Horizon:

Sometimes when life gets hard we get hit by an overwhelming desire to leave the place we are in. To pack up, set off for a new country and start afresh all over again. New places, new faces, a whole new life to boot and we think we will move on. We think we will heal.

I’ve always found it funny though, how people think that if they just pack up and go to another country that they will be magically ok. It’s the same you after all, no matter where you are. The same you under the same sky, just in another part of the world dealing with memories you’d rather forget. In reality it’s the memories that we are running away from. Memories so strong that they will follow you wherever you go even if it’s a million miles away.

Sometimes though, leaving can help. Places are memories after all, the park in which we sat chatting all night, the dancing fountain we watched together, the beach in which we climbed rocks and played in the waves. You pass these places sometimes and take a trip down the memory lane, reliving the times you were there with someone else. A familiar scent, a long forgotten song, a message written on a piece of tissue in jest, all are memories - a reminder of another time, maybe a time when you were happier, laughed a little louder, smiled a little wider. And when the illusion fades you are left with the stark reality of a place in which happy moments were shared, the same place that once brought you happiness now brings you pain.

People are memories too in the way they never seem to forget your mistakes. You may become a new person, a changed person but they will always be there to remind you of the times you fell, the similarity between how you behaved then and how you behave now.

And lastly the human heart that clings miserably to what you would dearly love to erase.

With all these reminders lying around it’s a wonder that people ever move on. The memories of the past are reaching into the future. Time had stopped flowing for me a long time ago. My heart is still in 2013.

Going to a new country seems like a good idea then. To get away from these places, these people, to start afresh. Maybe you won’t ever forget, but you will see things in a different perspective, a new perspective.

Maybe the person who you thought would always be with you is no longer by your side. But you know what, that’s ok.

Maybe the happy ending doesn’t involve someone else, maybe it’s you, on your own, picking up the pieces and starting over, freeing yourself up for something better in the future. Maybe the happy ending is just ….moving on. Or maybe the happy ending is this, knowing that through all the suffering, the embarrassment, the pain and the struggles you never gave up hope.

And just like that the time that had stopped, will start flowing again.

(The last paragraph is a quote from the movie He's Not That Into You)

Crossroads:

Sometimes bad things happen.

Things change. Good friends leave. There are fights and ego clashes. Harsh words are exchanged and you find yourself getting disrespected. You get hurt, you get rejected, you get beaten down and you can’t find the will to stand up. Sometimes you lose a friend, sometimes you lose your job and you’re met with dead ends wherever you go. These are normal happenings, ordinary things to be expected in the journey of life.

What is abnormal is the defeatist attitude we have adopted towards it. If a phone breaks down, get a new one, if a marriage breaks down; get a new spouse. We live in an age where we accept defeat before we start fighting, where we’d rather throw things away than try to fix it. An attitude perpetuated by selfish desires to protect me, myself and my individual interests. The friendship doesn’t serve me so I cut ties, the marriage works no longer so let’s divorce. You don’t agree with me, too bad, your loss; I’m off to live my life. Hasta la vista buddy.

When we are at the crossroads of life between hope and despair, we seem to choose despair without a second thought.

The underlying theme for this generation seems to be “Let it go”. The casual way in which this phrase is used has always annoyed me. Letting go is not something rash decided in the heat of the moment and it is not giving up. Letting go only happens in the worst case scenario. It happens when you have done everything within your power to save a project, a business or a relationship and holding on has started negatively impacting your life. Then and only then is letting go an option. The difference between giving up and letting go is that giving up happens before you even try and letting go happens after you have done everything that you possibly can. And if you truly did everything that you possibly could you can walk away with no regrets.

I was brought up in the age where we fixed things that were broken. If a kettle broke we would fix it instead of getting a new one. If a relationship was endangered, we would sort things out instead of cutting ties. Abandoning ship without even trying to stop it from sinking has never been an option.

There is no courage in simply ending things and giving up. There is no courage in running away without trying to fix things. There is nothing to be gained by dwelling on the tragedies of the past and seeing the present through the same light. There is nothing to be gained by giving way for despair without ever considering hope.

If you live life distrusting people you have yet to meet because of something that others have done to you in the past you will be a very lonely person indeed.

A little more persistence, a little more effort and what seemed like a hopeless failure may turn into a glorious success.

So hang in there. Follow your heart. When you are at the crossroads of life, choose hope. Walk bravely along that path.

And lights will guide you home.

The Stranger:

You know me really well. But I've never met you. Strange right?

I remember watching you when we were among our circle of friends. In the midst of all the laughter and chatter you sat there quietly listening, quiet until you became invisible in plain sight. Observing everyone else yet never saying a thing. But I noticed you. The you who seemed content with being invisible and unnoticed.

It seemed like you had a lot of thoughts, deep thoughts. You understood things about us that we didn't understand ourselves. You watched and learned, quietly gleaning more and more about us but we were always in the dark. They say still waters run deep and I eventually began to fear the mind that saw so much but spoke so little. The mind that knew me so well and saw right through every deception.

Sometimes there were moments when I felt like we were getting close and I rejoiced. I was happy that after many years finally the waiting had paid off. But I was delusional. Because what I saw was what you chose to portray. Our relationship was surface level at best.

The little that I did know about you came from the mouths of others. I questioned your courage but you were braver than all of us put together, I questioned your dreams but you surprised me by turning it into a reality. And I liked the little glimpses of your true self, I admired that person.

You were an excellent actor, so good at acting that only very few could tell the difference. You lived a life of disguises, smiling when you were happy and smiling even wider when you were upset. Acted so well that even what was real became fake. Ultimately even your sincerity became acting.

I remember the day when I discovered that your sincerity was an act. I almost believed you until an accident from your side, an unexpected slip of tongue clued me in. In that instant I rewrote everything we had shared. Because if you can fake sincerity you can fake anything.

I don't think I have ever met the real you and so I don't miss you. You cannot miss what you've never had.

But sometimes, just sometimes, I wonder what would have happened if I met the person in the shadows. Could we have become friends?

I guess I'll never know.

I will forget you:

From today onwards

I don’t know you

I haven’t even seen you before
We have never walked past each other

I am fine, I forgot everything

I am happy in this busy world

With the simple pleasures that give me joy

Love is like this

It comes and goes from time to time

And as time goes on I can’t even remember you

When one love goes

Another love will start

Even if it hurts now

Time will pass, wounds will heal

That’s how it will be

Surely that’s how it will be

I will live well
I will be strong
I will forget you

I will move on

The above is the lyrics of one of my favorite songs called "I will forget you". What strikes me in particular is that its not a vengeful declaration to cut ties, not a harsh decision made in the heat of a moment or a brash statement to maim and injure the heart. The song is sung with a feeling of resigned acceptance, the acceptance of a person who realizes that this relationship is destroying the peace in their life and trying to hold on is causing instability. It's the sincere heart of a person who has tried their best to maintain the relationship and cannot hang on. Acceptance brings them peace.

Sometimes letting go is the only way.

Do listen and enjoy :)

I Will Forget You - CN Blue

The Gray Area:

"The darkest places in hell are reserved for those who maintain their neutrality in times of a moral crisis." - (Dante, 12th century Italian poet)

I love people who take my side in arguments because well, who doesn't? I respect people who choose to differ because they have the courage to not simply accept and the intellect to question. But there is one type of person that I cannot stand. I despise neutrality.

There are those who straddle the fence, neither here nor there. When a disagreement occurs they are unable to pick a side. Rather, they choose not to pick a side. They choose to remain neutral, peaceful, untouched and uninvolved. Neither black or white but a moral gray area.

On a surface level it seems quite an acceptable thing to do. After all no one wants to go looking for trouble and its downright rude to stick your nose in the affairs of others. But when your voice is required today, speak out here and now. Don't remain silent under the pretense of neutrality because the truth is your not being neutral, you just don't want to get involved. 

It's the kind of herd mentality that human beings have suffered from since generations. When a man is getting beaten up in public. a crowd gathers to watch. Sure the whole crowd could overwhelm the attacker. But they stay still, neutral, unfeeling, allowing the atrocity to take place. No one wants to be the first to take a stand, no one wants to get involved. They don't realize that neutrality doesn't exist, not really. Neutrality is just a fictional place in the head. When they chose to be quiet, they already picked a side. The side of the attacker. Silence is consent.

It's the same problem that's destroying the world as we know it now. When countries with power don't put an end to terrorism simply because they are not affected. Not my business, they say. But with great power comes great responsibility. And it is their responsibility to lend their power to those who do not possess their own.

So enough of being neutral. Pick a side.

" So because you are lukewarm, neither hot nor cold, I will spit you out of my mouth!" - Revelations 3:16

Disillusioned:

As a ministry grows and evolves it becomes inevitable for levels of hierarchies to form. These are essential when it comes to growing the movement and spreading the gospel. But positions and titles bring with it their own problems. Whenever titles are involved, politics gets dragged in.

Even a church ministry can’t avoid the problem with such positions and these power struggles became apparent while I was growing into the ministry. Safeguards were put in to stop such things from happening. The leader of a team was given the title coordinator. Just a person who coordinates with the team and nothing more. Emphasis was given on servant leadership, not the kind that dominates and enforces but takes up the mantle of responsibility with an attitude of servitude. It wasn't enough though; eventually people who worked longer in the ministry desired higher positions, frequent ego clashes resulted in arguments and ended up with some leaving the movement forever.

Watching leaders that I loved and respected turning into people who fought over petty things like titles and recognition was demotivating to the extreme. My short tenure having a position proved something vital. That I wasn't suited for power or a position of leadership. That it becomes extremely easy to grow comfortable in that ivory tower and order people around. That sometimes we cannot help but evoke our title to enforce a decision that others are not comfortable with. It’s hard for the ordinary man to resist the lure of power.

Ever since then I steered clear of positions, although I was offered several time and again. But it’s still saddening to see former lambs turning to wolves with just a little power. Saddening to see people forget the attitude of servant leadership and wield their titles like a sword. Painful to watch as some disregard why they are in the ministry in the first place.

Power corrupts.

Absolute power corrupts absolutely.

Grateful:

Today a young woman came from a cleaning agency to tidy my house. Being unaccustomed to having help around the place mom went about making things easier, sharing the chores and speeding up the pace of work. After a while mom settled down and looked at the girl while she was cleaning and remarked to me sadly “If only circumstances allowed her to have an education she would be living comfortably like so many other women her age.”

It was the kind of remark that made me look at my mom with renewed respect.  Mom had always been a highly compassionate woman. The workmen who came home were always treated to platters of fruit and tea, the technicians were sent home after a long day’s work with bags of goodies, the repairmen with warm words and a comforting smile. My mother always stopped to chat with the watchman and the plumbers who hung around our building before coming back up home. Anytime a good dish was prepared, a bowl of it was sent down to the building security. She never stopped reminding us about how blessed we were and how easily our situations could have been reversed if God had not been so merciful to us.

Perhaps it was due to this that to us a person’s worth was never determined by their financial status or their job. We looked at everyone equally, treated all with dignity and respect because of the lessons that were ingrained in our minds, the ceaseless reminders that we were all the same. In school I spent long hours chatting with the maids and ayahs, bus conductors and drivers during break time. They told me about their struggles, about problems back home, about poverty, ailing parents and unschooled children. I would walk away from these conversations feeling shameful about the petty things I complained about on a daily basis, guilt at being unable to make their lives better and infinitely thankful for all the blessings I had in my life.

It strikes me now how much we take for granted, the fact that we have parents and a roof over our head. That the teachers and schools we complain about so often are a luxury that many weren't able to experience. That we could easily have been the waiter who served us fancy dishes at a restaurant, the man who scrubbed windows for a living, the construction worker who carries heavy loads several times a day or the fatigued ayah who kept the bathrooms spotless. That we have done nothing to merit the privileged lifestyle we lead and it was just providence that we ended up where we are right now.We are all the same. Just some luckier than most with nothing to brag about other than God’s mercy.

And of that I will boast.

 “Why,” said Sara, “we are just the same—I am only a little girl like you. It’s just an accident that I am not you, and you are not me!” – A Little Princess