The Foolish Dream:

“To live without hope is to not make unrealistic demands on life. It is to live without myths, without consolation. “– Albert Camus

“Hope is the worst of all evil, for it prolongs the torment of men.” - Nietzche

Long back, when I was 17, I shared the same life view as these illustrious people. I accepted with great indifference my lot in life. Dreams and hope created illusions, desires that I would have to thirst after; it was a barrier to staying content. Happiness was acceptance of the futility of life as I knew it.

It is with this mindset that I entered the teens group, the ministry had just been founded and was trying to establish its roots. Little ministries slowly started popping up from within like the miscall ministry and the library ministry. Inevitably it became a need to start a music ministry since a lot of our prayer meetings involved joyful, action songs. A few of us recognized this and took up the responsibility.

Three of us ragtag musicians who were complete amateurs would meet up for practice every week in my house. Although I enjoyed practice I was left with a sense of dissatisfaction as I kept comparing our little, unprofessional music ministry with the classy, professional ministry the youth had and wondered when we would ever get to that level. I always had the niggling thought at the back of my head that we needed more members, more vocalists and instrumentalists for this to turn into a full, fledged ministry.

It was at this time that one of the more ambitious members of the ministry kept talking about his dream to start a band. Naturally I was amused. Since I love being pessimistic, I laughed at the fact that we don’t even have a proper music ministry forget a band. Our skills were far from excellent; in fact none of us had even had formal music training and had picked up the essentials of the instruments by ourselves. I laughed at the hope he harbored, the foolish dream.

Looking back I realize that this guy’s dreams were met with a lot of laughter, jokes and contempt. It was the kind of dream that little kids have when they are too young to know that the practical feasibility of their dream materializing was impossible. And I followed the crowd’s herd mentality. I shook my head believing this to be an impractical endeavor. There is nothing more poisonous than the foolish dream, I was convinced.

A few months later this guy had started recruiting some potential members for his band. This was a source of great bemusement for me, was he so blinded that he thought this could actually materialize? Was he deaf to the concerns of those around him? Did he not see how impossible it was for a teenager who only knew a few chords on the guitar to form a fully fledged band?

Regardless he carried this band along slowly and steadily in the face of obstacles. This was his ambition, his hope, his dream and he seemed immune to what others thought of it. To me it looked like a lone man’s struggle, he was swimming against the tide and sooner or later the tide would overwhelm him.

He started practicing in earnest with the few people he had approached. Their skills were not up to par but there was a semblance of a band that had now started emerging. Over the years old members were switched, new ones were recruited and the seemingly amateur band had racked up some crazy skills.

Their hard work slowly started paying off, their progress was exponential; they had graduated from the amateur band I knew. This was no longer a fleeting, teenage dream of an ambitious boy; it had become a reality.

Today this band is comprised of the most talented individuals I know. They have recorded several originals, they play live for retreats and programs all over the country and it’s an additional feather to their cap that all of them are so young, the majority just on the cusp of adulthood.

When I think of how this all started, the hope of a starry eyed teenage boy who decided to swim against the tide, I allow myself a small smile. What a funny way for God to teach His daughter, the power of hope.

“Listen to the mustn'ts, child. Listen to the don'ts. Listen to the shouldn'ts, the impossibles, the won'ts. Listen to the never haves, then listen close to me... Anything can happen, child. Anything can be.” –Shel Silverstein

God's Great Dance Floor:

Last night God made one of my secret wishes come true. I've always wanted to watch fireworks with my teens and while we were at the parish festival watching the grand finale suddenly fireworks started shooting from the church roof. It was a magical moment because I was watching fireworks light up the night sky surrounded by people I deeply love. At that moment I felt an overflow of love from my heart and the memory was seared into my brain. I wanted the moment to last forever.

Humans have a tendency to have a wide array of relationships. But even among those relationships some are special; we give more weight and importance to certain people. We form attachments, romantic bonds, familial bonds, fast friendships. We have layers and levels of friendships, some mere acquaintances and some best friends for life. We form cliques and groups, some more intense than the other. We always have a favorite among favorites.

While these are perfectly normal it’s also the reason while we feel alone so much. No one wants to be second best. We want to be the most special, the most important, and the most loved with everyone. And we probably have this desire because it’s built into us.

As I danced the night away with my teens I realized this is what heaven is like. No special bonds of family or love or friendship exist. Every person is equally special, equally loved, no one greater than the other. The random stranger on the street would be as important to me as a family member. Everyone is the most preferred, the most special, the most loved. Best friends for an eternity. No one is alone.

I got a glimpse of heaven last night. And this is how I imagine it to be. All of us together, rejoicing in an atmosphere so thick with love, grooving to the choirs of angels on God’s great dance floor.

The light at the end of the tunnel:

“Never allow your fear of rejection overcome your faith in love.”

I had recently read this statement somewhere and it affected me very strongly on a personal level. Let me explain.

Growing up I was always highly cynical, suspicious and generally distrustful of people. It seemed like everyone had an ulterior motive, relationships were a transaction and even the strongest friendships could dissolve at the drop of a hat. My silent observation of the many relationships I saw around me only sought to reaffirm my beliefs. I had slowly started building up walls around myself based purely on what I had seen rather than experienced.

After a while I started experiencing such relationships. With dwindling faith I moved from one friendship to another seeking someone, anyone who could prove me wrong. But I was disappointed time and again. With every friendship that dissolved at the slightest sign of trouble, I laid another brick on the wall. Finally by mid July last year the walls I had been constructing for years reached completion. I couldn't bring myself to care for anyone else and other people’s affection for me could no longer penetrate. I was numb.

I sat alone in the towering fortress that I had built. I felt triumphant that I had been right all along, yet perversely miserable at my condition. This was not a battle I had wanted to win.

Now I had a certain unicorn in my life. A wonderful friend who was always so positive, all flowers and rainbows and exuberant happiness all the time. From the beginning I mistrusted her and her overwhelming affection for me. I wasn't sure why but I couldn't bring myself to believe that she actually cared. This was all a pretense, a facade, I convinced myself. The truth is I couldn't accept the love which I felt I didn't deserve.

This friend of mine tried several times over and over again. With time, my mistrust only grew. I was seeking the ulterior motive behind her actions. Surely she’ll get tired of keeping up this act I believed. But almost a year passed and she was still at it, still telling me that she cared and that she loved me. I have no idea what divine strength she possessed to keep going. I was by no means an easy opponent.

I don’t know how and why but one day it suddenly struck me. Out of the thousand stray arrows that just whizzed by, one hit bull’s-eye. Somehow she had found a crack in the fortress and the walls came crumbling down.

Sincere love will always be recognized. There was no spectacular event or revelation that struck me. Just one day I was suddenly convinced that this was no pretense, no facade, this was the real deal.

I truly believe that it was God and only God who let this happen. That thanks to this one beautiful friendship I was no longer numb and could start trusting in people again. If her perseverance could get through to me then why wouldn't mine get through other people? I started to have faith in love once more.

Sometimes I wonder what would have happened if she ever allowed the fear of rejection to overcome her. If she had gotten sick of my indifference and given up. I would still be in that fortress, numb, unhappy and unable to love. And she would be a statistic. One of the many faces who had given up on me.

A lot of the unhappy people we see around us today are victims of circumstances. They've built up countless walls around them and maybe they turned out that way because there wasn't a single person around them to persistently try to be there, to tear down the walls of mistrust, who never gave up.

There is no such thing as an impenetrable wall. You see even the most pessimistic person wants to believe in love, they want to be proved wrong, they want to have hope.

You must allow your faith in love triumph over your fear of rejection. You must be the light at the end of the tunnel for someone trapped by the walls that they themselves built. You must keep fighting for and believing in the power of love. You must be for someone out there, hope.

And whenever you attempt to do the Master’s will, a power will be given to you to equal the duty.

P.S: This post is dedicated to the unicorn. I am always thankful for having you in my life. You are truly a blessing.

The Year in Review: A mixed bag

So finally its that time of the year.

I remember when I was ten years old, I watched my aunt sit at home on the 31st of December, looking at the walls of her house and recounting the many blessings she had during the year. What struck me the most was the serene expression with which she sat, contented with the year's events, quietly accepting every good and bad moment.

This left a profound impact on me and ever since I have followed in her footsteps.

2014 was an unusual year. It oscillated from rock bottom to euphoria so quickly that it gave me whiplash. Even though the year was not filled with many good moments there are quite some significant learnings that I had throughout.

I learnt that most relationships were a season and didn't last forever. It gave me a lot of inner peace to finally let go of certain relationships that were causing instability and that I was holding unto stubbornly. There are of course some people in my life whom I wish would last for more than a season and I pray that God honors this desire of my heart.

I realized who my true friends are. They say that friendship's truest test is adversity and some beautiful people really came through. In fact the biggest blessing that I had this year were these few people who went all out, patiently teaching me, correcting me, praying for me and helping me smile again.

I got the courage to make few major decisions, especially career decisions. Even though there is a bit of uncertainty, quitting my old job was the best thing I've ever done.

Lots of amazing times spent with the teens who are so vibrant and joyful that its infectious. I rediscovered the joy of ministry and the several retreats and moments we spent with each other throughout the year are truly memorable.

I decided to be in charge of my own happiness, decisively spending time with positive people. We did many things together, watching movies, sleepovers, random moments spent in the holy mobile. In addition I took many pictures and videos of these special moments to remind me later. I also cut down on the over-thinking and negativity a lot. Finally Growth!

I decided to allow my faith in love overcome my fear of rejection and I must say its paying off. I also learnt to embrace myself as I am, in my uniqueness and am at every moment truly trying to be wonderfully me. Being comfortable in my own skin is the best thing ever.

I had always had a huge anti-male streak in me. The men in my life were not exactly shining examples of humanity either so that didn't help much. However I believe God corrected those paradigms by introducing some wonderful boys in my life who are such gems of human beings that my prejudices about men no longer exist.

I learnt in the harshest way possible about the dangers of judging others. Suffice to say I will try my best to be open minded at all times.

I started writing once more after the longest hiatus in history. Blogging is something I really enjoy and a wonderful platform to express my chaotic thought process.

I truly treasure the times spent with Amu, Varsha, Achu, Aby and Joshua throughout the year. Every moment was beautiful and contributed towards healing my brokenness.

All in all I would say in spite of all the bad things that happened, this year was a beautiful year. It was a year that brought hope back into my life and I am looking forward to the new year with a lot of peace flooding from within.

Most of all thank you Jesus for constantly loving and being there for me.

Wish you all a Happy and Prosperous New Year!

The Useless Apology:

“I’m sorry.”

She repeated the apology with sincerity etched on her face. Wordlessly she picked up her bag and turned to leave. The guilt that had been plaguing her for a while disappeared. We’re all good now, she thought as she walked. She felt light, and happy. The apology had set her free. She could move on now.

His eyes followed her as she walked off happily. As she disappeared around the corner, a shadow fell across his face.

How many years of pain inflicted and wounds created. How many days of hurt given. And in a moment’s notice, a simple apology from her end and she was free. She was fine. She could move on and live her life.

What about the person left behind?

What about the person who’s trust was shattered? What about the person struggling to forgive? What about the person who has to deal with the toxic memories that resurfaces every once in a while?

Is this the end? Is this justice?

He snorted with grim amusement.

How simple to utter a word of apology and turn your back on what you have wrecked for so long.

How useless the apology that was not uttered at the appropriate time but years after the offence was committed.

How naive the mind that thinks everything is over with the sorry. How naive to believe that you are at peace with yourself without resolving to make amends, without mending the heart that you broke, without putting effort into making whole once more the person who is now afraid to trust.

Was the apology to cure your own guilty conscience or was it sincere understanding of what you did wrong? And does it end with understanding? Do you have no responsibility to attempt to restore what you took away?

It doesn't end with an apology. It never will.

They never came home:

Last night after I got home I set about reading the numerous articles about the school attack in Peshawar. A group of terrorists entered the school during class hours and started shooting in every class. They walked into classrooms asking kids which of their parents worked in the army. The naive kids raised their hands. They were immediately shot at point blank range.

Some kids tried to run and hide. Some splattered with the blood of their friends lay down on the floor pretending to be dead. So many little lives taken. My heart goes out to the little ones who were murdered. My heart breaks further for the survivors who were forced to witness such trauma at a young age. Forced to see friends and teachers getting murdered before their eyes, forced to face the mind-numbing fear of being the next target, forced to crawl down in terror in the place where they should feel the safest. At school.

The militants killed more than 140 people that day. The survivors will never be the same.

Apparently before releasing their guns into the vicinity the terrorists screamed "God is great!".

Pope Francis rightly said "Some of the best people in the world had no religion, some of the worst acts were committed in His name."

Although the majority sympathizes deeply with the nation, we can see subtle indications of a blame game taking shape. Under the guise of empathizing some remark that the nation is facing the karmic implications of the terror it inflicted on others. What goes around comes around they say. Some say that they should have been careful when they played with fire because it could burn down your own house some day. We see the self righteous people eager to blame the religion for this incident.

Strip down the ethnicity, religion, country, everything else to a core level and it comes down to this. Humans killing humans.

The terrorists had a motive. Their motive was revenge for their own families being targeted. Eye for an eye they say.

Funny it seems to me because they were only targeted as they had targeted others first. If you stuck by the eye for an eye principle the whole world would be blind.

When you kill all reasons, explanations, justifications and motives disappear. You stop being a victim. You just become a murderer.

It occurs to me how dangerous the ideology of self righteousness can be. How dangerous when you firmly believe that what you do is right and cannot be open to the possibility that you are wrong. How dangerous to assume that whatever you are doing is for the greater good. At what point can you draw the line between the greater good and the depraved actions of a mad man?

How poisonous religious texts can become when you take it upon yourself to interpret them. How an all loving, merciful God can become the justification for those who murder, torment and rape.

Where is the love?

People killing, people dying
Children hurt and you hear them crying
Can you practice what you preach?
Or would you turn the other cheek?

Father, Father, Father help us
Send some guidance from above
Because people got me, got me questioning
Where is the love?

Miracles in December:

It's that time of the year when a mysterious happiness takes hold of everyone. The time in which no matter how bad things seem, no matter how dire the circumstances its difficult to stay in despair. The air tingles with magic and a mystical hope seizes the heart.

The whole universe seems to be in harmony, rejoicing for some reason unknown. And the joy is infectious. Unknowingly as I sit under the lit up bridge, staring at the water, I smile.

The winter air is chilly. I shiver and draw my body closer to myself. I see couples walking hand in hand, warmed by the presence of each other. My heart twinges with longing for companionship. I brush that aside and focus on the magical atmosphere. The stars are winking at me again.

My thoughts turn to some amazing women I have met in my life. Holy women, women of God with so much faith and trust in Him that I can't help but marvel. Their greatest desire was to get married and they were always hopeful about the future. No matter how many years had passed without any signs, they held on with fervent faith that their desires would materialize.

Sometimes when it got hard to trust in the Lord they gave in to sadness of the soul. But right away they would pick themselves up and console each other. They would try their best to be satisfied in Him and trust in His time.

I wonder at times looking at them. Every now and then hopelessness engulfs me. I look up to heaven and wonder what God is doing, I wonder why He tests them this way.

Doubting Thomas has competition. I could easily give him a run for his money.

I sigh heavily. A verse pops into my my mind. Delight in the Lord and He will honor the desires of your heart. For it is He who gave you those desires.

Well, I think sarcastically, how nice of you to give them such desires and make them wait for so long.

Jesus is smiling annoyingly in that serene way. As if everything is going to be alright.

My longing betrays me. It shows that I need something much more than Him to be satisfied. I have yet to reach perfect love. After all perfect love would drive out all fear.

"I gave you those desires because I will fulfill them" He promises "I will not disappoint".

I trust you. I have to trust in you otherwise all hope is lost.

Like a little child making a wish I close my eyes and make a wish. Amaze me Lord, I say, amaze me beyond my expectations. Give those girls the guys they have been prayerfully waiting for so long. Let this be my Christmas miracle.

After all this was the month of the first miracle. When Love came down to rescue me.

So I wait patiently. For miracles in December.