingly innocuous things and assigns a positive or a negative intent to it. She builds her case slowly, storing away events in the mind. And when she can no longer ignore the issue, she brings it up outright.

Now men, you guys are seriously awesome. And we can't live without you. But you guys are also remarkably dense. And when a girl is seriously discussing an issue with you, you tend not to take it very seriously. Sometimes you don't even give her an opportunity to vent things out.You're probably wondering - it's such a small thing, why is she bringing it up? It may annoy you, but sometimes you do the gentlemanly thing and pretend to listen. However that creates more problems than it solves because you can't rectify a problem if you don't know what the hell it is.

So while a girl is constantly trying to get confrontational and ringing relationship alarm bells, the guys tend to ignore it thinking it will pass eventually - its just a temporary phase of craziness. They don't pay attention to what the girl is saying and frequently forget that she just needs to talk things out seriously. Don't get me wrong, its not that men do not care - its because women and men are fundamentally wired differently from the beginning, men get in touch with their emotions much later than women while woman are more concerned with the here and now.

When a girl's bid for attention gets ignored often enough, she moves on to other tactics. She might start ignoring the guy. Ignoring a person is 90% of the time a bid for attention - just a way to ensure that the other party gets the point that this is serious and we need to talk before we resume the original state of friendship.
Sometimes this works and there are some guys who genuinely get concerned and clear out the issue. However other times they either ignore them back because of pride and ego or try to gloss over the issue and resume the original friendship without tackling the crux of the matter. And if this happens constantly women feel their worth diminishing slowly, they lose hope in the relationship and slowly start pulling away.

Now this phase is really critical in a friendship - when the girl starts pulling away and the guy does not react in time, the girl's affection can slowly turn into hatred. At this stage the friendship can still be salvaged because she is not devoid of emotion, however if allowed long enough hatred eventually empties out and she becomes indifferent. That is, it no longer matters to her if this guy is a part of her life or not. If he suddenly left her life today, she would not be affected. She simply does not care for him anymore.

Now most often this is the time when a guy notices that something has gone wrong and  the friendship is not the same anymore. He might try to resolve problems, he will want to talk things out and somehow get back the normal state of friendship but it no longer works. Once the woman is indifferent, he can move mountains for her,  he can even die for her and she will not be moved. It's not that she does want to - she just can't bring herself to care. That's why the opposite of love is not hatred, its indifference.

Timing in a relationship is critical - let's imagine a plant that hasn't been watered for a while. The leaves lose their shine and start to droop. If the owner realizes this is time and waters it even after two weeks, the leaves will improve slowly and eventually the plant will be restored to its former glory. However if left without water for too long and the roots start to wither and die all hope is lost. Even if all the water in the world is poured into the pot - the plant cannot recover.

Its the same with relationships - once you lose that critical timing in a friendship you cannot salvage even the remains. What you're left with is two broken hearts and emotional trauma that will resurface whenever you deal with the opposite sex.

Girls - never give up hope and don't cut people out. Relationships are tricky things and once broken are not easy to restore. I'm sure if the men in your life knew how much you were hurting they would never put you through it - they never seek to hurt you intentionally. It's our tendency of thinking too much, of assigning negative intents to innocent actions, or keeping a record of wrongs that often deteriorate the relationship.

Guys - when a girl needs to talk, please respect her. Even if you think the issue is stupid, small and does not deserve attention, understand that women are emotional beings who are driven by emotions and constantly need confirmation and assurance of love and care. When they bring up an issue, they are dead serious and they truly believe that the whole relationship hinges on how you tackle it. And if they cut you out - go after them, never ignore them back.

After witnessing a lot of broken friendships and dealing with the same trauma myself I realize how beautiful friendships and relationships truly are. I also realized that friendship is truly a gift from God and I should treasure it. I realize that one small action, one wrong word can cause a misunderstanding that lasts a lifetime and creates bondages that take forever to break. And I pray for all broken friendships today that the God who restores may see fit to restore them, heal the indifferent hearts and break the bondages that keep them chained.

Proverbs 17:9,  Love prospers when a fault is forgiven, but dwelling on it separates close friends.