T for Travesty (A review of the Twilight series):

Most people are aware that I am avid reader of books and follower of blogs. Out of the many books I have read though few have faced my ire like the Twilight series. Do not think for a moment that I am one among many who discarded the books after watching the first movie. I have in fact read all four books over the course of a weekend as a dare for a friend.

He is no longer my friend.

I will never get back those hours of my life again.

The first thing that irked me about this book was the vampire thread. Really there is nothing exciting about a boyfriend who wants to murder you but is nobly restraining himself for love. It’s like dating a time bomb. You never know when it’s going to go off.

Edward Cullen is a “vegetarian” vampire who has had to attend different high schools in different countries over and over again in order to avoid suspicion of his unnatural youth. He’s handsome, chivalrous, a perfect gentleman and is head over heels for our protagonist. And why is he attracted to our leading lady?

Because she smells delicious.

I kid you not. That sounds like my relationship with pizza. Except that has never stopped me from devouring it. But Edward harbors a hideous secret, he’s a vampire. This includes several intriguing abilities like extreme agility, the power to read minds and oh, he glitters in the sunlight. That particular scene had me laughing so hard I was in splits. It goes a bit like this.

(Sunlight hits Edward and he transforms into a disco ball)

Bella(awestruck) : You’re beautiful

Edward(repulsed): I’m disgusting.

Seriously Edward? I mean, it’s not like you’re covered in acne when the sunlight hits you. I would have said “Hell yeah, I’m a unicorn!”

Moving on.

Edward who is madly in love with Bella for God only knows why, takes to creeping in to her house at night and watching her while she sleeps. Hi there, psychopath. Instead of finding this creepy, Bella finds this extremely romantic. Evidently she was dropped on her head as a baby.

Let’s talk about Bella for a second. She’s quiet, reserved and antisocial. She has no goals, no dreams and clearly no friends. There is nothing remotely attractive about her and if there was, Stephanie forgot to write it in her book. She has zero development throughout the book and completely lacks a personality. I have a slice of cheese in my refrigerator that has more personality than her. She also seems to be a bit of a masochist because she finds everything disturbing about Edward romantic.

Edward and Bella get along like a house on fire. He tries not to eat her, she simpers at his noble sacrifice and they continue in this fashion until the second book when Bella attends a birthday party and gets a paper cut. The tiniest drop of blood oozes unto the carpet and sends another fellow vampire into a frenzy. Then and only then does Edward realize that Bella’s safety is in jeopardy as long as she hangs around Edward.

It appears that a high IQ is not one of the abilities you inherit as a vampire.

Commence noble idiocy. Edward breaks up with Bella under the pretense of not loving her and disappears. Bella instead of moping for a while and moving on completely loses it. She falls apart and decides to end her life.

Really Bella? Really?

Forget the fact that Bella is a high schooler and a young woman in her prime with her whole life ahead of her. The highlight of your life was a boy? Without him there isn’t a single person or a single reason for which you would want to live?

In Harry Potter, when Hermione loses the love of her life she picks herself up and continues to aid Harry with his noble task, risking her life time and again to ensure the safety of the entire wizarding world. 

What does Bella do when she loses the love of her life?

Nosedive off a cliff apparently. What spirit this girl has. She survives miraculously only to find out that Edward stricken with grief is on the way to end his life.

You two deserve each other.

No wonder Stephanie compares her novels to Romeo and Juliet (another travesty if I’ve ever seen one).  What’s funnier is the way Edward tries to kill himself. Instead of committing suicide the normal way - because that’s too easy, he decides to expose his glittery abdomen to humans and attract the attention of the Volturi (a sort of vampire government) who would execute him for breaking the rules and exposing their secret to the world.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH.

Seriously if I saw a shiny human being jump in front of me I would just assume that he got high and messed around with craft materials. But apparently in the Twilight universe people equate glitter with vampires. You know because that sparkly exterior just screams supernatural bloodsucker.

Bella manages to reach Edward in time to stop him from flashing unsuspecting humans. Both pick up their epic romance from where they left off. Lather, rinse, repeat.

Enter Jacob. Jacob is a werewolf, a sworn enemy of vampires and nurses a secret crush on Bella (again why?) He would like nothing better than to get her away from Edward because it’s dangerous for her to be around a vampire. You know, even though Jacob is a werewolf himself. Said the pot to the kettle. 

Bella though aware of his feelings, messes around with him and is crippled with indecision. Which supernatural being who’s bewitched by her lack of personality should she choose? When Edward is out of the picture she leans towards Jacob. When he comes back all of a sudden, who’s Jacob?

As if I needed anymore reason to dislike her. Quite the Casanova, our damsel in distress.

Edward and Jacob continue their tug of war with our limp heroine and finally she chooses to marry Edward. Jacob is heartbroken and leaps into the woods to howl in misery. I guess I should be glad that he doesn’t try to kill himself.

To Edward’s great horror and my own, Bella gets pregnant.

Welcome to the biggest plothole of the Twicrap series.

How on earth did that happen? Vampires are basically dead, how can they procreate? But to read the rest of the book we must tie up disbelief and throw it off the same cliff from which Bella tried to commit suicide. She gives birth to a half vampire and names her Renesmee. I’m not even going to talk about how silly that name is.

Jacob - bless his furry paws falls in love with Renesmee. You know the little baby who’s as long as a Subway sandwich. The presence of a vampire child comes to the attention of the Volturi who decides that the child cannot exist. The Volturi approaches rapidly while the Cullens and a dozen other vampires gather allies in preparation for a vampire war. However when they finally do meet they just hold hands and sing Kumbayah. Or not. By this point I was just glad that the ordeal was over and I had survived.

Cue credits.

I think I actually got dumber after reading this.

If anything this book is a book of hope. It taught me that you don’t necessarily have to be a good writer to make it as a best-selling author. For that I thank you Stephanie.