Paranoia:
Ten ‘o’ clock at night. I glance at the time and
stuff my personal planner and the rest of my belongings into my handbag. My
colleague looks up through piles of paper.
“Going already?” he asks.
“Yep” I reply “I want to leave before it gets too late”.
When I reach the door I remember that I parked quite far
away. The area where I parked would be deserted at this time. I bite my lip
hesitating before turning back and asking “Aren't you leaving yet?”
He waves me along impatiently; way too busy to even look up.
I don’t want to betray my fear of walking into deserted parking lots. Don’t
want to seem weak and I am loathe to ask him if he would walk me to my car. So I
steady myself and saunter out into the darkness. The cool evening air assaults
me as I hurry along.
I watch every car that passes by warily, if any car seems
like they’re going to stop or slow down I quicken my steps. The parking lot is
as empty as I feared. I feel vulnerable, an easy target in this vast piece of
land. I spot a man checking his phone under the light of a street lamp. I walk
slowly, quietly, hoping that he doesn't notice me till I get to my car. He
looks up, straight at me. He makes to move towards me and I abandon all pretense,
breaking into a run, unlocking my car from a distance. I throw the door open
and climb in clumsily. The first thing I do is lock the door.
I look for the man. He’s getting into a car. I let loose a
sigh of relief; my paranoia played tricks on me, he was just going to his car.
I drive out of the lot slowly, exiting the complex. The
drive is monotonous, the roads are near empty and I slow down and wait at a
junction. A white four wheeler pulls up next to me. I look sideways and see the
driver glance towards my car. He smiles teasingly and starts making kissy faces
through the window. Repulsed I look to the front and see the light turn green.
I gun the accelerator and leave him behind in the dust. Now I’m on the lookout
for other drivers as well.
I reach home and turn into the paid parking two blocks away.
As I climb out of the car I see the pathway to the beach about 5 minutes away
from where I stood. I have always loved the beach since I was a kid and I feel
a sudden longing to go sit on the sand and listen to the waves. The beach
always managed to calm me down. But I can’t, I am alone and it’s too dangerous.
Not like I would be any safer with a male companion. That would just mean that
I was an easy girl with no morals; after all what would a decent woman be doing
in the beach at night with a boy? Angry thoughts bubble to the surface of my
mind and I brush them away. Getting heated doesn't change my situation.
I reluctantly turn away from the beach and walk home. As I
near my building I see three men sitting on the steps. They break into song
when they see me and sing loudly, raucously. The fear on my face disappears under
a mask of indifference. I don’t make eye contact; I don’t stop to tell them off,
that would be seen as a challenge. I merely ball my fists tightly and walk with
a bravado I do not feel. The song has lewd lyrics and makes my skin crawl. I
can see them out of the corner of my eye, staring, taking in every inch of my
body.
The watchman comes out when he sees me and shoos the trio
away. As I disappear through the door, I can still hear them behind me, cat
calling and laughing. What fun it must be to target a girl, to call her names,
to stare at her rudely.
I unlock my door and slip in. For the first time since I
left the office my paranoia ebbs away and I feel safe again. I collapse on my
bed and lie there staring at the ceiling, replaying the events of the day. I
wonder if its coincidence, providence or pure dumb luck that I am not yet another
victim, not another Nirbhaya.
An ordinary day in the life of a woman.
