The Year in Review: Baggage Claim

"I am a flower quickly fading, here today and gone tomorrow
A wave tossed in the ocean, a vapor in the wind"

This verse from a favorite song always serves as a reminder of how insignificant my life is. Here today and gone tomorrow. My life may be as insignificant as a vapor in the wind to the world but to me its everything. Every moment counts.

When I look back at this year and try to recall the moments of true happiness, there are few that I can recall.The times I spent with close friends just being together. It was never the conversation that made the moments special. Just being there with them made me feel at peace. The times I spent during DTP with the kids. Watching them blossom beautifully, watching them getting healed, watching them grow slowly but surely into men and women of God, knowing that one day they will be on the front line in the battle we Christians are waging against the world. The times I spent making new friends, getting closer to a few people who were just mere acquaintances before. The times I spent listening to the troubles of people who trusted me enough to tell me the deepest secrets of their life. The times I spent with one special friend whom I trusted beyond anyone and to whom I bared everything and showed myself when I was the most vulnerable. The times I spent with a blessed friend who became close recently and was an inexpressible comfort to me when no one else was around. The times I could help people and glow in satisfaction when I felt useful. The times when I learnt a small, simple song on the piano and felt wonderful.

I received a lot in terms of what the world would define as success. I got a new car, a first class degree from my university, a dream job in one of the Big Four companies, an education which will be completely paid for. But when I look back these would not be among the treasured moments that I had. I refuse to define happiness the way the world defines it, I find happiness in these small moments.

The times of conflict and strife and unhappiness far exceed the moments of peace and happiness. The times when conflicts with friends could not be resolved. When a close friend told lies like the truth, lies that became the truth. When he pretended like nothing ever happened and chose to ignore issues while I was affected. When another close friend refused to trust me and defined the boundaries of our relationship through gender. When he refused to let me lean on him for emotional support that I desperately needed. When my fellow members in the ministry refused to lend a helping hand and watched while I was swept into keeping ministry afloat. When friends decided to stay silent and let hurt feelings turn into venom. When friends took a step back from me thinking that it was for my own good. When friends used me over and over again, when they disrespected me as a person, when they assumed that I would go grovelling. When I ran after people like a dog and they didn't bother and still don't. When friends knew how hurt I was but refused to apologize.When my elders deserted me and didn't even call me once.

Most of all my relationship with Him. One step forward, two steps back. I have become bitter and cynical. It was too difficult to live the way he expected me to live. Sometimes I felt neglected by Him. I saw my friends grow in faith, faith which I have never had. Doubting is second nature to me. Denying myself to an extent that I lose myself, I don't think I'm capable of that. I grew disillusioned with Him. I still am. But I still love Him and for that I'm thankful. And I know he loves me.

The baggage that I piled for many years is getting heavier. This year I added a lot more to the existing baggage. So I have made some decisions. A decision to leave behind the friends who hurt me and don't care. A decision to leave behind the guy who was my first love. A decision to detach myself until I fall in love with Him. A decision to be with the teens to help them grow and to grow myself spiritually. A decision to let go of hurt and hope in the one thing that lasts forever. A decision to wipe the slate clean and start afresh next year. A decision to let go.

A decision not to deal with baggage. That baggage can remain unclaimed.

Revenge? After all they say, the best revenge is living well.