The Year in Review: Changing Destiny with Hope

I can’t believe that 2015 flew by so fast and that it’s 2016 already. It’s crazy.

For me 2015 was an extremely funny year. It was a year in which I got struck again and again with blows from the most unexpected places especially from people who were close to me. And I guess if all this had happened in 2014 I would have defined it as the worst year of my life but interestingly 2015 has been the best year in all my 22 years.

Some of the positive things that had happened:

Loving can hurt - I started testing out my theory of loving inspite of getting hurt. Which meant that when I got hurt I tried my best not to dwell on it and consciously act how I would act towards someone I really loved. It worked wonders. True some people tend to take advantage of the perceived weakness but the people that truly love you will treasure you for it. Remembering that to love is to be vulnerable helped.

Happiness - I realized that happiness takes effort. I had to go out and do things to make myself happy even when I didn’t feel like it. I had to call up a friend or hang out somewhere peaceful or read a book or simply sit in prayer when such thoughts intruded. It’s the easiest thing to sit by yourself and whine and moan about your state of affairs which achieves nothing. Forcing myself into action, wearing that smile when I had no reason to smile all contributed towards erasing any self pity I was wallowing in.

Reading – I threw myself into reading with gusto this year and I read a record number of books including a bunch of books I have been desperately wanting to read for the longest time and I had the most magical time.

Dad’s recovery – This was one of the greatest miracles that happened last year. From the beginning to the end it was a series of miracles and through the whole affair I could see God’s hand moving beautifully instilling hope where there would otherwise have been despair.

My new job – I absolutely love my new job and I have been blessed with amazing and caring colleagues who make work something to look forward to than something to dread.

Amazing friends – It was the presence of these friends that made it possible for me to carry forward this year, they were constantly pulling me out of my misery and I am so glad I could spend so much quality time with them this year. Like Winnie the pooh says how fortunate I am to have something that would make saying goodbye so painful.

Midnight mass!!! It was one of things on my bucket list for the longest time and I finally got to take that coveted football field picture with all my friends! It was one of the best nights ever!

Summer camp – This was a funny one but I wanted to prove to myself that I am capable of handling a bunch of kids since the last time was such a miserable failure and I am happy to report that it was a resounding success! My group came second overall and I was over the moon.

Rediscovering childhood – There was something freeing about not being concerned about how people perceive you and this year especially I decided not to let such things affect me. I felt like I was rediscovering my childhood and it was plain awesome.

God – And how can I end this post without talking about my wonderful God? He’s been too amazing to me this year and I am so so thankful for everything I have been blessed with.

I think what made this year so different was the presence of hope. Every day had it’s ups and downs and some days had more downs than ups but realizing that it was just a bad day not a bad life made all the difference. Not dwelling on unpleasant things, constantly pushing myself into the pursuit of happiness and the presence of wonderful friends who journeyed with me made each day full of hope, each day something to look forward to. My cup overfloweth.

Wishing you all a happy and blessed 2016!

                                                                  Midnight Mass Club!

Ringing out:

I glance at my phone sitting on the coffee table.

The phone that used to ring often because of you. 

Now it remains stubbornly silent. I pick it up and look up your name in the contact list. My finger hovers hesitantly above the call button. Should I press call?

There is a story about a scorpion and frog that were once fleeing the forest. The scorpion begged the frog to carry it across the river since he couldn’t swim but the frog was reluctant.

“What if you sting me?” asked the frog “We would both die.”

“I would never” protested the scorpion “Why, you are saving my life.”

Despite the doubts plaguing his mind the frog agrees to take the scorpion. But when they were halfway across the river the frog felt a sharp sting on his back.

“What have you done?” croaked the frog as they started drowning.

“I can’t help it” said the scorpion “It’s my nature.”

 And they both sank into the river.

I shut my phone and put it back on the table. I don’t want to be the frog in the tale. Don’t want to get stung again because hurting me is in your nature. You don’t want to do it. But it happens anyways.

In the endless battle between love and fear, fear wins once more.

Once upon a Time:

Have you ever had the realization that you are not as good a person as you thought yourself to be?

People go through life following their inclinations, guided by their sense of morality, what they believe to be right. It is very rare for one to go gravely against their own conscience. Even an evil person believes at every moment that they take the best possible course of action available to them at the current time.

However when you sit down later for reflection and introspection you may realize that you’ve messed up. You made the wrong decisions, you said the wrong things, you let go of someone you should never have let go of. You went through life thinking that you were Cinderella and then realized that you were the evil stepmother. The villain in the fairytale.

And then you break down.

The knowledge that you were not as good as you thought yourself to be can wreck you. After all you can fight fearlessly against the whole world as long as you believe that you are right, you believe in yourself. The loss of that belief is a tragic thing. What do you do when hope is lost and all seems bleak?

There is a way to be good again.

No matter how far you have strayed from the path of righteousness as long as you are living and breathing, every second that your heart beats, your fairytale is far from over. The legend continues and the plot can still change. You write your tale as you go; your choices determine the rest of you story. It matters not what you did but what you choose to do henceforth.

You may be wracked with guilt, remorse and regret for things that happened in the past. The fastest cure for these is reparation. Saying sorry is important, making things right even more so. You have the responsibility to put things back to how they were or at the very least, try.

You may have started out as the villain but you can always become the hero.

So stand up again and take heart.

Because your story isn’t over yet. There is a way to be good again.

Horizon:

Sometimes when life gets hard we get hit by an overwhelming desire to leave the place we are in. To pack up, set off for a new country and start afresh all over again. New places, new faces, a whole new life to boot and we think we will move on. We think we will heal.

I’ve always found it funny though, how people think that if they just pack up and go to another country that they will be magically ok. It’s the same you after all, no matter where you are. The same you under the same sky, just in another part of the world dealing with memories you’d rather forget. In reality it’s the memories that we are running away from. Memories so strong that they will follow you wherever you go even if it’s a million miles away.

Sometimes though, leaving can help. Places are memories after all, the park in which we sat chatting all night, the dancing fountain we watched together, the beach in which we climbed rocks and played in the waves. You pass these places sometimes and take a trip down the memory lane, reliving the times you were there with someone else. A familiar scent, a long forgotten song, a message written on a piece of tissue in jest, all are memories - a reminder of another time, maybe a time when you were happier, laughed a little louder, smiled a little wider. And when the illusion fades you are left with the stark reality of a place in which happy moments were shared, the same place that once brought you happiness now brings you pain.

People are memories too in the way they never seem to forget your mistakes. You may become a new person, a changed person but they will always be there to remind you of the times you fell, the similarity between how you behaved then and how you behave now.

And lastly the human heart that clings miserably to what you would dearly love to erase.

With all these reminders lying around it’s a wonder that people ever move on. The memories of the past are reaching into the future. Time had stopped flowing for me a long time ago. My heart is still in 2013.

Going to a new country seems like a good idea then. To get away from these places, these people, to start afresh. Maybe you won’t ever forget, but you will see things in a different perspective, a new perspective.

Maybe the person who you thought would always be with you is no longer by your side. But you know what, that’s ok.

Maybe the happy ending doesn’t involve someone else, maybe it’s you, on your own, picking up the pieces and starting over, freeing yourself up for something better in the future. Maybe the happy ending is just ….moving on. Or maybe the happy ending is this, knowing that through all the suffering, the embarrassment, the pain and the struggles you never gave up hope.

And just like that the time that had stopped, will start flowing again.

(The last paragraph is a quote from the movie He's Not That Into You)

Crossroads:

Sometimes bad things happen.

Things change. Good friends leave. There are fights and ego clashes. Harsh words are exchanged and you find yourself getting disrespected. You get hurt, you get rejected, you get beaten down and you can’t find the will to stand up. Sometimes you lose a friend, sometimes you lose your job and you’re met with dead ends wherever you go. These are normal happenings, ordinary things to be expected in the journey of life.

What is abnormal is the defeatist attitude we have adopted towards it. If a phone breaks down, get a new one, if a marriage breaks down; get a new spouse. We live in an age where we accept defeat before we start fighting, where we’d rather throw things away than try to fix it. An attitude perpetuated by selfish desires to protect me, myself and my individual interests. The friendship doesn’t serve me so I cut ties, the marriage works no longer so let’s divorce. You don’t agree with me, too bad, your loss; I’m off to live my life. Hasta la vista buddy.

When we are at the crossroads of life between hope and despair, we seem to choose despair without a second thought.

The underlying theme for this generation seems to be “Let it go”. The casual way in which this phrase is used has always annoyed me. Letting go is not something rash decided in the heat of the moment and it is not giving up. Letting go only happens in the worst case scenario. It happens when you have done everything within your power to save a project, a business or a relationship and holding on has started negatively impacting your life. Then and only then is letting go an option. The difference between giving up and letting go is that giving up happens before you even try and letting go happens after you have done everything that you possibly can. And if you truly did everything that you possibly could you can walk away with no regrets.

I was brought up in the age where we fixed things that were broken. If a kettle broke we would fix it instead of getting a new one. If a relationship was endangered, we would sort things out instead of cutting ties. Abandoning ship without even trying to stop it from sinking has never been an option.

There is no courage in simply ending things and giving up. There is no courage in running away without trying to fix things. There is nothing to be gained by dwelling on the tragedies of the past and seeing the present through the same light. There is nothing to be gained by giving way for despair without ever considering hope.

If you live life distrusting people you have yet to meet because of something that others have done to you in the past you will be a very lonely person indeed.

A little more persistence, a little more effort and what seemed like a hopeless failure may turn into a glorious success.

So hang in there. Follow your heart. When you are at the crossroads of life, choose hope. Walk bravely along that path.

And lights will guide you home.

The Stranger:

You know me really well. But I've never met you. Strange right?

I remember watching you when we were among our circle of friends. In the midst of all the laughter and chatter you sat there quietly listening, quiet until you became invisible in plain sight. Observing everyone else yet never saying a thing. But I noticed you. The you who seemed content with being invisible and unnoticed.

It seemed like you had a lot of thoughts, deep thoughts. You understood things about us that we didn't understand ourselves. You watched and learned, quietly gleaning more and more about us but we were always in the dark. They say still waters run deep and I eventually began to fear the mind that saw so much but spoke so little. The mind that knew me so well and saw right through every deception.

Sometimes there were moments when I felt like we were getting close and I rejoiced. I was happy that after many years finally the waiting had paid off. But I was delusional. Because what I saw was what you chose to portray. Our relationship was surface level at best.

The little that I did know about you came from the mouths of others. I questioned your courage but you were braver than all of us put together, I questioned your dreams but you surprised me by turning it into a reality. And I liked the little glimpses of your true self, I admired that person.

You were an excellent actor, so good at acting that only very few could tell the difference. You lived a life of disguises, smiling when you were happy and smiling even wider when you were upset. Acted so well that even what was real became fake. Ultimately even your sincerity became acting.

I remember the day when I discovered that your sincerity was an act. I almost believed you until an accident from your side, an unexpected slip of tongue clued me in. In that instant I rewrote everything we had shared. Because if you can fake sincerity you can fake anything.

I don't think I have ever met the real you and so I don't miss you. You cannot miss what you've never had.

But sometimes, just sometimes, I wonder what would have happened if I met the person in the shadows. Could we have become friends?

I guess I'll never know.

I will forget you:

From today onwards

I don’t know you

I haven’t even seen you before
We have never walked past each other

I am fine, I forgot everything

I am happy in this busy world

With the simple pleasures that give me joy

Love is like this

It comes and goes from time to time

And as time goes on I can’t even remember you

When one love goes

Another love will start

Even if it hurts now

Time will pass, wounds will heal

That’s how it will be

Surely that’s how it will be

I will live well
I will be strong
I will forget you

I will move on

The above is the lyrics of one of my favorite songs called "I will forget you". What strikes me in particular is that its not a vengeful declaration to cut ties, not a harsh decision made in the heat of a moment or a brash statement to maim and injure the heart. The song is sung with a feeling of resigned acceptance, the acceptance of a person who realizes that this relationship is destroying the peace in their life and trying to hold on is causing instability. It's the sincere heart of a person who has tried their best to maintain the relationship and cannot hang on. Acceptance brings them peace.

Sometimes letting go is the only way.

Do listen and enjoy :)

I Will Forget You - CN Blue