EXISTING NOT LIVING:

Turmoil. That describes my heart perfectly at the moment.  A state of confusion and chaos that I can’t comprehend.

Negativity has plagued me all my life. It became a state of being, a lifestyle. It became my approach towards the big things in life like career and relationships and it permeated down to the smallest things. Growing up I was overly mature. I didn’t believe in friendships that lasted forever. I knew too well the inevitable separation that happened between friends when you change schools or you graduate. So rather than prolong the separation and drift apart slowly I cut it all at once. All throughout high school I treated my friendships like a loan, something temporary that would pass. And in doing so I never formed firm relationships that would last but a convenient bond that would prevent me from being lonely at the current time.  I never let myself get attached, I never made earnest promises to stay I touch. And as soon as I graduated I cut ties.  And it never hurt me, never plagued me. Sometimes I would think about them, but for the most part since I constantly forced myself to remember that they were going to go soon, their loss didn’t matter.

Relationships were the same.  If there was a problem I would delete the person from my life. I would ignore them in an attempt to shield myself from pain and cut them out. If the light stopped working in my house, I would change the house instead of the light bulb.

I never believed I would live to grow up. I remember staring around the classroom once wondering if everyone else felt the same. Whenever I did think of myself grown up though, I pictured myself living alone, no husband, no children, just me. A lonely, miserable existence that I believed with conviction was my future.

I never thought about this when I was younger but now I wonder why I was so negative. I never could enjoy the present. I spent all my childhood thinking about the future and I spend all my time nowadays looking into the past.

While talking to a friend one day, we discussed about our upcoming exam results. He was optimistic, he was sure we would pass but I took the gloomy outlook. I told him I was going to be pessimistic about our results and that I had this inane feeling that I wouldn’t get through. Rather than asking why though he just shrugged and said”Well, if being negative works for you then fine. I’m going to be happy.”

That got me thinking. Had being negative ever worked for me? Pessimists believe that by lowering expectations they can avoid disappointment when it occurs. However no matter how pessimistic I was when the result came I was still disappointed. Against my wish, unknowingly my heart would hope. And somehow my pessimism led to the result. By refusing to hope I inevitably made my worst fears come true.

Hope creates miracles. Persistence can do the same. Pessimism yielded only a single result. The worst possible outcome. Every time. But by hoping and praying, we inadvertently take actions that can sway the balance in our favor.  By hanging unto a relationship that does not reciprocate with persistence, the hardened heart can be swayed. But by shunning hope and letting go, any chance at redemption is lost.

Our life is but a sum of the choices we make. And each choice leaves behind regrets. Regrets are inevitable. Wisdom comes in choosing the option that we regret the least. And since we clearly can’t do that we have to lean on something bigger than us, something more powerful, omniscient, all knowing, yes I’m talking about God.

His will. By following his will it gives me freedom. I don’t need to think back and wonder if I made the right choice because “Everything happens for the good for those who love Him.” He knows the plans he made for us, plans to give us a future and prosperity. And I trust that by following His will I will have no regrets.

I wish I knew this earlier. I would have had a lot more hope in life. But making peace with my past is also something that I cannot do on my own. Only God can. He frees me by making me a new creation. The old has gone, the new has come.

“Lord, if its not your will let it slip through my grasp and give me the peace not to worry about it.”

Lord, give me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;

Enjoying one moment at a time;

Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;

Taking, as He did, this sinful world

as it is, not as I would have it;

Trusting that He will make all things right

if I surrender to His Will;

That I may be reasonably happy in this life

and supremely happy with Him

Forever in the next.

Amen.