Love’s Labor’s Lost: A satirical review of Romeo and Juliet

Shakespeare’s Romeo and Juliet has always been described as an epic romance. I am unsure of how many people have actually read the complete play but for those of you who don’t have the time here is a brief synopsis.

This play made me unreasonably angry, to the extent that I wanted to pick up my laptop and fling it against the wall. Without giving too much away let’s get into the depth of the story.

We have our protagonist Romeo, a whiny teenager who’s seized by the throes of romantic passion for a fair maiden Rosaline. Rosaline belongs to the house of Capulet while Romeo belongs to the house of Montague, both houses sworn enemies of the other.

Rosaline’s beauty is legendary and regaled about in society. She is also an independent, smart, young woman who knows what is good for her and hence does not give Romeo the time of the day.

Romeo loves Rosaline with a passion that cannot be denied. He has never spoken to her or gotten a true measure of her character but sure her great beauty has rendered him a slave to love. We enter into the play with Romeo in the midst of depression since Rosaline refuses to return his affections. She also denies him with the excuse that she has sworn herself to celibacy for life. I would too if I was ever unfortunate enough to come across a vagrant like Romeo.

Romeo’s cousin Benvolio who has been blessed with endless patience and is a little slow in the head tries to lift Romeo out of his depression. Romeo responds with various declarations such as “I have a soul of lead/So stakes me to the ground I cannot move.” He whines eloquently for several paragraphs on how death is preferable since Rosaline cannot be his and how he has been badly wounded by Cupid’s arrow and how he’s sinking under love’s heavy burden. Much ado about nothing.

At this point Romeo is being a stick in the mud and I would have disowned him and publicly declared no blood relations with him.

Benovolio instead of thrashing his cousin as he should instead tries to get Romeo to go to a party where Rosaline is also present so that he may persuade her to accept him. Oh Benvolio. Your advice is as ridiculous as your name.

Romeo wearily agrees and goes with a heavy heart to the party where he meets Juliet.

Love at first sight.

Given the nature of modern feminists I am sure that Shakespeare is secretly glad he was born in the 1500’s where they cannot harm him.

Romeo being a profound character who only looks at what’s on the inside instantly falls head over heels for Juliet’s drop dead gorgeous looks. Juliet’s mother apparently didn’t give her daughter the talk on what kind of men to stay away from because Juliet return’s his affections ardently.

I wash my hands off you Juliet. You are beyond help.

Romeo then goes to the one character who is actually sober in this entire play - Friar Laurence, a beloved friend. He tells him that he loves Rosaline no longer and wants to marry Juliet that very day.

Behold the world’s biggest facepalm.

If Romeo was born in biblical times he would be a Pharisee.

Friar Laurence rightly points out that Romeo extolled eloquently on Rosaline’s virtues for days just to turn around and fall for Juliet at the drop of a hat. I knew I liked you Friar Laurence. I feel like we might be very good friends.

Romeo generates a weak defense for his deeds claiming that one was infatuation and this is true love. You don’t know the L of love buddy. Friar Laurence muses that Romeo may just be exchanging one infatuation for another. He chides Romeo for his drastic change of heart and comments that Rosaline was a wise little lady who knew that Romeo was shallower than a 5 cm swimming pool.

Hi-five and bro hug Friar Laurence.

Romeo declares that this love is mutual and persuades Friar Laurence into marrying him and Juliet. And the few minutes of sobriety dissipates into thin air as Friar Laurence agrees to marry them both.

It was good while it lasted Friar Laurence.

Romeo and Juliet continue their epic romance and exchange cheesy declarations that would render one lactose intolerant for life. Romeo exclaims”O that I were a glove upon that hand, that I might touch that cheek!”

“Oh that I were a glove upon that hand, that I may slap thy face.”

Now we descend into tested and tried Bollywood plot devices with both families opposing the union and a villain with as much character development as a table.

In the famous balcony scene Romeo and Juliet finally confess their love for another. Juliet says” Oh Romeo, wherefore art thou Romeo?”

Wherefore in old English meant why not where so Juliet was actually asking Romeo why was he Romeo.

I ask myself that very question. I know the feels bro.

Romeo and Juliet secretly wed and consummate their marriage. Juliet’s mother who is unaware of her daughter’s covert rebellion and her ability to make bad life decisions tries to get her married off to a suitable groom. Juliet opposes her decision but her mother will not be denied.

In despair, Juliet visits Friar Laurence for help. He offers her a drug that will put her into a deathlike coma for 2 days and offers to send a messenger to inform Romeo so that he can join her when she awakens. Juliet is discovered apparently dead on the night before her wedding and laid in the family crypt.

The messenger does not reach Romeo who believes Juliet is dead. Heartbroken, he goes to her grave where he encounters Paris, her fiancé. Paris rightly believes Romeo to be a vandal and challenges him to a duel. In the ensuing battle Romeo slays Paris.

And thus dies the second character who had started making some sense in this play.

Romeo, stricken by grief over Juliet’s death commits suicide. Juliet awakens and finding her lover dead once again proves her ability to make very bad life decisions by stabbing herself to death with his dagger.

"For never was a story of more woe / than this of Juliet and her Romeo."

How right you are Shakespeare. I woe the day I read this play.

History records this as an epic romance.

I record this as an epic fail.