Saudade:

Strangers
Acquaintances
Friends
Best Friends
Strangers

It's funny how these five little words can break my heart that way. There's nothing more painful than looking at a person remembering how much you have shared together and how close you were in the past and knowing that it will never return.

No word exists in English to describe this feeling but the Portuguese came up with a word. Saudade. It refers to a deep emotional state of nostalgia or profound melancholic longing for an absent someone or something that one loves. The feeling is accompanied by the repressed knowledge of knowing that the object of longing will never return.

That's how I feel right now. Saudade.

I reach with trepidation into my past. I flip through old pictures, messages and mails. Could it be that we were once so close, I marvel. It feels like ages ago, a lifetime away.

Not everyone is meant to stay in your life, I've been told. Some come in for a reason, a season, to accomplish something, maybe teach you a lesson or just simply be there when no one else was around. And once they fulfill that purpose, they leave just as suddenly as they entered.

"How do I know?" I think to myself. "How do I know if this person was meant to stay or leave?"

When the wrong person leaves your life, the right things start happening.

The right things are happening now, I realize grimly. So he was meant to leave. I've discovered new things, old things and good things about myself. I discovered that I am funny and playful. Discovered that I am quite capable of love. Found out that I'm not angry and unpleasant all the time but on the contrary quite fun to be with.

I see him talking and laughing with people. Foolishly I think of running towards him and whacking him on the shoulder playfully like I used to. I want to share the things that have been happening to me without a care in the world. I want to laugh and pull his leg like before. I want to pretend like none of this ever happened.

I restrain myself. Our eyes meet. I walk towards him with slow, paced steps. We make polite, insignificant conversation.

"How have you been?" he asks.

"Fine" I say. "No, I'm not fine." I think.

"I'm good." he says.

I fiddle with my hands. He shuffles his feet awkwardly.

"How's work? he enquires.

"Good" I reply. "How's college?"

"Not bad."

Silence.

I've run out of things to talk about, I realize. We smile awkwardly at each other. I'm torn between wanting to linger and getting away from there as far as possible.

His eyes speak volumes. I want to ask so much. What's been happening in your life all this time? I've missed you, I want to say. I wonder if he feels the same.

The look in his eyes. Something was different. He had changed. Sadder, more mature.

Well, I had changed too.

We part awkwardly. I walk slowly towards my car, my heart heavy. My throat itches painfully. Despite the sadness that envelopes me like fog; I'm glad. Glad that I feel pain at all. Glad that I have a healthy, good, strong heart that is full of love. One who didn't love cannot possibly feel this way.

Glad to be human. I know I am beautiful in my brokenness. I silently give thanks to God for filling me with love.

A drop rolls down my cheek and hits the pavement. How strange, I think as I touch my wet face.

It must be raining.

Veritas:

“You look so pretty today.”        

Outwardly she smiled. The smile didn't reach her eyes. Inwardly she discarded the compliment. It was difficult to judge if it was genuine praise or empty flattery. Too much trouble. Easier to not take it into account at all.

She was wary of compliments.

All throughout the day flattery came in from every direction.

“You are so smart.”

“You speak so well.”

“I love reading your blog.”

She smiled gracefully at all of them while mentally casting off the comments. Once in a while she could make out when a genuine compliment was being paid and she accepted it warmly. The moment of honest appreciation.

The others were as insignificant as chirping crickets.

White lies were harmless she had been told. A simple lie to make someone else feel better. To tell someone what they want to hear. I win some, you win some and we’re all happy right?

Wrong.

Compliments and appreciation were now meaningless. How would she know if someone meant what they said or if it was just a bid to make her feel better? White lies had slowly made its way into every social conversation making it impossible to distinguish the truth. Pleasantries to make oneself likable. Praise poured out from their lips while their hearts harbored envy and resentment.

When someone appreciated her now she was instantly suspicious about their intentions.

After all she had told white lies before to make others feel better. She had piled on the empty flattery. She had buttered people up to put them in their comfort zone and boosted their ego when she needed to get some things done. And people had believed her.

She had done it so many times. Why wouldn't others?

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Veritas is Latin for truth. Something that you rarely see nowadays. Truth is elusive indeed.

In a movie that I had watched recently a character mentions that he speaks the truth only 90% of the time. Telling the truth all the time was neither the smartest not the safest approach. Apparently sometimes people want to be lied to.

I dispute the veracity of that claim. After all doubting is in my blood. I find it hard to accept things I haven’t tried out for myself.

Fake personas have always bothered me. Pretending to like others when they actually can’t stand them. False words and emotions in social situations. Little white lies inserted here and there to impress and increase one’s own worth. False humility.

And the worst of all feigned goodness and holiness.

I yearn to see transparency in the people around me.

If you don’t like a person don’t make them feel like they are one among your favorite people. If you are upset don’t pretend like your life is a bed of roses. If you aren't particularly impressed with someone don’t spit out empty praise. If you’re frustrated or dissatisfied, voice it out instead of internalizing it. If you’re not very holy, don’t pretend to be.

If you can’t trust someone, tell them that you can’t.

Let your flaws be out there for everyone to see. Let people see you for who you really are and love you for it. Let people know the flaws in your character so that they can correct you and you can become a better person.

Because no matter how good you are at lying it won’t last. Eventually every pretense will fall apart and every lie will be revealed.

Every liar fears being lied to. Every liar cannot trust others and is suspicious of those around them. Because they have done it themselves. We hate certain things in others because we see the same things in ourselves.

A truthful person has nothing to fear. They don’t have to keep track of all the lies that they told, all the facades they held up, all the simmering resentment that could come bursting out anytime for the whole world to see.

Truth is harsh by nature. But you need not be brutally honest. You could always speak the truth with love while genuinely wishing the good of the other from your heart.

It won’t make you very popular but people will respect you for it. Most of all you can be assured that your character will help you find genuine, honest friends who will tell you what they feel about you. And I’ll take brutal truth over sweet lies any day.

I can honestly say that I haven’t been a genuine person all the time. I've done my share of dishonesty.

But I’m sick of lying. And I’m sick of the synthetic emotions, words, and expressions I see around me. Tired of the deceit concealed by wide smiles and the judgments concealed by silence.

I can’t change others but I can change myself. I must become the change that I want to see.

Imagine a world in which no one told lies. How honest and beautiful would be our interactions, how genuine our friendships, how much we would grow when our flaws were pointed out to us, how much more we could love and trust people around us.

Every advent I try something special. This advent I’m going to strive to be truthful. Not 90% of the time but 100% of the time. I want to challenge myself. After all we are called to be truthful.

I want to see if by changing myself I can see a change around me.

I’m up for the truth challenge. Are you?

The Loophole:

Every writer who writes fiction knows this. Whenever the writer creates a fictional universe they create some rules which the characters in the universe have to abide by. The author has full freedom to create the rules, no matter how crazy they are to set the premise. However once the rules are created, the scene is set and the characters start living by those rules, they cannot be meddled with or changed or dispelled.

In this fictional universe the author is the creator and master. Omnipotent in his kingdom, the author can do anything he wishes except for one thing. He himself must abide by the rules he created, he cannot break them. Since he stands for order in this kingdom, if he easily dispels the rules no one else will be prompted to follow and the whole kingdom will descend into chaos.

Thus said whenever rules are created in a universe care must be taken to avoid the rules from being too lengthy, descriptive and elaborate. The rules must allow a certain degree of freedom and flexibility and cannot be rigid. It cannot close every loophole because then the creator of this universe himself will become a prisoner to the rules. To retain mastery and omnipotence over his universe, the creator should have loopholes to change, append or modify and intervene wherever necessary.

When God created the universe along with the universe came a rule. All of the earth had to abide by a single rule, an unmovable, unshakable command. The price of sin is death.

Then Adam and Eve came forth and started living in this world governed by this single principle. However they were not mindless puppets of the Creator. They were liberal individuals with the full ability to exercise free will. Free will -  the ability to choose good or evil.

Immortal beings in paradise having every little thing they could ever ask for. However they would not have free will if they had no opportunity to do wrong. A good child is not a good child if he is in an environment where he can simply do no wrong. True goodness comes when both good and bad circumstances are present and the child chooses to abstain from wrongdoing despite having the opportunity to do so.

In the Garden of Eden temptation presented itself in the form of the the tree of knowledge and the deceitful snake. Adam and Eve had the ability to choose good or evil. And they made their choice. They disobeyed.

And the price of sin was death.

The rules that God the Father set when he created the universe had been broken. God who stood for order in this world could not break the rules that He Himself had set. If Order Himself dispelled the rules, the world would be thrown into chaos. If He broke the rules who else would abide by it? By nature everything that came from His lips were eternal, ever enduring like Himself and His Word came to fruition.

Adam and Eve were no longer immortal. Now they were destined to die a dreary human death. And their fruit, their children, all of mankind were destined to the same fate. Tainted by the same sin all were condemned to die.

God however with His unceasing mercy immediately focused all of Creation towards a plan for our salvation. Yes, He could not break the rule that He Himself had set but there was a loophole.

He loved His Creation so much He could not abandon us to our fate.

The price of sin had to be paid. But the rules didn't say by whom it had to be paid. Mankind was condemned to death and could not save themselves. But someone else could.

Father, Spirit, Son. Three distinct but in essence one.

An immortal being. One who could not die but would willingly pay the price. Whose death would be our salvation.

The loophole in the Divine Rule. Jesus.

And He came down from heaven. Fully human and fully divine. Mortal yet immortal. And he paid the price for all our sin. He came to save us who could not save ourselves.

Death could not kill Him who was immortal. Hell could not hold Him who was Divine. All had to bow in front of the power of God.

And we were free once more.

Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound
That saved a wretch like me
I once was lost, but now am found
Was blind but now I see

And Grace will lead me home.

Camaraderie:

He stood awkwardly near the two friends. Their closeness so apparent, the depth of their friendship undeniable. Both were known for being best friends, they went everywhere with each other, spent practically every living moment together. Regardless of which public or social setting they were in both friends always sought out the other and never left each other's side. They blocked out the world and stay put in their little bubble of friendship.

Which was fine of course. But as he stood near them he felt awkward and a little left out. It never felt like he was approaching a single person but a gang of two every time. As they shared their little inside jokes with each other, smirking at meanings and allusions only they would understand, he slipped away quietly. His presence went unnoticed by the two best friends who were too busy basking in the moment of camaraderie.

They just needed each other. Anyone who intruded felt like an outsider. Neither did either party try to step out and invite in other people on their own. Two peas in a pod, joined at the hip, inseparable.

Friendship was a gift, he thought to himself. True friendship was so rare, so wonderful, so beautiful. Their friendship was admirable, he tried to convince himself. Admirable that they were so close.

He was lying to himself again.

That friendship didn't feel wonderful to him. He never looked at them and felt happy thinking what great friends they were. It was a relationship that was exclusive rather than inclusive. The kind of relationship that somehow made others feel lonely and left out. That made bystanders feel like they didn't belong to this little clique.

It didn't seem like a healthy friendship. The kind that would help each other learn and grow. They trusted each other so wholly that they were blinded to the truth. They refused to listen to anyone else because they affirmed each other's opinions. Their unity was their strength, it was them against the world.

It was different. And not in a good way.

He didn't like this friendship. In fact he almost resented it.

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The kind of friendship we see above is highly unpleasant to be in the midst of. True friendship, like true love wins the heart and acknowledgement of those around them. It allows them to bask in their friendship and take joy in their closeness. It puts a smile on your face.

In essence the friendship we see above is not a true friendship. We see loyalty for the sake of loyalty not correction where its necessary. This relationship would stifle personal development because it tempted both to stay within their comfort zone of each other and rendered them blind to truth. It encouraged unteachability since both affirmed the other's opinions and were grounded in their fantasy. And neither seeked to actively create or retain new and existing friendships. It mattered not who they alienated, as long as they had each other.

A true friendship would generate positive emotions in a bystander, not negative.

I have come across many friendships in my life. Close friends whose closeness becomes apparent instantly.

I have always loved to see such friends. It was a joy to be in the presence of people who knew each other so well, so completely and for so long. Beautiful to see a relationship that managed to weather the ravages of time. Amazing that in-spite of trying times, they would be there for each other no matter what the circumstances.

Being in the midst of such friends lit up a warm glow in me. I basked in their friendship and love and somehow it never felt exclusive but inclusive. The whole world was a testament to their great friendship but everyone felt welcome to be a part of it and witness its beauty.

These guys didn't spend every waking moment with each other. In social settings they weren't instantly drawn to each other. In fact the moments that I did see them together in public were few and rare. Neither were their conversations with acquaintances all about "the best friend".

Sure they weren't together all the time. But the few moments they were, the silent love and understanding conveyed was enough for the bystander to notice. The playful bickering and jokes were such that anyone could join in and not feel left out.

In-spite of how close they were they were not blinded. They didn't simply agree to each other's opinions. They were the worst critics of each other and constantly corrected and rectified when they felt their bestie's were in the wrong. A healthy friendship that enabled both friends to grow, mature and become much better people.

True friendship enables you to grow. It is not one of simply agreeing with the other and making you feel good all the time. It is one where you can honestly, truthfully point out the flaws in each other and maturely accept your own.

The kind of friendship that would not make others feel lonely but make others want to recreate the type of friendship you have.

The kind of friendship that would make people smile when they look at you and silently thank God in their hearts for the wonderful relationship.

I pray that every friendship mirrors these qualities.

Love’s Labor’s Lost: A satirical review of Romeo and Juliet

Shakespeare’s Romeo and Juliet has always been described as an epic romance. I am unsure of how many people have actually read the complete play but for those of you who don’t have the time here is a brief synopsis.

This play made me unreasonably angry, to the extent that I wanted to pick up my laptop and fling it against the wall. Without giving too much away let’s get into the depth of the story.

We have our protagonist Romeo, a whiny teenager who’s seized by the throes of romantic passion for a fair maiden Rosaline. Rosaline belongs to the house of Capulet while Romeo belongs to the house of Montague, both houses sworn enemies of the other.

Rosaline’s beauty is legendary and regaled about in society. She is also an independent, smart, young woman who knows what is good for her and hence does not give Romeo the time of the day.

Romeo loves Rosaline with a passion that cannot be denied. He has never spoken to her or gotten a true measure of her character but sure her great beauty has rendered him a slave to love. We enter into the play with Romeo in the midst of depression since Rosaline refuses to return his affections. She also denies him with the excuse that she has sworn herself to celibacy for life. I would too if I was ever unfortunate enough to come across a vagrant like Romeo.

Romeo’s cousin Benvolio who has been blessed with endless patience and is a little slow in the head tries to lift Romeo out of his depression. Romeo responds with various declarations such as “I have a soul of lead/So stakes me to the ground I cannot move.” He whines eloquently for several paragraphs on how death is preferable since Rosaline cannot be his and how he has been badly wounded by Cupid’s arrow and how he’s sinking under love’s heavy burden. Much ado about nothing.

At this point Romeo is being a stick in the mud and I would have disowned him and publicly declared no blood relations with him.

Benovolio instead of thrashing his cousin as he should instead tries to get Romeo to go to a party where Rosaline is also present so that he may persuade her to accept him. Oh Benvolio. Your advice is as ridiculous as your name.

Romeo wearily agrees and goes with a heavy heart to the party where he meets Juliet.

Love at first sight.

Given the nature of modern feminists I am sure that Shakespeare is secretly glad he was born in the 1500’s where they cannot harm him.

Romeo being a profound character who only looks at what’s on the inside instantly falls head over heels for Juliet’s drop dead gorgeous looks. Juliet’s mother apparently didn’t give her daughter the talk on what kind of men to stay away from because Juliet return’s his affections ardently.

I wash my hands off you Juliet. You are beyond help.

Romeo then goes to the one character who is actually sober in this entire play - Friar Laurence, a beloved friend. He tells him that he loves Rosaline no longer and wants to marry Juliet that very day.

Behold the world’s biggest facepalm.

If Romeo was born in biblical times he would be a Pharisee.

Friar Laurence rightly points out that Romeo extolled eloquently on Rosaline’s virtues for days just to turn around and fall for Juliet at the drop of a hat. I knew I liked you Friar Laurence. I feel like we might be very good friends.

Romeo generates a weak defense for his deeds claiming that one was infatuation and this is true love. You don’t know the L of love buddy. Friar Laurence muses that Romeo may just be exchanging one infatuation for another. He chides Romeo for his drastic change of heart and comments that Rosaline was a wise little lady who knew that Romeo was shallower than a 5 cm swimming pool.

Hi-five and bro hug Friar Laurence.

Romeo declares that this love is mutual and persuades Friar Laurence into marrying him and Juliet. And the few minutes of sobriety dissipates into thin air as Friar Laurence agrees to marry them both.

It was good while it lasted Friar Laurence.

Romeo and Juliet continue their epic romance and exchange cheesy declarations that would render one lactose intolerant for life. Romeo exclaims”O that I were a glove upon that hand, that I might touch that cheek!”

“Oh that I were a glove upon that hand, that I may slap thy face.”

Now we descend into tested and tried Bollywood plot devices with both families opposing the union and a villain with as much character development as a table.

In the famous balcony scene Romeo and Juliet finally confess their love for another. Juliet says” Oh Romeo, wherefore art thou Romeo?”

Wherefore in old English meant why not where so Juliet was actually asking Romeo why was he Romeo.

I ask myself that very question. I know the feels bro.

Romeo and Juliet secretly wed and consummate their marriage. Juliet’s mother who is unaware of her daughter’s covert rebellion and her ability to make bad life decisions tries to get her married off to a suitable groom. Juliet opposes her decision but her mother will not be denied.

In despair, Juliet visits Friar Laurence for help. He offers her a drug that will put her into a deathlike coma for 2 days and offers to send a messenger to inform Romeo so that he can join her when she awakens. Juliet is discovered apparently dead on the night before her wedding and laid in the family crypt.

The messenger does not reach Romeo who believes Juliet is dead. Heartbroken, he goes to her grave where he encounters Paris, her fiancé. Paris rightly believes Romeo to be a vandal and challenges him to a duel. In the ensuing battle Romeo slays Paris.

And thus dies the second character who had started making some sense in this play.

Romeo, stricken by grief over Juliet’s death commits suicide. Juliet awakens and finding her lover dead once again proves her ability to make very bad life decisions by stabbing herself to death with his dagger.

"For never was a story of more woe / than this of Juliet and her Romeo."

How right you are Shakespeare. I woe the day I read this play.

History records this as an epic romance.

I record this as an epic fail.

Farewell:

So finally it has ended. One year working with one of the Big Four Audit firms. Funnily I was nostalgic and a little melancholy when I left. I thought I would be ridiculously excited but I will really miss the people I worked with.

Working with this firm was hands down the funniest experience I've ever had in my life. It’s a job where nothing is fixed starting from the office location, office timings, who you will be working with, the amount of time you will get in that client, work scope and so on and so forth. As a person who firmly enjoys routine and consistency I found it supremely disconcerting to be thrown back and forth every other week.

Every week I would be sent to some location in some other emirate that I was unfamiliar with. I don’t mind long drives but I do unnecessarily panic when I’m unsure of the way. Thank you GPS for always being there for me. It was actually fun getting lost a couple of times. Given the long distances that I had to travel I got to spend a lot of time in my lovely car – the holy mobile, listening to my praise and worship music and doing my favorite pastime – thinking. I also got to learn a lot of road ways that I otherwise would not have known.

Putting in long hours was exhausting. I realized that giving people more than enough time to work was counter-productive. Our work hours would start usually by 8:30 am and end around 8 – 9 pm in the night. However because we were so used to staying late and working that we would take things easy in the first half of the day and suddenly start working hard around 4 pm. If our work hours were restricted and we were forced to go home at 6 pm we would put in the same effort from start to finish.

I had various client interactions and it varied from client to client. We had some clients who were just so rude and unreasonable and we also had clients who were downright scared of auditors. It was hilarious to be referred to as Madam by people who were my grandfather’s age and to be brought coffee every two hours by the office peon. I had to suppress my mirth several times watching people squirm when I asked them questions because they were so scared of my position.

My colleagues were another level altogether. It’s difficult to remain in this field and retain your humanity because of the amount of pressure that is mounted upon you. The long work hours, the level of quality required and just the competitiveness that prevailed in this field was so high that there was a tendency to lose all the core values that make you human. Kindness, concern, and basic etiquette were all long forgotten.

I had some colleagues who were so ambitious that they never ever slept. Like zombies they worked day and night, ate lunch while working, barely ever saw their family, and it seems like they never ever went home. While their enthusiasm for the job was admirable I could not help but feel sad for these people who lived to work instead of working to live. They never got to enjoy their life and had lost sight of what was the true goal.

I had one true friend among all this. A female colleague who was there for me every time I needed her. We got thrown into this job with very little training and without her I could not have survived. We had much in common; we both were hard core fans of reading, literature and poetry. We also shared the same distaste for the rat race we were forced into. It was unreal to meet someone like her, a true gem of a person and I was glad for a friend like her.

Now as a department we never had fun. In fact we hated fun. On my last day there was a staff party being held and our administrators stormed into the room and tried to force us all to go for the party. We adamantly stuck to our seats because we wanted to work but our administrators were unrelenting. Finally we hid in the neighboring room so that we wouldn't have to go for the party. After two minutes the absurdity of the situation hit us and we burst into laughter. Only in an audit firm would we adamantly insist on not going for a party and try to work instead!

Stock count season was hilarious. We had to climb over boxes in dusty warehouses to count, and I had great fun with the forklifts. The forklifts had the unusual ability to go up while moving forward at the same time so I would spread my arms out and pretend like I was flying. Then I would remember that I was a professional and compose myself and return to my meek demeanor. Stock counts usually happened in the end of the year so while friends and family were having a blast during Christmas and New year we would be in some dusty warehouse counting boxes as the year ticked down.

My department had a shared passion for cricket to the extent that certain cricket websites were blocked in the office. We were constantly updated on match scores and during the T20 cup the rivalry between teams bordered on murderous. We would constantly call each other to rub unfortunate match scores in the faces of our colleagues supporting the opposing team. I never was a cricket fan but now I have fond memories whenever I remember the sport.

I must not forget my fossil of a laptop. It was so old, broken and chipped in several places; it wouldn't last even two minutes without the charger. Moreover it shut down routinely and lost all my data every once in a while. I called the IT guys more often than my mother because my laptop had so many issues. I wanted to donate it to Dubai Museum but the IT guys wanted it back when I left. I pray for the unfortunate person who gets to use it next.

All in all it was interesting experience. It was a hard slog and I’m glad it’s over but I will miss my colleagues. I remember each one of you fondly and will definitely pray for you.

Miles to go:

I attended a birthday party for two of my friends yesterday and I had a wonderful time. It was so much fun to just sit and mindlessly laugh and joke with my teens. Being with people who are much younger than me gave me the wonderful freedom to be myself. With older people I have to maintain my so called "image" which I could forego here.While we were laughing and joking around a couple of friends were clicking pictures and they captured some moments which were so real, not posed for the sake of the camera.

After I got home I took a look at the pictures. It was nice to see myself smiling genuinely for once. It had also been long since I had smiled like that. Usually I always have a forced camera smile and pity few out of most of my pictures have me smiling because I'm actually enjoying the moment. I felt happy for the me who felt genuine joy after so long and I've learnt to treasure and savor these moments.

Unbidden the little voice that I had been ignoring all this while came back. Something I had been wondering for a long time. I have recently been spending a crazy amount of time with the teens and I rarely take out anytime to just be with myself. The truth is I'm afraid. Afraid of what would happen if I just sat and thought as I usually do. So I have been postponing the moment to face reality. Like a coward I'm running away from my problems.

I've been using their smiles, laughter and energy to fill up the emptiness in me. I've spent practically every moment with them to avoid feeling lonely.

The woods are lovely, dark and deep.

I am tempted to stay camped in this comfort zone. To just put down my bags and forever postpone the moment in which I should face reality. Postpone the moment of healing because it's too much for me to handle right now. But life is a journey and this is just a rest station among many. To stay put here would be to ignore reality and stay in my fantasy. It would mean the cessation of life itself.

But I have promises to keep.

I have things to do, places to be in, responsibilities to handle. Other people who I need to spend more time with, I need to focus on my vocation, my career and most importantly my relationship with Him. I am sorely tempted to procrastinate and spend a little more time just being happy. A little more time in this Utopia instead of opening up once again the volume of hurt which I buried to shield myself. I need to allow healing to take place but before that I need to deal slowly with the things I've spent months running away from.

And miles to go before I sleep.

This happy place, these relationships that are bringing joy, these moments are so beautiful I just want to stay put forever. But I'm still on this journey and I have yet to reach my destination. I have many more miles to cover, many more people to meet, many more experiences to go through before I can rest. The woods entice me but I have miles to go before I sleep and awaken to eternal life. And we know that death is just the beginning.

I must move on.

"The woods are lovely, dark and deep
But I have promises to keep
And miles to go before I sleep
And miles to go before I sleep" - Robert Frost