Ethereal Beauty:

Oh Lord it hurts.

I was happy yesterday. So happy for one of my besties. Lovely girl with a rocking personality but not seen for who she is, but what she looked like. I was glad that someone finally noticed her glowing character, the amazing individuality, and her distinct personality. Glad that a decent one came along, not just for a mindless fling or meaningless passage of time but for a very real relationship, one that looked out for the future. Glad that he decided to see her for whom she is and appreciated the wealth of inner beauty that she possessed.

I always found her gorgeous. I thought she was so beautiful even with all her insecurities and her worries. She was funny, ridiculously funny, witty and sarcastic. So smart and intelligent that guys cowered when she took the stage. Her sheer presence was intimidating; she radiated authority, confidence, and absolute presence of mind.  We used to crib together about how people never wanted to look beneath the surface. We imagined together a lonely future, it was hard to believe anyone who would bother to stop and take a look at us, we were so used to being passed by. We high-fived each other saying that instead of being forever alone at least we could be together alone. Two crazy girls consoling each other knowing that we both were awesome but also hopeless for the future.

I wonder why it took so long for someone to notice what I had always seen. She was gorgeous to me inside out.

The problem with love these days is that society has taught the human race to stare at people with their eyes rather than their souls. Profound words by Christopher Poindexter that speaks to my heart.

So glad that she has finally found someone.

Why does my heart hurt this way I wonder. When I see the wealth of beauty hiding beneath people still out there, people who are regularly unnoticed and passed by just because their looks do not measure up to society’s skewed perception of beauty. My father always used to tell me that beauty is skin deep and I used to laugh thinking, yeah well tell society that.

It took me forever to accept myself. Forever to realize that who I am is not determined by what I look like, but by the strength of my character. Forever to realize that I don’t need the validation of a male counterpart when I already had the seal of approval from God. God does not make defective products.

Forever to realize that inner beauty radiates all the way to the outside but a lacking character can marr even great external beauty.

I have no illusions about my appearance. Maybe I’ll never find the one willing to look past it all but it’s no longer exhausting to love myself.

“I will love you, not starting with your skin or your organs or your bones; I will love madly first, your naked soul” – Christopher Poindexter

You are beautiful. Ethereally so. Not your face or your body, but your naked soul.

Mystical Serenity:

On weary days I walk along the sandy beach, trudging through the dunes. I sit facing the mighty sea and let the sand run through my fingers. The beach air gently lifts my hair as I gaze at the ocean. I close my eyes, tasting the salty sea mist.

Beautiful.

The setting sun in the horizon paints the sky with bold shades of red, orange and pink. The sea glimmers like a thousand gems, calm and dangerous at the same time. Mighty, unrestrained and free.

I feel peace envelope me as I take in my surroundings. As the waves hit the shore washing away the traces of the words I etched on the beach sand I feel my troubles ebb away. The weariness leaves my shoulders and nothing exists anymore except me and the sea.

I wonder what it is that people look for when they leave the worries of the day and seek out the sea. When they look for the quietness of the forest and try to disappear in the immense mountains. When troubled it seems that we want to be alone, away from noise and worldly things and we seek out Mother Nature. Because the vastness and beauty of nature makes us forget our problems for a little while. We are reminded of how small and insignificant we are, nothing but a dot in this vast universe and our problems no longer overwhelm us.

The evening turns to night and I lie back on the sand and look at the night sky. Stars twinkle at me mischievously as if they know all my secrets. My thoughts turn to loved ones who left the world. I imagine them enjoying in heaven looking down at me lovingly, watching my every move. I think of the amazing heavenly party going on upstairs. I think of my favorite saint St. Clare and wonder if she’s sitting beside me giving me the strength to keep loving when my own strength is insufficient.

The beauty of creation never fails to astound me. How beautiful then must be the Creator?

When I read a beautiful poem, the words leave a mark on my heart. The raw honesty of the verses, the emotion expressed in written words make me feel as if I saw but a glimpse of the soul of the author. The author whom I have never met and probably will never meet. But through his creation I get to know him a little better. And could creation ever surpass the creator?

Maybe we seek out creation because we want to be closer to the Creator. We find comfort in the beauty of nature because it’s an accurate representation of who He is. Through the art we come to know the artist. However none of these compare to the greatest masterpiece, the grand highlight of all Creation.

Me.

Crafted in the image and likeness of Him. Born with the essence of Love itself, to love and be loved. I need not look at nature to find Him. He is with me always.

He is in me.

And my restless heart finds rest in Him.

The Father's Song:

The little girl looked at her dad, a frown perpetually etched on his face. He always seemed so stern, so very serious. She continued playing as little girls do, under the watchful eyes of her father.

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Frustrated, he let loose a sigh. This job was killing him. Waking up every morning, going into an occupation where his talents were barely utilized, never recognized. He wanted to quit this demeaning exercise, leave behind the mundane, mindless routine that robbed him of his joy.

Worry lines creased his forehead as he looked at his daughter. Consumed by anxiousness for the future, he bit back his dissatisfaction with his job. Never mind the toil, the insults, the lack of recognition and the long hours. Her future is what mattered.

His silent sacrifice went unnoticed as the little girl continued playing without a care in the world.

*******************************************************************************

She ran into the house delirious with joy, clutching a trophy. The very first trophy that she had won in school. Proudly, she presented it to her parents. Mom exclaimed with joy, lavishing praises and the little girl lapped it up eager to hear more. She looked hopefully at her dad who gave a barely discernible nod, absorbed in his newspaper. Disappointed, she trudged into her room, the trophy hanging loosely by her side.

She learnt never to expect praise again.

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Extra- curricular activities, trophies, achievements, what good were they in the real world? He thought to himself. Better not to encourage it, education is what mattered the most. A secure future.

You will not lack anything, he silently vowed. You will not suffer what I have gone through. I will sacrifice anything to make sure that you shall not want.

Unbidden a smile crossed his face as he remembered her trophy. His chest welled up in pride. After all who’s daughter was she?

The little girl didn't see the grown man reveling alone in his daughter’s achievements.

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She never saw. She never heard. The silent, countless sacrifices he made for her every single day. Hanging his head, biting back insults in front of his arrogant boss, not indulging in the smallest pleasures to save up for her education, meticulously planning her future, anticipating her every need in advance. Wherever he went he was absorbed by thoughts of her, care, concern and worry. As he lay down to sleep at night, it was she who kept him awake; her happiness was all that mattered to him. His entire life gone in a flash, forfeited to forge her path so that she may walk freely without worries.

He boasted about her to his colleagues. Proud of her every little achievement, he told everyone he knew about her high grades, her talents, her triumphs, her, her, her. He was so proud of her.

His little princess. His beautiful little girl. The daughter he loved so much.

He had never learned how to express love.

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She never knew. She did not know how to see the love in the small things he did for her. She yearned for a warm hug, a word of praise, some form of recognition. She longed to hear that she was loved.

She looked for it elsewhere, outside. She looked to everyone who cared like she belonged. She got hurt over and over again because she tried to find love in the wrong places.

The little girl who didn't know how to recognize her father’s love.

The father who never knew how to express love.

The two who loved each other so much but could never tell each other just how much they loved.

The deadly silence that killed.

And then God intervened. He broke the barriers that stopped them from communicating, He crushed the misconceptions, He rolled away the stones that blocked her vision, He opened her ears and shattered her deafness. He bridged together the love that wouldn't have met otherwise. He touched her and healed her with His love and finally the little girl was able to experience her father’s love.

Both Heavenly and earthly.

She saw it in the countless little things he did for her, she heard it from the lips of others, she recognized his silent acknowledgement of her talents and abilities, she understood the magnitude of his sacrifice.

The love healed her. The craving deep within, the longing to be recognized, the aching need for affection now satisfied. Her father’s love was like a song, it enveloped her, comforted her, and made her whole. She stopped looking for love outside. She had it all along. As if love would ever want to hide.

She finally felt it. The music was with her always.

The Father’s song

The Father’s love

You sung it over me and for eternity

It’s written on my heart

Heaven’s perfect melody

The Creator’s symphony

You are singing over me

The Father’s song

(The last two verses are from Matt Redman's Father's song)

The heart of Evangelization:

Hey you.

Yes you. The lone stranger in the crowd. You who has till now not experienced God.

Today I want to tell you many things. How should I start?

Don't judge me for being a Christian. I don't approach you with an intention.

You are not an evangelization project. This is not a competition and your soul is not the prize. I don't turn people into projects. If I spend time with you its because I am genuinely interested in you. You collectively with your strengths and flaws, your talents, your unique thoughts, your weaknesses, the good with the bad. You just so perfectly you. The distinct soul within the very human body.

I respect you as a person, I attribute to you the dignity you deserve. You are a free thinking individual and I do not seek to impose upon you my ideals. 

I want to befriend you. But I don't have a hidden agenda. I don't keep a scoreboard of those who I have evangelized. 

I won't judge you, criticize you or condemn you. I won't correct you according to my perceptions. I can't. After all I have sinned too. And all sin is the same in the eyes of God. In fact I am more accountable, my sin is greater for I know that what I do is sin.

Sometimes it may appear that I act morally or spiritually superior to you. Correct me with charity. I am not superior. We are after all partners in the same journey. Equals. It matters not how many years lie between us, it matters not how much more time I've spent journeying with the Lord. What matters is that we are all still on the journey and we remain equal in His eyes until we reach our destination.

I am not on a superior spiritual plane all by myself. If that thought ever occurs to me know that I am beneath you not above.

We at every moment will be equals. I can learn from you as much as you can learn from me. Let us learn and grow holier together. Let us ask doubts and question. Every opinion, every thought you have matters, no question too dumb, no doubt too trivial. After all what is knowledge? If I have everything in the world and have not in my heart love, I am nothing.

I cannot be responsible for your personal salvation. I cannot take upon myself the burden of your soul. Not because I don't want to. I can't. But I will point you in the right direction. I can show you the one who will be your salvation. I am a mere beggar showing another, where to find bread.

Never be in awe of me or anyone else. Let no earthly being be your standard or else you will be dissapointed. Your standard is Him and Him alone.

At every moment the overriding emotion that motivates me will be love. Not a sense of duty, or obligation. When I call you, message you, come to speak to you I don't do it with the air of someone who ministers to you. I don't check up on your spiritual life like an obsessive preacher, I am not your mentor, I don't come to help you. I don't pity you or thrust unto you my sympathy. You don't need my sympathy, my pity or my help.

I come to you with love. Genuine concern as a friend. And at all times that will be what motivates me.

When you're upset I won't sprout bible verses like a fanatic. Not a motivational article or an inspirational quote. I won't choose the cowards way out. I won't hide behind verses and articles but never ask you how you are, what you need, how I can help. I won't assume what is best for you, I will always ask you what you want.

When I share knowledge with you that's because it inspired me too. And I want you to know about it.

I will be with you, hold you if you want to cry, be a listening ear in the middle of the night. Before I impose my theology upon you, before I drown you with my advice I will ask you if you are okay first. Feel free to speak, cry and rage out. After all am I not your friend?

If I have no words to say I will silently stand by you. You will not go through dark times alone just because I am unsure what to do.

If our friendship is threatened, do not fear. I won't leave you. I won't believe others mindlessly, I will not judge, I will not cling on to paradigms. I will first and foremost come to you and ask you directly. Speak out even if you are afraid of hurting me. Because truth hurts but silence kills.

If you ignore me I will ask what is wrong. I won't give up on you.

I love you. Not just because I am called to love you. Duty plays no role in this. I love you because you are you. Because the essence of my Creator is love and His essence flows within me. With the same love that formed you, He loves you through me and I love you too.

I want you to have eternal life. Yes I want you in heaven with me. Not because your soul is an additional feather in my cap, not because its a personal victory for me to lead you into heaven. Because heaven wouldn't be heaven without you. 

I love you friend. At every moment in my heart is love.

And that is the core of evangelization. Not pretty words and magnanimous acts. Not great theology and supreme knowledge. Not impossible phenomenons and miracles. The heart of evangelization is love.

Sincere love will always make itself known. It will neither hide nor go unrecognised.

If you can recognize my love come, lets journey together. Let's go rock this heavenly party.

And let's take along with us as many as we can.

Shattered:

He gazed at her lovingly. She was like a bird with a broken wing. So much sorrow and pain contained in one body. So broken, so shattered, so delicate, so very flawed. So very human.

So beautiful.

He wondered what happened to her. What was it that turned her into a shadow of the loveliness that she once was. He wondered who was responsible for breaking her. Because that’s how she seemed to him. Broken and vulnerable.

Unbidden a male instinct rose within him. Protectiveness and a desire to shield her from pain. He wanted to be the medicine, the cure for her sorrow. He decided that he would heal her, he thought he could save her.

He called her day and night. He checked on her every now and then. And slowly the wall of protectiveness and mistrust that she had built around herself crumbled. She started speaking, confiding deep, dark secrets that she had harbored for so long, too long.

He reveled in the knowledge of her being, every time she spoke he felt himself grow closer to her. Her past came tumbling out and he put the pieces of the puzzle together. He encouraged her slowly and watched with pride as she learnt to live again. Prouder than a father who watched his baby’s first steps.

She started smiling once more. The brokenness was fading, the past was getting cleansed. He instilled hope within her.

His pity and empathy morphed into an emotion that he didn't recognize. He had gotten so close to her, life seemed impossible without her. Every day he missed her, even when she was with him. His soul ached for her, his being yearned for her affection. The hole in his heart grew wider, an ache that could not be satisfied. He loved her.

She was healed. She could walk once more on her own. She needed him no longer. 

He had tried to heal her. But now he was scarred.

He was broken.

He needed to be healed.

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An all too familiar story?

The temptation to heal another exists every moment. Witnessing the brokenness of a person can instinctively cause you to want to take away their pain, to help, to save.

Unfortunately you can’t help. You can’t save them. And you definitely cannot heal them. Not as long as you think that it’s you doing the mending. You have to take yourself out of the equation. There is nothing you can accomplish with your own power.

Every human being has been given a certain amount of happiness, peace and joy. And your lot is enough to keep you happy in life. However when you decide to save someone else or heal someone else you inevitably end up scarred yourself. Because humans can only transfer joy, they can’t multiply it. We are like leeches, sucking the happiness out of each other leaving both parties unsatisfied.

You can transfer your happiness to them. But then you will lose your peace. Someone else might come along to mend your brokenness. And in the process you might snatch away their bliss. And this vicious cycle will continue. It won’t work, your efforts are in vain. Because no matter how hard you try you can’t heal and you definitely cannot save. 

Because you are not God. Stop trying to play God.

Only He can heal, only He can save. Only He can multiply. He can heal through you. And if you let Him you will not lose your serenity in the process. Be a willing instrument and allow Him to multiply your joy, your bliss, your happiness and spread it to others. He will make you a channel of His peace.

And others will be healed. Not by you, but through you.

By Him.

Don't come back:

He sat on the whitewashed bench surrounded by trees and gazed into the clearing. Not a single soul up and about, he was alone. He sat there bathed in moonlight, attuned to the sound of chirping crickets. The night air blew gently on his face as he tried to put words to the emotions that serenaded him. It had been so long since he experienced peace like this, golden peace, free from worries, so long since he had been happy, so gloriously happy.

“It’s been almost 2 months” he marveled, two months since the turmoil ended, and happy days were upon him, two months free from the agonizing pain of the soul, two months since he had ripped off his insecurities and finally started to accept himself for who he was.

Two months since he rediscovered how to love.

He felt empowered; emboldened by the knowledge of who he was, by the acceptance of self. He closed his eyes and breathed in the night air, reveling in the tranquility that was so palpable that he could almost taste it. An angelic smile graced his face, the first in many years that was inspired by true joy.

His phone vibrated on the bench disturbing the peace. He eyed his phone warily, the source of disruption.

A message from her.

He tensed while reading it and sighed in annoyance. As always she knew how to get on his nerves with her smugly superior statements. As he leaned forward to delete it, the memories he had been repressing surfaced once more in full force, he remembered the times he was reduced to the significance of a stranger- ignored and walked past like he never existed, the toxic friendship that had poisoned his trust, the tearing pain of being alone and her blank face that was always there to witness his failures but never his triumphs.

The ghosts of the past were upon him once more.

He gasped as a searing pain hit his chest, frantically he tried to stem the flow of memories that rushed forward, but it was unstoppable, he was seized by the torrent and he let it have their way. He rode the waves of emotion; limp as a puppet, the jarring sounds filled his ears, getting louder every instant. And just as suddenly as it came, it was gone. The noise faded, the pain receded and he was alone again.

He felt weak, small, insignificant and diminished in worth. Once more he felt like a child caught in wrongdoing, once more he tried to make himself invisible, unseen, he wished the earth would open up and swallow him.

“What is it about her?” he wondered “Why does she have so much power over me?”

He stared glumly at his lit up phone. The wounds were much deeper than he had realized, it would need much more time to heal.

It was foolish to forget the torments of the past. Folly to assume that years of pain would be erased by a few days of happiness. He was back to the start.

Two hearts separated by distance under the same night sky. One heart missing a friend.

The other hoping fervently that she would never return.

Gemstones:

Within you lies a gem. An uncut gem, rough yet priceless beyond measure. The gem gleams with brilliance unseen. However you mask it. Every time you underestimate yourself, every time you think you are not worthy, every time you put yourself down, you set yourself limits so low that anyone could easily surpass you, you draw boundaries for yourself and stay put neatly within your comfort zone while opportunities wave at you from the outside.

You who hang your head in shame in front of the jeering crowd, you whose fingers tremble whenever you attempt to show who you really are, you who are afraid of rejection and bullying, you who are terrified of humiliation because its happened too many times before, you who has failed over and over again and been ridiculed, take courage for the race is far from over.

You who were not judged by your strengths but by your weaknesses, how could you possibly succeed? Can a fish be judged by his ability to climb a tree? Your unique talent which was hand - picked and bestowed upon you, the endeavor that only you could ever excel at, let that be the standard by which you are judged.

Every harsh word that makes you withdraw into your shell, every jealous person who hates your success and undermines you, every time you succumb to the trap of self pity, every time you believe the lies of the devil, you cloud your gem from within . The you that cannot see your own brilliance, the you that clouds your own gem and covers it with dirt so that no one may ever see its radiance, do you not see the folly of your actions?

Do you know not that every obstacle faced means that whatever you’re doing counts? Do you know not that if you make no enemies and constantly try to please everybody you no longer remain on the right path? Do you not know that the path to righteousness is narrow and covered with weeds?

Do you not know that we all are part of a greater struggle and that you are never truly alone? Do you not know that our suffering unites us with the one who suffered the most for our sake? Do you not know that you are no longer a victim of circumstances; you are now an heir to the kingdom of God?

Do you not know that you are backed by the most powerful, the Almighty God himself? Do you not know that the gem within you is a fragment of His brilliance, pieces of a broken star, God’s power waiting to be unleashed within you?

You who cannot believe in your own goodness, I tell you to believe. You are wonderful, beautiful, talented, unique, hand crafted by the Almighty, a one of a kind masterpiece created to glorify Him. Your inspiration comes from Him and you are His instrument, you are His weapon against the darkness and through you people will see the light.

You are distinct, exquisite like a snowflake, none like you has ever walked this earth and none like you ever will. You were specifically engineered to tackle a certain loophole of the Enemy’s with your unique talents and skills, never underestimate the power of one human being wielded by the Almighty Himself.

Unleash the potential within you, lift your weary head, raise your eyes and look upon the brand new horizon. No longer will you be beaten down and haunted by the ghosts of the past. Today is the day you take charge, today is the day you start living the way you were meant to live, today is the day you claim your inheritance as an heir to the kingdom. Today is an opportunity to put forward in motion a single step, to engineer change and leave a lasting legacy.

And you a mere human, you are capable of this because of the gem that lies within you. The power of God Himself, His Holy Spirit and unmerited grace.

Your trials cut and shape the gem within you, your pain smoothens the rough edges, your suffering washes away the cloudiness, and it’s brilliance cannot be beaten, it shines with a radiance that can no longer be subdued.

You are wonderful, you are beautiful, you are worthy.

You are you. And you are enough. You always were.

And at the end of this weary road lies peace and tranquility for ever more.

Alone in a crowd:

That's right. I'm an introvert. A hard core introvert. I prefer reading to watching a movie, I prefer a few close friends instead of an enormous group, I prefer staying home and just talking late into the night instead of going out or partying. And I love this aspect of my personality, I love being an introvert.

I've never wished I was an extrovert. To me the life of an extrovert seemed strangely flashy and empty. Being an introvert I always felt gave me the opportunity to build deeper, intimate, long lasting connections with people rather than a wide range of acquaintances who wouldn't give a whit about you if you disappeared.

However even among introverts I'm a little special. I'm some sort of a super introvert. I can sit in silence for hours. I enjoy my own company so much its almost unnatural, my brain is my best friend. I spend ages thinking about any topic that seizes my fancy and when I've thought all I can about it I move on to the next. There's nothing I enjoy more than thinking.

This means though that ordinary people rarely understand my thought process and even find it a little weird. There are a measly few people like me who can actually resonate with me and find that connection. Measly few who enjoy over-thinking as much as I do.

The relationship between St Francis and Claire has often been mistaken as romantic affection yet it runs way beyond that. What struck Claire like a bolt of lightning when she saw Francis was the similarity. For the first time as she saw him preach she realized that she had met someone who's love for God mirrored her love for God. She was so used to being alone, she never felt like anyone ever understood the extent of her longing and desire for God and when she met Francis she finally saw in him someone who matched her desire. And the connection between these two resonated deep and struck a wonderful chord somewhere in the universe. This was no childish fancy, no teenage romance. It was something much more than romance, an understanding so deep that from it emanated the purest form of love. It was a marriage of mind and soul, something that transcended mere physical intimacy.

I've always been alone in a crowd. The few times I've tried to explain myself to people who I thought were like minded ended in abject failure. I'm yet to meet that one person who would completely understand and appreciate the way I think and the person I am. I'm one half of a pair and I feel incomplete.

The longing to be understood and seen for the person I am in entirety is so deep that it overwhelms me.

I wonder what would happen when I finally meet him. I imagine that when we meet time would stand still and somewhere in the universe a wonderful chord will be struck. And it will seem as if we've known each other forever. intimate friends whose love transcends a single lifetime.

Hey, a girl can dream. I'm a princess of the Almighty why should I settle for anything less?

Behind the Mask:

You walked into my life. You looked me up and down. My face, my body, my physical appearance. You listened to my words, you observed my mannerisms, you glanced at the façade I put on, but you didn’t glance through. You quietly stored away what you gleaned; you assumed and presumed, you passed judgments. You stuck firm by your convictions, stubborn in your belief that you understood me, that somehow you knew me better than I knew myself. And I laughed at your foolishness, your childish presumption.

Satisfied that you had learnt all there is to know about me you walked away. Without ever knowing who I am, you decided that you never needed me in your life based on what you saw, what you heard, what you believed. And yet again you stood firm, you were an impenetrable fortress, denser than a forest you refused to see the light.

“Fool” I whispered quietly “I let you see what you wanted to see, I let you hear what you wanted to hear. You never saw me for who I am, you never tried to crack the mask, to stare deep into the swirling galaxies in me, to gaze at the beauty within and now you never will.”

You who chose to listen to others over me, who chose to believe others, you who never strove to see the truth for yourself. Let this be your curse, you who willfully blinded yourself. You will never see.

If you ever saw my naked soul, you would weep unceasingly over what you lost.

And after giving it my all, satisfied; I move on.

Joy is in my heart:

A friend of mine had recently given me some constructive criticism and asked me to focus on my positive experiences instead of the negative ones. I dodged the proverbial bullet with my regular excuses that happy times were far and few in my life and the unhappy ones were those that brought about significant learnings. However in hindsight I realized that I remember such few happy times because I rarely dwell on them and I have decided to document some of those memories here to remind me later.

I've been through 2 generations of change. Two generations of friends turning over and moving on to better things and each time I've spent a lot of time staring at the doors that closed behind me and have never been able to  see the many new doors that opened up in front of me. A close friend of mine always said that friendship is a season and while a part of me agreed, a major part of me always wondered why it couldn't last longer. What about people who managed to remain friends forever? In my life it seems they slip in, we spend a few good moments, a lot of unhappy ones, I get some great paradigm shifting experiences and then they disappear.

A new chapter has begun. I tore out the old pages and started filling in the blank new pages. Even though October is towards the end of the year it feels like the beginning of a new year for me. New friends, new beginnings, a fresh new start and an infinitely more positive self.

Last week I finally resigned from a job that I detested. I've always wanted to do something unusual like being a lawyer, or a detective (don’t laugh), or forensics or writing or teaching. The thought of an ordinary desk job always gave me a headache but the paths to doing what I've really wanted to do always appeared to be dead ends. So I quietly followed the structured career plan my dad had in store for me and ended up in the most dreaded of all careers – Auditing.

I remember in the start of the year I had written to God and asked him to please help me get out of this job and this wonderful, romantic boyfriend of mine actually listened. My dad finally let me resign and is actually willing to sit down with me and listen to what I want to do with my life. Thank You Lord!

One of the reasons my friendships seldom last is my inability to show love. My lovely sister has always been able to see through the façade and witness the real love I have in me but she also constantly reminds me that love that is not expressed is not love at all. So I have really been trying to express love, I finally told my strict dad that he was my hero and that I loved him, I told my sister who’s always been pestering me for affection, and for a few weeks now I've really been trying to show people how much I love them. It was hard at first but the joy that comes afterwards cannot be replaced.

It is truly in giving that you receive.

I had an amazing weekend with two treasured friends. One of these guys is the longest friends I’ve had, he’s managed to stand me for 5 years and this road trip to Ras Al Khaimah was the best time for me. We went to support a retreat musically and had such a wonderful time. Music is an integral part of who I am and this is the first time I've been able to connect with friends through music. We spent hours late into the night jamming and just cracking lame jokes. I felt like for the first time I was just so free and truly myself.

People always have issues with my music taste especially when they get into my car. Because in my car its 24/7 praise and worship. But with these awesome guys we sang along to every song on that CD all the way to and back from RAK. It was just such an amazing time, I was supremely tired by the end of it but it will definitely be a treasured memory.

I was told that I am loved and I really believed it. I thought I had lost the ability to love but it’s waking slowly inside of me again.

I've had many, many negative experiences in the past but I've seldom regretted them simply because I've learnt so much through them. I've always had an ability to empathize deeply because of my several experiences and God has really been using that to listen to people, spending time with them, getting to know them better, praying for them and comforting them.

God has been reminding me firmly not to slip into my old cycles again and these continuous reminders have really kept me on track so far.

I've been working on my terrible habit of putting on a façade and now I’m trying every moment to be truly, genuinely myself. And the freedom that comes along with that is so sweet; you can only make genuine friends when you are being genuine yourself. It’s stunning to realize that after revealing my true character people have fallen in love with who I really am instead of who I want them to perceive me to be.

I spent another two days with the Thomas sisters just hanging out together and watching movies. We watched Lucy and Barbie in the dreamhouse (of all the lame things that we could watch together) and we had a fantabulous time together. I've always wanted to be a part of household full of girls and the weekend was like a dream weekend.

Last night when I was helping one of the younger ones with her homework she looked at me and told me “Pratibha, you have this way of making boring things interesting”. What a melting the heart moment.

In the past 2 months so many amazing things have happened, and so much to look forward to in the future. I feel like I’m about to burst with joy and it seems as if happiness has found its way into my life again.

Old friends have gone, new friends have come. The page turns over and a fresh chapter begins. Everyday is a brand new day to do something new and worthwhile and live joyfully instead of merely existing. After all the glory of God is a human fully alive and finally I’m alive again.

Thank You Lord.