Joy is in my heart:

A friend of mine had recently given me some constructive criticism and asked me to focus on my positive experiences instead of the negative ones. I dodged the proverbial bullet with my regular excuses that happy times were far and few in my life and the unhappy ones were those that brought about significant learnings. However in hindsight I realized that I remember such few happy times because I rarely dwell on them and I have decided to document some of those memories here to remind me later.

I've been through 2 generations of change. Two generations of friends turning over and moving on to better things and each time I've spent a lot of time staring at the doors that closed behind me and have never been able to  see the many new doors that opened up in front of me. A close friend of mine always said that friendship is a season and while a part of me agreed, a major part of me always wondered why it couldn't last longer. What about people who managed to remain friends forever? In my life it seems they slip in, we spend a few good moments, a lot of unhappy ones, I get some great paradigm shifting experiences and then they disappear.

A new chapter has begun. I tore out the old pages and started filling in the blank new pages. Even though October is towards the end of the year it feels like the beginning of a new year for me. New friends, new beginnings, a fresh new start and an infinitely more positive self.

Last week I finally resigned from a job that I detested. I've always wanted to do something unusual like being a lawyer, or a detective (don’t laugh), or forensics or writing or teaching. The thought of an ordinary desk job always gave me a headache but the paths to doing what I've really wanted to do always appeared to be dead ends. So I quietly followed the structured career plan my dad had in store for me and ended up in the most dreaded of all careers – Auditing.

I remember in the start of the year I had written to God and asked him to please help me get out of this job and this wonderful, romantic boyfriend of mine actually listened. My dad finally let me resign and is actually willing to sit down with me and listen to what I want to do with my life. Thank You Lord!

One of the reasons my friendships seldom last is my inability to show love. My lovely sister has always been able to see through the façade and witness the real love I have in me but she also constantly reminds me that love that is not expressed is not love at all. So I have really been trying to express love, I finally told my strict dad that he was my hero and that I loved him, I told my sister who’s always been pestering me for affection, and for a few weeks now I've really been trying to show people how much I love them. It was hard at first but the joy that comes afterwards cannot be replaced.

It is truly in giving that you receive.

I had an amazing weekend with two treasured friends. One of these guys is the longest friends I’ve had, he’s managed to stand me for 5 years and this road trip to Ras Al Khaimah was the best time for me. We went to support a retreat musically and had such a wonderful time. Music is an integral part of who I am and this is the first time I've been able to connect with friends through music. We spent hours late into the night jamming and just cracking lame jokes. I felt like for the first time I was just so free and truly myself.

People always have issues with my music taste especially when they get into my car. Because in my car its 24/7 praise and worship. But with these awesome guys we sang along to every song on that CD all the way to and back from RAK. It was just such an amazing time, I was supremely tired by the end of it but it will definitely be a treasured memory.

I was told that I am loved and I really believed it. I thought I had lost the ability to love but it’s waking slowly inside of me again.

I've had many, many negative experiences in the past but I've seldom regretted them simply because I've learnt so much through them. I've always had an ability to empathize deeply because of my several experiences and God has really been using that to listen to people, spending time with them, getting to know them better, praying for them and comforting them.

God has been reminding me firmly not to slip into my old cycles again and these continuous reminders have really kept me on track so far.

I've been working on my terrible habit of putting on a façade and now I’m trying every moment to be truly, genuinely myself. And the freedom that comes along with that is so sweet; you can only make genuine friends when you are being genuine yourself. It’s stunning to realize that after revealing my true character people have fallen in love with who I really am instead of who I want them to perceive me to be.

I spent another two days with the Thomas sisters just hanging out together and watching movies. We watched Lucy and Barbie in the dreamhouse (of all the lame things that we could watch together) and we had a fantabulous time together. I've always wanted to be a part of household full of girls and the weekend was like a dream weekend.

Last night when I was helping one of the younger ones with her homework she looked at me and told me “Pratibha, you have this way of making boring things interesting”. What a melting the heart moment.

In the past 2 months so many amazing things have happened, and so much to look forward to in the future. I feel like I’m about to burst with joy and it seems as if happiness has found its way into my life again.

Old friends have gone, new friends have come. The page turns over and a fresh chapter begins. Everyday is a brand new day to do something new and worthwhile and live joyfully instead of merely existing. After all the glory of God is a human fully alive and finally I’m alive again.

Thank You Lord.