The Year in Review: A mixed bag

So finally its that time of the year.

I remember when I was ten years old, I watched my aunt sit at home on the 31st of December, looking at the walls of her house and recounting the many blessings she had during the year. What struck me the most was the serene expression with which she sat, contented with the year's events, quietly accepting every good and bad moment.

This left a profound impact on me and ever since I have followed in her footsteps.

2014 was an unusual year. It oscillated from rock bottom to euphoria so quickly that it gave me whiplash. Even though the year was not filled with many good moments there are quite some significant learnings that I had throughout.

I learnt that most relationships were a season and didn't last forever. It gave me a lot of inner peace to finally let go of certain relationships that were causing instability and that I was holding unto stubbornly. There are of course some people in my life whom I wish would last for more than a season and I pray that God honors this desire of my heart.

I realized who my true friends are. They say that friendship's truest test is adversity and some beautiful people really came through. In fact the biggest blessing that I had this year were these few people who went all out, patiently teaching me, correcting me, praying for me and helping me smile again.

I got the courage to make few major decisions, especially career decisions. Even though there is a bit of uncertainty, quitting my old job was the best thing I've ever done.

Lots of amazing times spent with the teens who are so vibrant and joyful that its infectious. I rediscovered the joy of ministry and the several retreats and moments we spent with each other throughout the year are truly memorable.

I decided to be in charge of my own happiness, decisively spending time with positive people. We did many things together, watching movies, sleepovers, random moments spent in the holy mobile. In addition I took many pictures and videos of these special moments to remind me later. I also cut down on the over-thinking and negativity a lot. Finally Growth!

I decided to allow my faith in love overcome my fear of rejection and I must say its paying off. I also learnt to embrace myself as I am, in my uniqueness and am at every moment truly trying to be wonderfully me. Being comfortable in my own skin is the best thing ever.

I had always had a huge anti-male streak in me. The men in my life were not exactly shining examples of humanity either so that didn't help much. However I believe God corrected those paradigms by introducing some wonderful boys in my life who are such gems of human beings that my prejudices about men no longer exist.

I learnt in the harshest way possible about the dangers of judging others. Suffice to say I will try my best to be open minded at all times.

I started writing once more after the longest hiatus in history. Blogging is something I really enjoy and a wonderful platform to express my chaotic thought process.

I truly treasure the times spent with Amu, Varsha, Achu, Aby and Joshua throughout the year. Every moment was beautiful and contributed towards healing my brokenness.

All in all I would say in spite of all the bad things that happened, this year was a beautiful year. It was a year that brought hope back into my life and I am looking forward to the new year with a lot of peace flooding from within.

Most of all thank you Jesus for constantly loving and being there for me.

Wish you all a Happy and Prosperous New Year!

The Useless Apology:

“I’m sorry.”

She repeated the apology with sincerity etched on her face. Wordlessly she picked up her bag and turned to leave. The guilt that had been plaguing her for a while disappeared. We’re all good now, she thought as she walked. She felt light, and happy. The apology had set her free. She could move on now.

His eyes followed her as she walked off happily. As she disappeared around the corner, a shadow fell across his face.

How many years of pain inflicted and wounds created. How many days of hurt given. And in a moment’s notice, a simple apology from her end and she was free. She was fine. She could move on and live her life.

What about the person left behind?

What about the person who’s trust was shattered? What about the person struggling to forgive? What about the person who has to deal with the toxic memories that resurfaces every once in a while?

Is this the end? Is this justice?

He snorted with grim amusement.

How simple to utter a word of apology and turn your back on what you have wrecked for so long.

How useless the apology that was not uttered at the appropriate time but years after the offence was committed.

How naive the mind that thinks everything is over with the sorry. How naive to believe that you are at peace with yourself without resolving to make amends, without mending the heart that you broke, without putting effort into making whole once more the person who is now afraid to trust.

Was the apology to cure your own guilty conscience or was it sincere understanding of what you did wrong? And does it end with understanding? Do you have no responsibility to attempt to restore what you took away?

It doesn't end with an apology. It never will.

They never came home:

Last night after I got home I set about reading the numerous articles about the school attack in Peshawar. A group of terrorists entered the school during class hours and started shooting in every class. They walked into classrooms asking kids which of their parents worked in the army. The naive kids raised their hands. They were immediately shot at point blank range.

Some kids tried to run and hide. Some splattered with the blood of their friends lay down on the floor pretending to be dead. So many little lives taken. My heart goes out to the little ones who were murdered. My heart breaks further for the survivors who were forced to witness such trauma at a young age. Forced to see friends and teachers getting murdered before their eyes, forced to face the mind-numbing fear of being the next target, forced to crawl down in terror in the place where they should feel the safest. At school.

The militants killed more than 140 people that day. The survivors will never be the same.

Apparently before releasing their guns into the vicinity the terrorists screamed "God is great!".

Pope Francis rightly said "Some of the best people in the world had no religion, some of the worst acts were committed in His name."

Although the majority sympathizes deeply with the nation, we can see subtle indications of a blame game taking shape. Under the guise of empathizing some remark that the nation is facing the karmic implications of the terror it inflicted on others. What goes around comes around they say. Some say that they should have been careful when they played with fire because it could burn down your own house some day. We see the self righteous people eager to blame the religion for this incident.

Strip down the ethnicity, religion, country, everything else to a core level and it comes down to this. Humans killing humans.

The terrorists had a motive. Their motive was revenge for their own families being targeted. Eye for an eye they say.

Funny it seems to me because they were only targeted as they had targeted others first. If you stuck by the eye for an eye principle the whole world would be blind.

When you kill all reasons, explanations, justifications and motives disappear. You stop being a victim. You just become a murderer.

It occurs to me how dangerous the ideology of self righteousness can be. How dangerous when you firmly believe that what you do is right and cannot be open to the possibility that you are wrong. How dangerous to assume that whatever you are doing is for the greater good. At what point can you draw the line between the greater good and the depraved actions of a mad man?

How poisonous religious texts can become when you take it upon yourself to interpret them. How an all loving, merciful God can become the justification for those who murder, torment and rape.

Where is the love?

People killing, people dying
Children hurt and you hear them crying
Can you practice what you preach?
Or would you turn the other cheek?

Father, Father, Father help us
Send some guidance from above
Because people got me, got me questioning
Where is the love?

Miracles in December:

It's that time of the year when a mysterious happiness takes hold of everyone. The time in which no matter how bad things seem, no matter how dire the circumstances its difficult to stay in despair. The air tingles with magic and a mystical hope seizes the heart.

The whole universe seems to be in harmony, rejoicing for some reason unknown. And the joy is infectious. Unknowingly as I sit under the lit up bridge, staring at the water, I smile.

The winter air is chilly. I shiver and draw my body closer to myself. I see couples walking hand in hand, warmed by the presence of each other. My heart twinges with longing for companionship. I brush that aside and focus on the magical atmosphere. The stars are winking at me again.

My thoughts turn to some amazing women I have met in my life. Holy women, women of God with so much faith and trust in Him that I can't help but marvel. Their greatest desire was to get married and they were always hopeful about the future. No matter how many years had passed without any signs, they held on with fervent faith that their desires would materialize.

Sometimes when it got hard to trust in the Lord they gave in to sadness of the soul. But right away they would pick themselves up and console each other. They would try their best to be satisfied in Him and trust in His time.

I wonder at times looking at them. Every now and then hopelessness engulfs me. I look up to heaven and wonder what God is doing, I wonder why He tests them this way.

Doubting Thomas has competition. I could easily give him a run for his money.

I sigh heavily. A verse pops into my my mind. Delight in the Lord and He will honor the desires of your heart. For it is He who gave you those desires.

Well, I think sarcastically, how nice of you to give them such desires and make them wait for so long.

Jesus is smiling annoyingly in that serene way. As if everything is going to be alright.

My longing betrays me. It shows that I need something much more than Him to be satisfied. I have yet to reach perfect love. After all perfect love would drive out all fear.

"I gave you those desires because I will fulfill them" He promises "I will not disappoint".

I trust you. I have to trust in you otherwise all hope is lost.

Like a little child making a wish I close my eyes and make a wish. Amaze me Lord, I say, amaze me beyond my expectations. Give those girls the guys they have been prayerfully waiting for so long. Let this be my Christmas miracle.

After all this was the month of the first miracle. When Love came down to rescue me.

So I wait patiently. For miracles in December.

Saudade:

Strangers
Acquaintances
Friends
Best Friends
Strangers

It's funny how these five little words can break my heart that way. There's nothing more painful than looking at a person remembering how much you have shared together and how close you were in the past and knowing that it will never return.

No word exists in English to describe this feeling but the Portuguese came up with a word. Saudade. It refers to a deep emotional state of nostalgia or profound melancholic longing for an absent someone or something that one loves. The feeling is accompanied by the repressed knowledge of knowing that the object of longing will never return.

That's how I feel right now. Saudade.

I reach with trepidation into my past. I flip through old pictures, messages and mails. Could it be that we were once so close, I marvel. It feels like ages ago, a lifetime away.

Not everyone is meant to stay in your life, I've been told. Some come in for a reason, a season, to accomplish something, maybe teach you a lesson or just simply be there when no one else was around. And once they fulfill that purpose, they leave just as suddenly as they entered.

"How do I know?" I think to myself. "How do I know if this person was meant to stay or leave?"

When the wrong person leaves your life, the right things start happening.

The right things are happening now, I realize grimly. So he was meant to leave. I've discovered new things, old things and good things about myself. I discovered that I am funny and playful. Discovered that I am quite capable of love. Found out that I'm not angry and unpleasant all the time but on the contrary quite fun to be with.

I see him talking and laughing with people. Foolishly I think of running towards him and whacking him on the shoulder playfully like I used to. I want to share the things that have been happening to me without a care in the world. I want to laugh and pull his leg like before. I want to pretend like none of this ever happened.

I restrain myself. Our eyes meet. I walk towards him with slow, paced steps. We make polite, insignificant conversation.

"How have you been?" he asks.

"Fine" I say. "No, I'm not fine." I think.

"I'm good." he says.

I fiddle with my hands. He shuffles his feet awkwardly.

"How's work? he enquires.

"Good" I reply. "How's college?"

"Not bad."

Silence.

I've run out of things to talk about, I realize. We smile awkwardly at each other. I'm torn between wanting to linger and getting away from there as far as possible.

His eyes speak volumes. I want to ask so much. What's been happening in your life all this time? I've missed you, I want to say. I wonder if he feels the same.

The look in his eyes. Something was different. He had changed. Sadder, more mature.

Well, I had changed too.

We part awkwardly. I walk slowly towards my car, my heart heavy. My throat itches painfully. Despite the sadness that envelopes me like fog; I'm glad. Glad that I feel pain at all. Glad that I have a healthy, good, strong heart that is full of love. One who didn't love cannot possibly feel this way.

Glad to be human. I know I am beautiful in my brokenness. I silently give thanks to God for filling me with love.

A drop rolls down my cheek and hits the pavement. How strange, I think as I touch my wet face.

It must be raining.

Veritas:

“You look so pretty today.”        

Outwardly she smiled. The smile didn't reach her eyes. Inwardly she discarded the compliment. It was difficult to judge if it was genuine praise or empty flattery. Too much trouble. Easier to not take it into account at all.

She was wary of compliments.

All throughout the day flattery came in from every direction.

“You are so smart.”

“You speak so well.”

“I love reading your blog.”

She smiled gracefully at all of them while mentally casting off the comments. Once in a while she could make out when a genuine compliment was being paid and she accepted it warmly. The moment of honest appreciation.

The others were as insignificant as chirping crickets.

White lies were harmless she had been told. A simple lie to make someone else feel better. To tell someone what they want to hear. I win some, you win some and we’re all happy right?

Wrong.

Compliments and appreciation were now meaningless. How would she know if someone meant what they said or if it was just a bid to make her feel better? White lies had slowly made its way into every social conversation making it impossible to distinguish the truth. Pleasantries to make oneself likable. Praise poured out from their lips while their hearts harbored envy and resentment.

When someone appreciated her now she was instantly suspicious about their intentions.

After all she had told white lies before to make others feel better. She had piled on the empty flattery. She had buttered people up to put them in their comfort zone and boosted their ego when she needed to get some things done. And people had believed her.

She had done it so many times. Why wouldn't others?

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Veritas is Latin for truth. Something that you rarely see nowadays. Truth is elusive indeed.

In a movie that I had watched recently a character mentions that he speaks the truth only 90% of the time. Telling the truth all the time was neither the smartest not the safest approach. Apparently sometimes people want to be lied to.

I dispute the veracity of that claim. After all doubting is in my blood. I find it hard to accept things I haven’t tried out for myself.

Fake personas have always bothered me. Pretending to like others when they actually can’t stand them. False words and emotions in social situations. Little white lies inserted here and there to impress and increase one’s own worth. False humility.

And the worst of all feigned goodness and holiness.

I yearn to see transparency in the people around me.

If you don’t like a person don’t make them feel like they are one among your favorite people. If you are upset don’t pretend like your life is a bed of roses. If you aren't particularly impressed with someone don’t spit out empty praise. If you’re frustrated or dissatisfied, voice it out instead of internalizing it. If you’re not very holy, don’t pretend to be.

If you can’t trust someone, tell them that you can’t.

Let your flaws be out there for everyone to see. Let people see you for who you really are and love you for it. Let people know the flaws in your character so that they can correct you and you can become a better person.

Because no matter how good you are at lying it won’t last. Eventually every pretense will fall apart and every lie will be revealed.

Every liar fears being lied to. Every liar cannot trust others and is suspicious of those around them. Because they have done it themselves. We hate certain things in others because we see the same things in ourselves.

A truthful person has nothing to fear. They don’t have to keep track of all the lies that they told, all the facades they held up, all the simmering resentment that could come bursting out anytime for the whole world to see.

Truth is harsh by nature. But you need not be brutally honest. You could always speak the truth with love while genuinely wishing the good of the other from your heart.

It won’t make you very popular but people will respect you for it. Most of all you can be assured that your character will help you find genuine, honest friends who will tell you what they feel about you. And I’ll take brutal truth over sweet lies any day.

I can honestly say that I haven’t been a genuine person all the time. I've done my share of dishonesty.

But I’m sick of lying. And I’m sick of the synthetic emotions, words, and expressions I see around me. Tired of the deceit concealed by wide smiles and the judgments concealed by silence.

I can’t change others but I can change myself. I must become the change that I want to see.

Imagine a world in which no one told lies. How honest and beautiful would be our interactions, how genuine our friendships, how much we would grow when our flaws were pointed out to us, how much more we could love and trust people around us.

Every advent I try something special. This advent I’m going to strive to be truthful. Not 90% of the time but 100% of the time. I want to challenge myself. After all we are called to be truthful.

I want to see if by changing myself I can see a change around me.

I’m up for the truth challenge. Are you?

The Loophole:

Every writer who writes fiction knows this. Whenever the writer creates a fictional universe they create some rules which the characters in the universe have to abide by. The author has full freedom to create the rules, no matter how crazy they are to set the premise. However once the rules are created, the scene is set and the characters start living by those rules, they cannot be meddled with or changed or dispelled.

In this fictional universe the author is the creator and master. Omnipotent in his kingdom, the author can do anything he wishes except for one thing. He himself must abide by the rules he created, he cannot break them. Since he stands for order in this kingdom, if he easily dispels the rules no one else will be prompted to follow and the whole kingdom will descend into chaos.

Thus said whenever rules are created in a universe care must be taken to avoid the rules from being too lengthy, descriptive and elaborate. The rules must allow a certain degree of freedom and flexibility and cannot be rigid. It cannot close every loophole because then the creator of this universe himself will become a prisoner to the rules. To retain mastery and omnipotence over his universe, the creator should have loopholes to change, append or modify and intervene wherever necessary.

When God created the universe along with the universe came a rule. All of the earth had to abide by a single rule, an unmovable, unshakable command. The price of sin is death.

Then Adam and Eve came forth and started living in this world governed by this single principle. However they were not mindless puppets of the Creator. They were liberal individuals with the full ability to exercise free will. Free will -  the ability to choose good or evil.

Immortal beings in paradise having every little thing they could ever ask for. However they would not have free will if they had no opportunity to do wrong. A good child is not a good child if he is in an environment where he can simply do no wrong. True goodness comes when both good and bad circumstances are present and the child chooses to abstain from wrongdoing despite having the opportunity to do so.

In the Garden of Eden temptation presented itself in the form of the the tree of knowledge and the deceitful snake. Adam and Eve had the ability to choose good or evil. And they made their choice. They disobeyed.

And the price of sin was death.

The rules that God the Father set when he created the universe had been broken. God who stood for order in this world could not break the rules that He Himself had set. If Order Himself dispelled the rules, the world would be thrown into chaos. If He broke the rules who else would abide by it? By nature everything that came from His lips were eternal, ever enduring like Himself and His Word came to fruition.

Adam and Eve were no longer immortal. Now they were destined to die a dreary human death. And their fruit, their children, all of mankind were destined to the same fate. Tainted by the same sin all were condemned to die.

God however with His unceasing mercy immediately focused all of Creation towards a plan for our salvation. Yes, He could not break the rule that He Himself had set but there was a loophole.

He loved His Creation so much He could not abandon us to our fate.

The price of sin had to be paid. But the rules didn't say by whom it had to be paid. Mankind was condemned to death and could not save themselves. But someone else could.

Father, Spirit, Son. Three distinct but in essence one.

An immortal being. One who could not die but would willingly pay the price. Whose death would be our salvation.

The loophole in the Divine Rule. Jesus.

And He came down from heaven. Fully human and fully divine. Mortal yet immortal. And he paid the price for all our sin. He came to save us who could not save ourselves.

Death could not kill Him who was immortal. Hell could not hold Him who was Divine. All had to bow in front of the power of God.

And we were free once more.

Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound
That saved a wretch like me
I once was lost, but now am found
Was blind but now I see

And Grace will lead me home.