Farewell:

I'm always wondering why I have to say goodbye to people so often.

From the beginning relationships haven't been normal for me. I've always oscillated between two extremes, either we get super close or we remain superficial, there is no in between. The superficial relationships always tend to last for a surprisingly long time, the people I genuinely care about always leave within a few years.

It's not as if there wasn't anything to learn from those relationships that ended, I've always had to learn very significant things. Yet sometimes I wonder if I could learn and still get to keep them.

My mind is my biggest obstruction. Since I crave closure and resolution so badly, when the relationship is hanging by a thread, I cut the thread. There can be no in between.

It saddens me when people move on so quickly, because I always keep people in my heart and their importance never dwindles over time. When too much time has passed for me to resurrect old memories with them, I let them go and cherish those memories in the quiet of my heart. What I have shared with them is mine and no one can take away.

In a world of temporary things, I am a girl of forever. When I told you that you are my friend I meant that for life. Even if you are not there.

Saying farewell over and over again has taught me to adapt. It hurt like crazy the first time, then it just stung and now it's become easy.

Somehow I feel like I'm being prepared to say farewell to many more people in the future.

Movie Review - Silence

I happened to watch the movie Silence quite recently and it raised quite a few questions. A friend of mine also had some doubts so I mailed her attempting to answer it and decided to post it here as well. Please note that this is written for someone who has already watched the entire movie otherwise it may not make sense.

Dear friend,

Happened to see the mail and I thought I would share my views with you. I am sorry this is so long and I do hope you will read till the end.

I loved this movie so much that I actually watched it twice. The first time I watched it I was left feeling disturbed. Disturbed because I could fully understand the struggle that Rodrigues went through and at the same time it didn't agree with my Christian beliefs that God would give permission to apostasy. I could not bring myself to accept that these people would end up losing their salvation when they were tortured so terribly in order to do so. Especially considering the fact that if put to the same test a good majority of us would fail.

The only consolation for me at that time was that the movie was a work of fiction. So imagine my horror when I realised that both individuals existed in real life. Fr Ferreira and Fr. Rodrigues (Giuseppe Chiara). Their stories are very much the same as the movie except for a few essential differences.

Kichijiro was a perfect example for this dilemma and he makes a very good point. He says that at another time, many years back he could have lived and died as a good Christian. He questions why he was born at a time when there was persecution and asks where is the place for a weak man in this world. And he is right.

Martyrdom is indeed a glorious thing, it takes a tremendous amount of courage and more importantly faith to be willing to die for our beliefs. But we are all created differently. We differ with respect to our talents and attributes and our strengths. What is easy for someone else might not be easy for me and I believe that God takes this into account. If martyrdom were an easy thing to do and everyone who believed was capable of it the church would not give such great importance to those who died as martyrs. They are revered and canonized in most cases only because we recognize the cost of what it takes to be willing to die for the faith.

Secondly to believe that one would lose their salvation for apostasy is a reductionist theory. I say this because we need to take all the factors into account. Hanging in the pit was a method of torture devised by the Japanese and it was especially cruel and drawn out and painful. They were tied tightly to restrict blood flow and a slit was made in the neck to ensure that blood drips out instead of pooling at the top of their head and rendering them unconscious. Those who were subjected to this kind of torture would hang in a limbo, in a state between life and death in extreme pain from anywhere between three to nine days. It was a method of torture that could break the bravest man. And this is what Fr. Ferreira was subjected to for 5 hours before he gave in and renounced the faith in public. Imagine the physical strain. Imagine the psychological strain. He was probably not even in a position to make a rational decision. An apostasy under such circumstances, can it be considered true apostasy?

Remember that Ferreira did not apostatize instantly. He was ready and willing to die for Christ. It was only after 5 hours of torture that he gave in and renounced in public. Later accounts say that he never stopped believing though and was always remorseful and repentant for the rest of his life, wondering if God would forgive him. And it is said that he eventually dies as a martyr.

But I believe even if he didn't die as a martyr he would not have lost his salvation.

As humans we know that an innocent man who is forced and beaten by the police to admit guilt is not actually guilty. We disregard such a testimony because we know it happened under duress and people will say anything to make the pain stop. If we humans can understand this can the God who created us and know our hearts not understand?

What is true apostasy? True apostasy is the absolute renunciation of God, the turning away, to give him up entirely. True apostasy is to stop believing. True apostasy is rebellion and it happens in the heart. But here we only see two men who wanted and willed to die for God but succumbed to torture. They lived the rest of their lives repenting and never stopped believing. They said something that they never meant just to make the torture stop.

Both priests came to Japan with the intention to evangelize. Fr. Ferreira spent 30 years in Japan doing much good work for the kingdom of God. Is all this disregarded because of his apostasy which was not a true rebellion? Is God someone who forgets all the efforts and the good that we have done just because of a moment of weakness at a particular point in time?

Does He turn his back on the repentant sinner? We know that He does not. We believe in a merciful God.

We also know that put to the same test we would probably fail. I would not last a second of torture. Do I get to go to heaven because I was never tested? Do they get damned only because they had the misfortune to undergo persecution?

This is why I understood the part where Jesus asks him to step. It was an infinitely hard moment for me, and I was struggling with it. But God knows our struggles, He knows our limits. And I believe that even if he didn't take any pleasure in the act of apostasy itself (our denial of God is always a very painful thing because He loves us) He understands why we do what we do when we are weak. Perhaps if we had a stronger relationship and a greater faith we would not have succumbed. And He gradually brings us to such a place.

I would not last in torture now. My relationship with Christ is not strong enough at this point of time but I hope and pray that eventually the relationship will grow to a point that I would be willing to even die for Him. And I have faith that He will bring me there. If I was tested now I would fail. But I also believe He would understand.

Matthew 22:37 says Yeshua said to him, “You shall love THE LORD JEHOVAH your God from all your heart and from all your soul and from all your power and from all your mind.” That is the key. From all your power or in other words your strength. Your strength which is different from mine and everyone else.

Fr. Ferreira's whole strength was the 5 hours he lasted in the pit. He truly did love the Lord with all his mind, with all his soul, with all his heart and with the power that he had. So he did not fail the commandment. He did everything within his power at the time. And eventually ended up dying as a martyr(although I am unsure if the source is reliable but I would like to believe that.)

With all the power endowed upon the church I still think no one in the church can tell with absolute certainty what the limits of God's mercy is. Only God knows and we trust in His infinite mercy. We cannot say that anyone is damned to hell or has lost their salvation. God alone judges.

Just a random addition after finding out that both Fr. Ferreira and Fr. Rodrigues were in fact real people I spent the whole night in a sort of delirium constantly praying that I wish I could know if they were in heaven.

Next morning I received the following verse:

Romans 15:13 New International Version (NIV)

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.

And the whole day I kept getting signs reaffirming to hope. I really believe they both are in heaven and I've been asking for their intercession ever since :) Sorry again for the long, drawn out mail, it is a result of weeks of reflection and doubts and struggles but I really love what this movie taught me. I was wondering if anyone else was going through the same.

Hope this helped!

Love,
Pratibha

Death of a dream:

I never thought I would know happiness
I assumed that life had been good enough to me
I was satisfied materially
I had everything that I wanted physically
So it made sense that I had to go without something else
When people sat with friends and chatted late into the night with their lovers
I watched them with resignation knowing that it would not happen for me
Yet uselessly the hope stayed, longing to be fulfilled
And tiny dreams sprung from it only to be shattered instantly
Without giving me time to hope
But one day I started dreaming a beautiful dream
A dream I have never dreamt before
And in this dream everything I've ever wanted came true
And it kept going on and on
Till I thought I would never wake
And the hope I had been crushing valiantly for so long
Came bursting forth from within
The more beautiful the dream grew
The more afraid I was
Because a happy dream makes you unhappy when you wake
So now I stand before the cliff
Wavering on the edge
Reality waits for me below
And I stand here wondering when I will be woken up
It might be today
It might be years from now
But I know that whenever it may be
I will wake up in tears
Mourning the death of a dream

Memory:

Sometimes death is a monster ravaging and destroying everything in it's path.

Sometimes death is agony and torment, long, drawn out and painful.

Sometimes you can death looming in the distance, steadily approaching, the bravest man's nightmare.

And sometimes death is a quiet phone call in the middle of the night.

She was a small, thin girl. Small but certainly not shy. She had a loud voice that rang out clearly and a definite opinion on the matters of the world. She was calm and liked to take things as they came. We were frenzied and harried, we ran about at the speedy pace the world demanded from us. We were afraid of being left behind if we weren't fast enough. She was calm though, the eye in the midst of the storm that swept us off our feet while she remained in the center, serenely unaffected.

I was a rowdy teenager fresh after my first experience in a co - ed school. I bullied people mercilessly, was the bane of existence of all teachers, a repeat offender when it came to delaying homework submissions, the student who spent more time standing outside class than in. I preferred to call myself an outstanding student.

I had my little gang during the bus ride back home, my trio of friends who I spent time with. I noticed her but rarely spoke to her. She was small, with a stooping stature, her too thin frame made her an oddity. I seldom saw her with other people, she spent most of her time by herself. On the rare occasions that we spoke I was rude, tremendously rude and scarcely repentant about my attitude. When I couldn't be bothered to speak, I ignored her outright. It barely affected the way she treated me however. She greeted me the same as always, tentatively reaching out to me in friendship, wishing me Merry Christmas before winter vacation as if nothing ever happened.

Then things slowly started changing. From being the little kids who sat in the front of the bus we became the seniors. We were thrilled, lords of the coveted back seat, free to bully an terrorize the little ones as we pleased. There were five of us altogether, two girls from my year, her and another girl from Grade 7. The four of us sat together, squeezed into the same seat uncomfortably while she sat by herself in the backseat. She wasn't cool enough for the cool kids and so I decided that she wasn't cool enough for me either. I made no effort to include her in the conversation or speak to her as one of us. I had grown older but I had not grown up.

Still she was the same, always smiling, always cheerful, never resentful. I naively wondered if she was one of those people who never knew hatred, who found it impossible to take revenge, the kind of people to whom loving and forgiving came naturally without a second thought. Naive because I now know that loving and forgiving is difficult even for the best of us.

We graduated together and we spoke once on the phone afterwards. She had called me to tell me that she had got a pretty good percentage in her board exams. And I was truly happy for her, the pangs of conscience had started pricking me way too late and I was glad that good things were happening for her.

Over the years we had encounters, far and few in between, we stopped by to catch some moments here and there. Moments that I rarely gave any thought to other than the occasional pricking of my conscience for the way I had treated her in high school.

I met her a week ago while I was rushing home after mass. I gave her a quick casual hi and hurried away as usual. If I knew that it would be last time I would ever see her, I would have stopped a little longer, would have told her that she was a wonderful human being for never resenting me after all that I had done. I would have told her all the things that my ego never allowed me to tell her before, the things my brain tricked me into believing were issues so old that she would have forgotten them by now.

They say that time and tide wait for no man.

You made this sad, ugly world a little more beautiful to live in. And now that you've gone it's all the more drab and lonely for it.

I hope the wind is in your hair and the sand is at your feet. I hope you are running free as you always wanted to, in green pastures looking up at the endless sky that stretches up above you. I hope that you are lighting up heaven just like you lit up the darkness on earth.

And for now this wretched earthling bids you farewell.

Until we meet again.

The Year in Review: Changing Destiny with Hope

I can’t believe that 2015 flew by so fast and that it’s 2016 already. It’s crazy.

For me 2015 was an extremely funny year. It was a year in which I got struck again and again with blows from the most unexpected places especially from people who were close to me. And I guess if all this had happened in 2014 I would have defined it as the worst year of my life but interestingly 2015 has been the best year in all my 22 years.

Some of the positive things that had happened:

Loving can hurt - I started testing out my theory of loving inspite of getting hurt. Which meant that when I got hurt I tried my best not to dwell on it and consciously act how I would act towards someone I really loved. It worked wonders. True some people tend to take advantage of the perceived weakness but the people that truly love you will treasure you for it. Remembering that to love is to be vulnerable helped.

Happiness - I realized that happiness takes effort. I had to go out and do things to make myself happy even when I didn’t feel like it. I had to call up a friend or hang out somewhere peaceful or read a book or simply sit in prayer when such thoughts intruded. It’s the easiest thing to sit by yourself and whine and moan about your state of affairs which achieves nothing. Forcing myself into action, wearing that smile when I had no reason to smile all contributed towards erasing any self pity I was wallowing in.

Reading – I threw myself into reading with gusto this year and I read a record number of books including a bunch of books I have been desperately wanting to read for the longest time and I had the most magical time.

Dad’s recovery – This was one of the greatest miracles that happened last year. From the beginning to the end it was a series of miracles and through the whole affair I could see God’s hand moving beautifully instilling hope where there would otherwise have been despair.

My new job – I absolutely love my new job and I have been blessed with amazing and caring colleagues who make work something to look forward to than something to dread.

Amazing friends – It was the presence of these friends that made it possible for me to carry forward this year, they were constantly pulling me out of my misery and I am so glad I could spend so much quality time with them this year. Like Winnie the pooh says how fortunate I am to have something that would make saying goodbye so painful.

Midnight mass!!! It was one of things on my bucket list for the longest time and I finally got to take that coveted football field picture with all my friends! It was one of the best nights ever!

Summer camp – This was a funny one but I wanted to prove to myself that I am capable of handling a bunch of kids since the last time was such a miserable failure and I am happy to report that it was a resounding success! My group came second overall and I was over the moon.

Rediscovering childhood – There was something freeing about not being concerned about how people perceive you and this year especially I decided not to let such things affect me. I felt like I was rediscovering my childhood and it was plain awesome.

God – And how can I end this post without talking about my wonderful God? He’s been too amazing to me this year and I am so so thankful for everything I have been blessed with.

I think what made this year so different was the presence of hope. Every day had it’s ups and downs and some days had more downs than ups but realizing that it was just a bad day not a bad life made all the difference. Not dwelling on unpleasant things, constantly pushing myself into the pursuit of happiness and the presence of wonderful friends who journeyed with me made each day full of hope, each day something to look forward to. My cup overfloweth.

Wishing you all a happy and blessed 2016!

                                                                  Midnight Mass Club!

Ringing out:

I glance at my phone sitting on the coffee table.

The phone that used to ring often because of you. 

Now it remains stubbornly silent. I pick it up and look up your name in the contact list. My finger hovers hesitantly above the call button. Should I press call?

There is a story about a scorpion and frog that were once fleeing the forest. The scorpion begged the frog to carry it across the river since he couldn’t swim but the frog was reluctant.

“What if you sting me?” asked the frog “We would both die.”

“I would never” protested the scorpion “Why, you are saving my life.”

Despite the doubts plaguing his mind the frog agrees to take the scorpion. But when they were halfway across the river the frog felt a sharp sting on his back.

“What have you done?” croaked the frog as they started drowning.

“I can’t help it” said the scorpion “It’s my nature.”

 And they both sank into the river.

I shut my phone and put it back on the table. I don’t want to be the frog in the tale. Don’t want to get stung again because hurting me is in your nature. You don’t want to do it. But it happens anyways.

In the endless battle between love and fear, fear wins once more.

Once upon a Time:

Have you ever had the realization that you are not as good a person as you thought yourself to be?

People go through life following their inclinations, guided by their sense of morality, what they believe to be right. It is very rare for one to go gravely against their own conscience. Even an evil person believes at every moment that they take the best possible course of action available to them at the current time.

However when you sit down later for reflection and introspection you may realize that you’ve messed up. You made the wrong decisions, you said the wrong things, you let go of someone you should never have let go of. You went through life thinking that you were Cinderella and then realized that you were the evil stepmother. The villain in the fairytale.

And then you break down.

The knowledge that you were not as good as you thought yourself to be can wreck you. After all you can fight fearlessly against the whole world as long as you believe that you are right, you believe in yourself. The loss of that belief is a tragic thing. What do you do when hope is lost and all seems bleak?

There is a way to be good again.

No matter how far you have strayed from the path of righteousness as long as you are living and breathing, every second that your heart beats, your fairytale is far from over. The legend continues and the plot can still change. You write your tale as you go; your choices determine the rest of you story. It matters not what you did but what you choose to do henceforth.

You may be wracked with guilt, remorse and regret for things that happened in the past. The fastest cure for these is reparation. Saying sorry is important, making things right even more so. You have the responsibility to put things back to how they were or at the very least, try.

You may have started out as the villain but you can always become the hero.

So stand up again and take heart.

Because your story isn’t over yet. There is a way to be good again.